Props Where Props Are Due


I had another great day yesterday.  I tracked everything, I worked out a lot, and I went to bed without folding and getting a snack.  I need to up my water though, because that is still a hard task.  Which is odd.  I used to be able to guzzle down like 200 oz no problem.  Gotta get back in that habit.

The red circles are exercise

The red circles are exercise

That was yesterday’s read out from FitBit.  I love this little gadget.  I really do.  It makes me feel awesome to see the steps and the calories burned (that’s overall even while I’m sitting, so don’t get too excited) and how many miles I’ve traveled.  It will be awesome to see the read out after the marathon. :-)

Grades were finally posted to PatriotWeb for this semester, and while I knew I had received A’s in both classes, I wanted to be sure.

grades

And now I am.

Go Me.

Today’s Plan (Which is tracked already!)

  • B: 2 eggs, 3 strips of bacon, iced coffee w/ fat free half and half
  • S: Banana
  • L: Turkey Salami and Cheddar wrap, pop corners, apple, yogurt, snapple
  • S: water
  • D: Baked chicken and a baked potato cooked with EVOO
  • Activity: I’m supposed to run 3.1 miles.  I am going to attempt to make myself do this outside.  Please send me messages at like 3:30 pm EST and tell me to run outside.  (Twitter or Facebook will do)

I can’t believe a week from today I will be traveling to Italy with Jason.  It’s so weird, so surreal, and so abrupt.  We planned this and booked it like 6 weeks ago – and I ignorantly was like “I can totally lose 30 pounds by then” – HAH.  I’m aiming to look better by my birthday.

Last thought:

brooke birmingham sbs watermark

Unless you have been living under a rock the past few days, you know who this gorgeous woman is.  Her name is Brooke and she has become famous overnight for standing up to Shape Magazine for their ill treatment of her story.  After losing 172 pounds, this woman should be celebrated, not told to cover up.

Read more about her at one of the many outlets that have picked up her story:

Doesn’t Deserve a Title Apparently


70% FUNDED FOR THE MARINE CORPS MARATHON!

Thank you to all who have donated thus far.  It’s an amazing feeling to know that you all are supporting me and the animals with such a generous action.  Love to you all.

                                             Haven’t donated and want to?  Or feel guilt for not doing it?  Want a Tax deduction?                                                    Bethany’s Donation Page

Happy Friday guys!  We made it!  My hip is a lot better today – just in time for the Ortho Appointment.  I’m cautiously optimistic about this appointment, but have decided that I will not be exercising today.  I most likely will not workout at all till my race on Sunday.  I know this is so unlike me, but I want to go in strong, rested, and recuperated.

This could all blow up in my face, but eh.  I’m willing to take that risk.

My husband was in a fender bender this morning, and thankfully he is fine – I attribute his fine-ness to the fact that he is in a Subaru.  The car that is just amazing at everything.  I will be buying one the minute I can.

I purchased some casual dresses this morning, in hopes of becoming female this year…

I really like both of them, and got them both on sale – YAY COUPONS – and I hope they BOTH work out.  I’d love to be able to throw on a cardigan or blazer and have a cute work outfit that can transition to happy hour outfit easily.  How complete Cosmo does that sound?

I’m also embracing the fact that my thighs are just gonna get bigger as my training continues.  When I was training for my first half my thighs got bigger and more toned, and my calves got smallish (not really) and more toned.  I’m just never going to have slim legs, and that’s fine.  I’ll most likely have to sell all the skinny jeans without stretch that I bought for when I lose weight, because there is no way they are going to fit over these hamstrings.

The little issues.

@Amanda Farris : I laughed out loud when I saw this because I thought it would be perfect for Eric! Good thing he didn't get lost during the marathon or this would be him! ;)

Legit Fear Of Mine

I’m beginning (Prelim stages folks) to accept things about myself at this point.  I looked in the mirror this morning and noted how great my butt looks in these jeans.  Now granted, I am bias, because I love these jeans, but I don’t love my butt.  Except for today!  I also noticed how my skin is clearing up – FINALLY.  Being almost 30 with acne sucks – so that is a plus.  My hair is starting to go back to normal with a little help of sea salt spray, so i’m happy about that.  I’m just not giving up.

Running Humor: My mom told me I can be anything I want to if I put my mind to it....

Happy Friday Folks!

Don’t forget to donate!!!

The Bachelor, Exercise & The Scale


So this will be a pretty broken up and random post, but I have a lot of little things to say and figured I would just group them.

The Bachelor

Oh Juan Pablo…

133461_1006

He is cute, there is no denying that.  He is also hilarious, and doesn’t really hide what he is thinking.  Every girl that walked out of the limo’s he was like “WOW” and really excited.  He thought everyone was beautiful and made every effort to try and talk to everyone.

He also did a great job of getting rid of the crazy, I might add.

There were 27 girls this time as opposed to 25.  He seemed to get, what I think, 2 extra crazy girls than most seasons.  But, with that said, he eliminated – what appears to be – about 80% of them.  But it’s only the first episode.  These girls still have a chance to show their true nature.  A few of the ones he kept, Jason thought were absolutely, cut your phone lines, and break your knee caps crazy, and that is why I love him.

We had one woman cry almost instantly talking about how it was so hard, and it shouldn’t be this hard, and she didn’t know how to approach him, and blah.  She also still has the engagement ring and wedding dress from her failed engagement EARLIER THIS YEAR.  Girl take some time for yourself.  Juan Pablo don’t need that drama.

There was another girl, the ginger, who showed up in a horrible gown and for that should have been kicked off. I mean really. 

kylie-hear-wrong-name-rose-ceremonyYou can’t see her dress, but if you want to watch her humiliation – go here  (She heard the wrong name and went up when it wasn’t her, and then ultimately didn’t get picked.

Other than that we had a free spirit:

LUCY, JUAN PABLO GALAVISand the girl who got the first impression rose didn’t really seem to like him at all…

the-bachelor-juan-pablo-girls-first-impression-rose-ftr

 

Exercise

I was supposed to incorporate weight training yesterday with my running, and while I did a few things (Deadlifts, Squats, Shoulder presses, bicep curls, and rows) I didn’t stick to a routine and just kind of did the exercises I could remember from other workouts.  

So today I’m heading to the work gym with my coworker Grace to pump out some strength exercises.  I’m thinking this routine:

  • 1 Mile run Warm Up
  • Arm Machines 
  • Some free weights
  • Leg machines
  • Core machines?

I am not sure what they have at the gym because I usually just bee line for the treadmills, so I will have to report back when I find out.  I think that will be a good workout to ease back into it, and then when I have the machines down I can start using the D2S book again for actual workouts that have some sort of method to them.

The Scale

I didn’t post my Weigh In last week, even though I lost weight.  I am thinking that it’s too much for me to focus on (like it has been before).  While it’s a nice accountability factor, it makes me angry and annoyed when I don’t lose and I don’t need to project that on the blog anymore than I usually do.  My eating is getting better and more on track and I am looking forward to starting the week over on Friday with a clean slate, a clean weigh in, and a fresh start.  That is what every week, day, moment is – a new, fresh start.  I am planning on also buying a crap ton of produce this week, because my smoothies in the morning about about to get a major boost.  I am planning on making super smoothies with Shakeology and banishing the English Muffins for good!  Or just for breakfast. 

Well Darlings I am off to get back into work – busy weeks coming up – and then to the gym!

 

 

What I Did On My Long Winter Stay-Cation


I posted infrequently over the break, and most of the time it was short and not so sweet.  I decided since this is my morning back to reality that I would post a recap of my life since December 20.

The first day of our vacation, wasn’t a vacation at all.  We spent the entire day at a funeral and reception for Jason’s Aunt Daphne.  We had a pretty bipolar day as that evening we were celebrating our friend nuptials!

1502052_10202886071218975_1704872347_n

 

Lisette and Alex finally tied the knot since marriage is legal in DC now for everyone (I don’t like the term gay marriage, because Jason and I don’t use the term “straight marriage” so it seems dumb to use a different nomenclature for them).  It was a joyous night that continued late into the evening.

We then went to a hockey game with my dad – where lost in overtime – but still it was nice to hang out with my dad for the night, drinking too much beer, and eating too much fried food.  That Sunday I met up with Adie (of AdieCakesBlog fame) and her Fiance (and Jason too) for Hunger Games in IMAX.  We had already seen it, but she hadn’t, and IMAX.  I will see pretty much anything in IMAX.  It was glorious.

We putzed around most days sleeping late and taking many target trips.

Christmas eve we did our normal thing of Church with my parents and then dinner at Tony’s Pizza in Manassas.  We then meandered home to watch TV before passing out.  We had to go to McLean in the early morning to pick up my Grandmother (so my dad didn’t have to do two trips out there) so our Christmas morning alone was pretty short.

We spent the morning with my family, and then evening with Jason’s.  It was good day.

Then there was more putzing around, deciding what recipe I would use with my new French Oven (it’s French and not Dutch because it’s from France.) and then we went to TJMaxx randomly and found a KitchenAid Stand up mixer for more than 50% off.  So then I became the proud mamma of that.

My Christmas continued with more La Crueset items, and general spending of money on random things at Target.  We totally know how to manage our money responsibly.

New Years Eve showed up and we went to the Heritage Brewing opening in Manassas.  I know, I am a loyal customer of BadWolf Brewing across the street, but I wanted to see what the new place was like (As did Jason and my Father in Law).  So we eagerly waited in line outside to buy our drink tickets and head in.  $7 a beer/flight/or experimental brew tasting, seemed pretty steep.  The flights were only 4 beers (which I didn’t get to pick) out of the 6 + seasonal they had on tap.  They were supposed to be 2 oz servings each, and instead mine were mostly head (the guy pouring had no idea what he was doing) and were not as good as expected.  I had a few problems with that evening:

  • The prices for the pints were too steep for an opening night- especially when we didn’t get a pint.  It was more like 8 – 10 oz because of the people pouring.
  • The flights should have included all the beers that they are regularly having on tap
  • The sitting area should have been extended because of how many people there were.  It was a total fire code violation
  • Children should NOT have been allowed in.  I witnessed too much running around in a location that is dangerous (exposed industrial areas) for kids.
  • You had to go back outside and wait in line to buy more drink tickets when there was a woman inside with a register who could have easily done this indoors.
  • No one knew what they were doing.
  • The fact that there were “normal brews” and “experimental batches” was kind of confusing.  This was there first night of being open.  Everything was experimental.

I would and will go back, but most likely not for a while.  It felt chaotic, unorganized, and the beer wasn’t as good as I thought it would be for having delayed the opening by 3-4 months.  I donated 100 bucks to their kickstarter, so I think the people who did that should have had a private opening experience.

We then parted ways with Jason’s dad, and partied with Lisette and Alex again for some dinner at Sweetwater and then Champagne and coffee at their house.  It was a nice relaxing evening.  We don’t need or want flare.  We are too old for flare.

After that night it was pretty much a whole lot of nothing.  I got an extra day of “vacation” (I worked from home) because of a freak snow thing on the the 3rd (last Friday), so Jason and I built a fire, I worked on my laptop from the couch and we watched a crap load of the Tudors.

Yesterday (Sunday) we woke up late, and then headed to Mosaic District for lunch at Cava Grill and then Gelato at Dolcezza.  They had a separate Dolcezza across the street that was basically a coffee shop that sold gelato as well.  We ordered our drinks and settled down at a table and chair area and had one of the best afternoons that we have had in a long time.  It’s the type of day where you realize the simple conversations over coffee were what was missing.

It was a great break, all in all, and here are some pictures recapping the experience:

 

Heritage Brewing

Heritage Brewing

Heritage Brewing

Heritage Brewing

Heritage Brewing

Heritage Brewing

Beef Stew - the dinner that took my French Oven's virginity

Beef Stew – the dinner that took my French Oven’s virginity

There was a good amount of running.  I've pledged to run 700 miles (at least) in 2014.

There was a good amount of running. I’ve pledged to run 700 miles (at least) in 2014.

Cooking Extravaganza - Soupe au Pistou

Cooking Extravaganza – Soupe au Pistou

Cooking Extravaganza - Mini Bacon, Onion Quiche

Cooking Extravaganza – Mini Bacon, Onion Quiche

Cooking Extravaganza - Fluffy Drop Biscuits

Cooking Extravaganza – Fluffy Drop Biscuits

Date Day - Latte Art

Date Day – Latte Art

Date Day - Latte Art

Date Day – Latte Art

Date Day - The love of my life, the reason I am here, and the motivation to be better.

Date Day – The love of my life, the reason I am here, and the motivation to be better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding the Words


I go to a psychiatrist.  I am trying to go back to therapy.  I find that attaining the right, perfect for you therapist, is harder than finding that person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Realizing Jason was the one, was one of the easiest things I have ever done.  Keeping our marriage strong and intact, is work, and it’s hard, but it’s worth it.

Finding a therapist on the other hand is EXCEPTIONALLY difficult.  For me to be able to be that open.  That naked.  That vulnerable – with someone I am also paying?  It’s not easy.

I’ve talked with about 4 in the past two weeks on the phone.  None of them seem right.  Either their voice is annoying, their hours suck, or they want me to chant.

I don’t chant.

I don’t care if it will solve all of my problems.  I can’t take it seriously.  Sorry to those of you that chant, and chant often.  It’s just not for me.

I had a monumental disaster of a day yesterday food wise.  I was eating for comfort – and it was bad.  I am stressed about so much right now, it’s literally making me sick.  I can’t tell you how many times yesterday when I was woofing down food like a hippo in the Hungry Hungry Hippo game that I felt nauseated, and gross.  There was a point where I had eaten so much crap, I was sweating.  I couldn’t keep my body upright because the surge of sugar crap that I haven’t eaten in ages was being fought by my body.

Today is a new day.

I am going to run this afternoon and I have a great dinner planned.  I am trying not to focus on what I think other people are thinking of me, but when I look at my own self, my own life, and I see how incredibly fucked up it is in my head, I can’t help but think that everyone else is thinking the same thing.  Or worse.

I need to stop caring what everyone thinks, because they don’t wake up as me everyday.  I know I have it great by pretty much every standard out there.  I am employed, I am in school, I have a great husband and family, two amazing dogs, quality friends, and a house.  I am in relatively low debt considering how much I shop randomly, and I am loved.

I find joy in these things, I am not ungrateful.

It’s just the joy chips away when the newness wears off.  I have that sad cloud over me pretty much 95% of the time.  I wake up in the middle of the night, sad, and then go into the bathroom to cry so I don’t wake up Jason.  I’ll cuddle up with one of my dogs on the floor just to feel something next to me (Jason gets really overheated when he sleeps, and he snores, so I stay away from him mostly – still love you!).

I have relentless stressed filled dreams from dying to failing at the Praxis II again – and everything in between.

That’s where my head is at this moment.

xoxoxo

p.s. to the Giveaway winner – I swear I am going to stop at the Post Office to drop off the box.  I’ve just not been really capable of functioning lately.

Not Liking Yourself


I am guilty of being entirely negative about myself on a minute by minute basis.  I need (or at least I think I need) constant reassurance, and affirmation on myself in pretty much every aspect of life.  I know this is annoying to everyone who comes in contact with me, and I know it makes me hard to be around.  I sense my neediness is the number one reason why I didn’t have many friends in High School or College and why the few I did have are no longer in my life.  I get anxious when planning get together’s with people because I instantly feel uncomfortable walking out of my house, driving to a location, and then having to make conversation for a indefinite amount of time.

While I am outgoing, it’s all forced and awkward.  I have to tell myself to shut up at times because I know my topics are usually inappropriate or not interesting.

I find this happens a lot with my husbands coworkers.  We will be in a situation where I am ‘forced’ to converse and I bring up things like Credit Limits, or how I got alcohol poisoning on Jason’s 21st Birthday Weekend.

I feel awkward in 99% of clothes (the 1% being my PJs).  This summer My husband and I went to the beach, and I didn’t even get in the water because I was so self conscious about how I looked in my bathing suit.  I know that made him sad.  I know all he wanted was for me to be at ease and comfortable in one of his favorite places, but I couldn’t make myself.

I am 100% content being a shut in and watching TV or Movies and living vicariously through the other people in my life who are off gallivanting the world doing amazing, beautiful, amazing things.  I’m comfortable at home singing along to Sara Bareilles while thinking up story lines, and writing in my journals, this blog, or just on scrap paper.  The deck in my backyard is my largest venture out that I can still feel at ease in.

There are times where the anxiety builds so much, I come across as a selfish bitch that turns to her husband and says “I need to leave.”  I get the sweats, and shakes, and a headache.  Yesterday, at my Dad’s birthday dinner, I had chest pains through the majority of the outing because of the closeness of our group at the small table.  I was against the wall, and the screaming child behind me through 80% of the meal just became almost too much.

I can be okay, I can be safe, I can be in control in my house.

But I’m really not.  It’s obvious I am not.  This is why there are so many things we want to do, but we don’t.  I want to go to Africa next summer for a missions trip, and while now, with it millions of days away, I am at ease with the choice to go, I am thinking of the months leading up to it, and how flying across the Atlantic Ocean – Alone – will be terrifying.  How the irrational fears jump up inside me and that voice in my head – The one that sounds like Morgan Freeman (Because he narrates my life, even the bad parts) – says “Don’t do it.  You know better.  You leave these walls, you leave your shelter.”

So what do I do?

Do I go back to my doctor, and tell her the crazy pills she put me on aren’t working – in fact they have made me worse to the point of where I have stopped taking them completely, and now the paranoia, depression, and anxiety is crushing?

Do I just run more? and harder?

Do I wallow?

Jason wants me to go back to the doctor.  I think he is right, but at the same time taking those meds is like putting in ear plugs at a concert.  You can still hear the music, but it’s muffled  and the moment isn’t the same.  I don’t want to lose bits and pieces of myself because of this condition.

I barely slept last night – like I can tell you exactly every time I looked at the clock and I saw every hour of my sleepless night shown in red glowing numbers.  I barely slept knowing I would write this post, and all the people from my past that still read this blog to snicker, or write hateful, hurtful comments (which is why I approve every comment now, because I was deleting upwards of 10-15 a day from people.. I know who they are because they have IP addresses that give their secrets away), or those who tell other people in their lives how horrible I am, and then it gets back to my husband.

He is the real victim in this.  He wasn’t made privy to my carelessness for my own existence.  He wasn’t given the full scope of what he was legally binding himself to.  He says he doesn’t care, and that he loves me anyway, but I can see the draining tiredness in his eyes when I say – for the millionth time – I’m just sad.

So I am trying something new, today, in fact.

photoI love this shirt I am wearing.  It’s a great color, comfortable fabric, looks good with jeans or dress pants (and most likely a skirt too, but I’m covered in mosquito bites, so until tights can be worn, I’ll never know).  I think it fits me well, and judging by this forced smile in my picture, I like how I look in it.

I ran 10 miles on Friday.  10 miles.  Depending on who is reading this, 10 miles might be a warm up for you, or something you never think you will accomplish.  But I did it anyways.

I’m in my last semester before my internship starts in the Spring.  As long as I pass the Praxis II in October – I will be venturing into a new career – which is both terrifying and amazing at the same time.

Today is my Dad’s 61st Birthday.  He is truly a rock on which I lean a lot.  I need to remember his strength and faith when I forget my own.

I am loved, even if only by few, those people count – and in talent, personality, and character they outweigh the negative people that are no longer in my life.

It’s a process, one I am trying to get the hang of.

xox

Tuesday Things


  • I had a dentist appointment this morning, and of course that meant that last night I was flossing like a crazy person and brushing my teeth with bleach (not really).  I hate going to the dentist because there are no secrets with the dentist.  They know if you are lying when you say “Yes I floss daily and brush morning and night”.  They can tell because your gums, if they are bad, give it away.  Luckily for me I wasn’t bad at all.  She even said “Nice Job”.  WAHOOO.  But I still have a cavity.  Jerkface Mouth.  So I go back on Monday for that to be taken care of.
Me at the Dentist.

Me at the Dentist.

  • I had another great run yesterday.  I’m thinking the more I run, the better/easier it seems.  SO I think I am going to focus on running and then strength train like one muscle group each day with my run.  Today will be 4 miles and Arms.   I’m thinking 3 sets of 15 reps each of : Shoulder presses, wide grip rows, bicep curls, and tricep dips.  That sounds good.
4 miles in 41'55" & Cooldown

4 miles in 41’55” & Cool down – Yesterday

  • I’m feeling really good about yesterday – Everything was tracked, there was no random snacking, and I closed out my day on MyFitnessPal – so that everyone could see my food diary.  I think when I run like I did yesterday I just feel full of endorphin’s and good vibes that I am not looking for the fullness from food.  I think I am reaching that point where I am not freaking out about every calorie and only fueling myself.  I mean my cheat meal was a Salad from Chop’t with full fat dressing for crying out loud.  Well there was also a sundae from Nathan’s Dairy Bar, as well, but after a salad for lunch and a salad for dinner I didn’t see the point of not getting dessert :-)
  • Did we all see the official Duchess Kate Photographs?  Yeah her husband and the other future king are in there too, but also… LUPO!!!  YAY Puppy Love!  Also because he looks like an all black version of my puppy Blarney the Wonder Dog.  (Yes, that is his full name.)
  • I want to do a giveaway but I am not sure what I should giveaway… My friendship?  I’m poor.

Give it to me:

  • What should my giveaway be?
  • What are you doing to be active today?
  • Did you see my Guilt Free Fried Rice Recipe Review?  IT’S YUMMY.

Newsworthy:

Oh yeah and a week from today I am back in school.  LORDY time flies.

Workout Recap August 11 – August 18 & Monday


Whoa what a week!

August 11 – Day we got back from vacation – 3 Miles on the treadmill. Gotta start the detox from everything I ate in Chincoteague – which was seriously the whole island. For a place that is like the size of my neighborhood, there arr 5 places to get dessert – aside from the Restaurants that also serve dessert. I was doomed from the beginning.

August 12 – Jillian Michaels DVD – 30 minutes – I hate this woman. I really do. I am not sure what happened as I used to be able to get through one of her DVDs without wanting to kill myself and now I am like “LET ME DIE ALONE” around the 15 minute mark.

August 13 – 4 Mile Run – Upping my mileage again. I need to. I noticed that the first half I ran I was running like 30 miles a week or so, and I was really prepared for that race. So… I should do the same thing training for my 4th, right?

August 14 – REST DAY. I put away laundry, cleaned out my closet, and got all the clothes I don’t wear/don’t fit (only the ones that are too big) and bagged them for selling or donation. So really, I exercised, just not in the normal sense. It’s also nice to have a really organized closet.

August 15 – 4 Mile Run – It felt good to do this again, for the second time this week. I got in the habit of being all like “3 miles is enough!” and it’s not when I am trying to train for a half. I mean if I just wanted to finish the race, it would be, but the fact is, I would like to at least do as good as I have done in the past.

August 16 – 7 Mile Run – LONG RUN OF THE WEEK. Longest I have run since my half in March. I decided to do this today instead of on Saturday because we have a lot going on Saturday and a shorter ‘recovery run’ was more plausible.

August 17 – Rest Day! I was going to run today but got lazy.

August 18 – 4 mile run – I felt great and strong through the run!

  • Mileage Total – 22 Miles
  • Calorie Burn – 3079

I’m getting the running bug back, and it couldn’t have come at a better time… since barely any pants I own (Except jeans) seem to fit.  I’m talking stomach spilling over muffin top not fitting or even the dreaded I can’t even zip you up while lying down and sucking in feeling.

This morning was a moment of where tears were shed in my closet, as I can’t believe just a year ago I was at my lowest adult weight and I had a few pounds to go before my NEW CLOTHES THAT I HAD JUST PURCHASED would fit beautifully.

So this morning I went on Like Twice and bought some second hand dress pants so at least I will have work clothes.  *sigh* Money I don’t have, being spent on things I shouldn’t need.

Needless to say I realize that upping my game is no longer just a simple “Yeah I should do this” but a “YEAH I NEED TO DO THIS.”

So all the running that occurred last week will continue, plus I am being diligent with my tracking, and actually caring what I put in my body.  (Water, anyone?)

Look for a couple new recipes this week as I am trying my hand at new foods to keep things fun, and they are all healthier than I would have imagined.

In other news that Armani jacket I bought from Like Twice came in the mail, and I promptly tried it on and asked for opinions:

All of you said keep it.

It will be a cute jacket for fall when the weather is cooler, but not cold.  I’m sure I can wear it with my jeans and boots, and better top than I have in this picture.  Plus the back shot, well, I’ll always have a big butt, I know this.

Happy Monday All!!

Give It To Me:

  • Running Goals this week?  I’m aiming for like 25 miles total.
  • Can someone tell me how to be more positive?
  • Does anyone have bigger dress pants they want to give me because I’m thinking I need to sell my kidney so I have clothes that fit? (Kidding, kind of.)

Newsworthy:

Desire & Confusion


*Get ready for a ramble of a post*

 

I was awake for a good portion of last night just thinking.  Thinking about my job, school, coffee and how I shouldn’t have it in the evening, the work candy jar (and the evil people who refill it), running 7 miles this weekend, and lastly – Why is everything so damn hard?

Okay, may be that is an exaggeration, but still.  It feels that way when I push myself to exercise like a crazy person and then to flop when it comes to food.  Why is that?  Why am I broken record?  Why am I constantly making the same lame excuses only to realize that what I am doing, and what I have done isn’t working?

I read this article yesterday on Jezebel, and at first it made me mad, but then I realized, it was right.

“Strong Is Not ‘The New Skinny’ Because Women Don’t Need A New Skinny”

When I started my whole Weight Loss Journey like 5 years ago, I started with Weight Watchers and working out about 4 times a week.  I was using the Apartment gym we had with the treadmill and some weight machines, and then Jillian Michaels DVDs and The Firm system.  I was losing weight steadily.  Sizes I had never worn before were fitting, and I was gaining self confidence.  I remember telling my husband that on Weight Watchers (The old Momentum Plan) that I couldn’t believe how people overate on this.  I was always satisfied.  I was never hungry, and I never went over my points.

I weighed in religiously once a week, and was shocked at how the weight – seemingly without work at all – was coming off.  After 25 pounds melting away I was hooked.

Then it stalled.

So with the advice of some people on the message boards, I upped my game and started running.  I hated it at first (sometimes still do) and averaged a 13’46” mile.  I was happy with that at the time, and then progressively got faster and faster.

The weight started to come off again.

After having a love/hate relationship with Weight Watchers I dabbled in counting calories, no carbs, less carbs, paleo, south beach, clean eating only, intermittent fasting, you name it.

I regretfully state that I also tried Diet Pills of various kinds throughout this process too.

In March of 2012 I ran my first half marathon.  I remember standing at the start line with Jason on the other side of the barrier and I looked at him and said “I am not sure I can do this.”  and he smiled and said “Yes, of course you can.”  It wasn’t a motivational speech or anything but it was a bit of an umph that I needed.  The gun went off for my corral, and then about 2.5 hours later, I was done.  I had completed my first half marathon.

I had also gotten down to my lowest weight in my adult life.  I only had like 17 pounds to go to my goal.

Over the next and some months – to where I am now – I have floundered.  I have gained 12 pounds and am still clinging to whatever ‘new information’ comes out about how to lose weight.  I have kept up with running, finishing two more half marathons, a bunch of 10 milers, a crap load of 10ks and COUNTLESS 5ks and 4 milers.  I’ve had some PR’s in those races, and some races left me wondering what the hell I thought I was doing even running at all.

This leads me to today.

The above article made me mad at first, and then it opened my eyes.  What is strong?  Is it 12% body fat? Is it the ability to run a half marathon (with walk breaks)? Is it the ability to say ‘No’ to dessert?  Is it counting calories successfully?  Is it beating Pre-Diabtetic warnings?  Is it beating cancer?  Is it waking up every morning and looking at your closet knowing only a small fraction of what you actually own fits you?  Is it walking into a high school reunion KNOWING that you look better than you did in high school but still waiting for the endless taunts and insults from the ‘popular kids’? What is it?

I don’t think it’s one thing in particular, and I don’t think lifting weights, running miles, or getting to your goal weight defines it.

I think ‘Strong’ is a mindset.

You know who I think is strong?

My Mom – She loves animals.  She works at a vet’s office and is one of the most caring people you will ever know.  When a family comes in and has to do the unthinkable of putting their animal to sleep, she is there with her arms stretched out wide, and an embrace that I swear if it could be bottled, would cure the most horrible of diseases.

My Dad – Who, between his three jobs, works like 200 hours a week, never asks for anything, and does everything for everyone else.  He gives up watching baseball or hockey so that my family can watch “The Bachelorette” or some TLC show about Ducks.  He never complains, barely sleeps, and is one of the most supportive people I know.

My Older Sister, Meagan – She has two kids, and her own company.  She works all week taking care of the kids, her house, and my parents house and animals and then works Saturday and Sunday doing her business of grooming dogs.  She doesn’t get a break.  She knows what has to be done and does it.  She wakes up everyday and like a machine get’s it done.  She is also always around for funny blog post at F*ck What You Heard and a quick conversation on facebook.

My Younger Sister, Cece – She works at Starbucks (a thankless job I had for 6 years) and goes to school at night so that she can become a Hair Stylist.  Even though that means getting up at 3:30 in the morning to work the opening shift and then driving to Tysons Corner to go to school from like 5:00pm to 10:00pm at night, she does it.  I watched her walk through her younger years being made fun of or treated badly by her so called ‘friends’ and she never once gave up.  She just kept going.

My Husband, Jason – This man deserves a medal and a handshake from the President for 1.) having willingly entered this union of our marriage and 2.) dealing with my insane amounts of crazy on a daily basis.  He doesn’t complain.  He doesn’t let me give up.  He has sacrificed so much so that I could be happy.  Waking up at all hours to take me to races, working hard at his job so that we can have a house, two cars, vacations, and that I can go to school. He uses whatever strength he has to hold me up so that the metaphorically crumbling earth below me (in my mind) doesn’t eat me alive.

None of these people are body builders, runners, bikini models, motivational speakers, or crossfit box goers.  These are the strong people.  These are the ones that don’t give up because they know there is no way that they can.

Strong is Sexy – but it’s not physical strength that will get you there.  You have to be mentally strong.  Mental strength is something no diet, no barbell, no diet pill, no treadmill, no race medal, no PR, no amount of weight loss will get you.

Today, I am choosing to be mentally strong.  I am choosing to be like those guys up there, and choosing to change my mindset.

Because your Mind is the sexiest thing you can possess.  So I’m using it wisely from now on.

Thursday Things


Yesterday was a rest day - and it was much needed.  I cleaned out our master bedroom closet.  I got rid of the mountain of Old Navy cheap flip flops that I’ve had for years (and I don’t wear) I organized shoes, and my clothes, hanging up skirts with special hangers, and stuff.

I went through my closet and doled out two piles:

  1.  Pile to donate
  2. Pile to sell

Have you heard of Like Twice?  I love this place.  I can sell my clothes and either get money or a credit to buy more clothes.

Just yesterday I bought an Armani Collezioni Coat…

IT'S DESIGNER

IT’S DESIGNER

Retailed for $701.99 – I got it for $39.95.

 

YUP.  95% OFF RETAIL PRICE.  Who cares if it was used?  I hope to God it fits and looks nice.

But it’s okay if it doesn’t… because I can return everything – FOR FREE – for up to 30 days.

Sign up and buy stuff UBER CHEAP – Go here!!  They have everything from tops, pants, jeans, dresses, coats, etc.  All from top brands like Gap, JCrew, Banana Republic, Anthropolgie, Urban Outfitters…. and it’s all from the past few seasons!  Classic pieces with guaranteed quality.

* I was not paid or offered any compensation for this review.  I just love to shop and I am cheap.

So today I am running again.  I’m shooting for 4 miles, but if my attitude is anywhere close to where it was on Tuesday – it might be more!  I think I am getting the running bug back, and it’s not feeling so forced.  I am actually looking forward to my 7 miles on Saturday/This weekend.

Treadmill?  Outside?  Eh it doesn’t matter anymore.

I’m on a Weird Cooking Kick.  I’m bored with what we have been having for dinner, and frankly following a recipe is not hard, and there are a plethora of blogs online that have great recipes and ideas for cooking.  Currently I am using the entire recipe stream from The Londoner.

I mean, come on.  That is just beautiful.  It doesn’t hurt that she is amazing with all presentation, and she has a great eye for pictures, and she uses an actual camera as opposed to an iPhone (I really need to get a camera… any recommendations?)

So I am planning out our meals for next week and this is what I have so far:

  • Monday – Chicken Fried ‘Rice’ – The rice is actually cauliflower!
  • Tuesday – Brinner – Fried eggs, avocado slices, bacon, and biscuits
  • Wednesday – Mahi Mahi Tacos with a black bean salad
  • Thursday – Skinny Fish and Chips
  • Friday – Homemade pizza (Pepperoni, Veggies, fresh mozzarella)
  • Saturday – TBD/Out
  • Sunday – Sushi (or something else at Wegmans for our weekly Grocery Shopping Date)

Can you point me toward another interesting blog to add to my look up for inspiration?

Give it to me:

  • Do you online shop?  Or do you have to go to the store?
  • What are you doing today to be active?
  • What’s for dinner?

 

Noteworthy: