Defeating The Scale Tuesday – Week 10

I’ve stolen your idea Meagan

  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 193.2
  • Week Difference: -0.4
  • Total Difference: +2.2
  • Emotion: Whatever

I know what I did wrong.  I know how to fix it.  I know that my exercise rut has taken over my life.  I know that the depression and mania is not under control.  I know my drinking isn’t under control.  I know I can’t live like this.

All this and I leave for vacation on Thursday which is pretty much a get out of jail free card with regards to food.  Right?


I’m actually going to be mindful, or at least try.  I tend to not go crazy on vacations anyways because we are constantly doing things, and therefore I can’t simply be like “Oh wait, I need to buy a pastry”.  Not that I do that normally, but you get the idea.

I tend to eat the meals, and then that’s it.  MAY BE we stop and get something special if we are in the vicinity of something awesome (I see this happening a lot with Gelato and coffee), but mostly, no.  We just stick to meals.

I’ll be walking a lot, which will log with my FitBit and thus Myfitnesspal.  I’m actually considering forgetting about WW for the vacation and focus on MFP.  When I get back from vacation it can go back to it’s blended way of present time.

My exercise was non-existent for the most part this week.  I’m not sure where that drive went.  I used to feel guilty if I didn’t workout.  I would be constantly looking for validation that it was okay for me not to do anything.

Now, i’m like “Meh.  Whatever.”

Tonight I am planning on taking the dogs to the vet for their vaccinations, and then coming home, throwing dinner in the oven, and going for a run.

It will be cooler this evening and I need to get back into the swing of it.

I will either run outside or on the treadmill but I will run darn it.

Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 9

  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 13.6
  • Week Difference: + 1.4
  • Total Difference: +2.6
  • Emotion: Meh

Not really defeating the scale, am I?  I just got my paper tracker and my FitBit zip so I am using those now.  I am so pissed at myself.  SO PISSED.  How.  Did.   I.  Let.  Myself.  Get.  Back.  Here.

Oh I know how:

  1. I didn’t track honestly.  I would track Breakfast and lunch and possibly snacks and then say eff it by the end of the day.  Then I would eat what I want and act like it was no big deal, when really, the pain of it was festering.
  2. I dropped my activity level.  A few years ago when training for the Half Marathon I was running about 30 – 35 miles a week.  I could eat a bit more liberally.  But, since I have pretty much abandoned the training (For the past 4 or so halfs and pretty much every other race) I haven’t been able to continue keeping the weight at bay.
  3. I let myself comfort myself with Food.  Bad day? FOOD.  Crappy Week? FOOD.  Great day? FOOD.  Awesome week? FOOD.  Oh and let’s not forget the bored eating.
  4. Alcohol has become a staple that it never was before.  I used to laugh when people told me that when they started Weight Watchers and cut back their alcohol, they lost a ton of weight.  I used to think “I don’t drink that much.”  Well that’s changed.  I drink too much, too often.  I wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck most weekends.
  5. My desire seems to be gone.

I want to lose weight, but that doesn’t mean I am ready to lose weight.  Which blows.  I’m trying to push myself in that direction because I am tired of the way I look, the way I feel, and how low I see myself.

Today, after seeing the read out on the scale, I forced myself to wear heels, nice pants, and a new top I bought.  I forced myself to look nice, in hopes that the confidence boost in my nice clothes would help.

It’s a new day, it’s a new week.  I will conquer it.

Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 7

  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 193.0
  • Week Difference: +1.6
  • Total Difference: +2.0
  • Emotion: Over it

I just, I can’t.  I can’t keep doing this.  I can’t keep letting myself down.  It has no explanation or excuse except I didn’t do it.  This isn’t because my body holds on to weight, or that I am bloated, or that it’s muscle over fat.

It’s that I just didn’t do it.

The scale number has come and gone, and I am just irking up closer to my weight when I started this whole thing 6 years ago.

I never really cared enough in high school to try and lose weight.  I figured that it wouldn’t happen because I wasn’t born that way, I wasn’t athletic, and well sitting in a parking lot eating taco bell and doing other destructive things to my body isn’t conducive to weight loss.

So what’s the plan?

I don’t have one.

The Before and After Weight loss Photos or Pictures by xyngitoff weight loss by vi vi90daychallengeI have no excuse.  “I can’t do it” is not true.  I can, and have before.  I am 20 pounds (TWENTY) pounds heavier than my lowest adult weight.  That was May 25, 2012.

I look back at that and think “GOD I WAS SO FAT”.

It’s depressing.

June 2012 – Not fat

I can’t fit into those pants now.  That shirt barely stays down because my stomach makes it roll up.

I would never wear something sleeveless now.

March 2012 – Not fat

April 2014 – May be not fat, but sure as heck not happy, not where I want to be

I think it’s a weird balance to strike.  I think that we will always seek improvement of ourselves, which is fine, but there needs to be a point of contentment or at least acceptance.

It’s no shocker that I am in therapy, and something she said last night was a real ‘A-ha’ moment, that I have to say people have told me before, but not as bluntly.

“You think you are the Queen of F***** Up.  Well I have news for you.  I’ve seen A LOT worse.  You aren’t even in the top 50%.  In comparison, you are not even bad.  You just think you are because you do nothing but compare yourself.  You compare yourself to the coworkers you have, the woman you see on the street, Kate Middleton, etc.  But what you don’t realize is NONE OF THEM are 100% happy.  If they say they are 100% happy with themselves and every aspect of their lives all the time, they are lying.  We all have insecurities, and we all have low points.  So yes, you might have more than some people, but you are still here.  You can change, but first you need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself and grow a pair.”

Harsh? May be.  What I needed?  I think so.

So on to another week.



Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 5 – Is It Failure?

  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 192.2
  • Week Difference: +0.8
  • Total Difference: +1.2
  • Emotion: So what happened was…

It’s not failure if you continue to try, but, what if you stop trying?

I ran 19.3 miles last week including my 10 mile race.  I was eating everything I wanted.  I figured that my running would cancel it all out – like I always do.  I drank some extra water, ate some more fruit, and then made too many trips to the cafe, too many excuses that I could eat more than the serving size, and only tracked what I felt comfortable tracking.

We went to the brewery this weekend, and while I composed myself and didn’t drink to excess, I could have only gone one day.  I could have taken better care of myself.  I could have.  I would have.  I should have.

Could’a, Would’a, Should’a.  But didn’t.

I look at all the women and men who are successful and I wonder what is different with me.  It’s not my metabolism, it’s not the exercise.  It’s the motivation.

It’s the belief that I am worth it enough to not let food control me.  To not turn to food or drinks to silence the demons in my head.

Being bipolar shouldn’t matter with regards to my weight loss, but it does.  While I am working with a doctor to get my meds straight and on the right levels, I am self medicating for what they aren’t doing.  I’m restless, and bored, so I eat.  I find a new recipe so I bake, and then of course I have to try it, which then turns into half of whatever I made.  I like trying new beers – something I never really liked (I used to hate beer) because my husband and dad like doing it, and it was a way to enjoy time with them.  Kind of like Baseball – never was a fan, until I saw my dad was.

I am not blaming anyone for my actions in any regard.  I now enjoy baseball (A lot) and I enjoy beer (too much).

Jason mentioned yesterday that he felt this was getting out of hand – mostly for the money aspect – it ain’t cheap.  I agreed.

My world seems to teeter on the edge of being completely out of control, and being  completely numb.  Being diagnosed Bipolar was not a shock to me, but at the same time, it never felt real.  I look back at high school with every stupid thing I did as a way to stop the pain.

Now, that I am not part of that lifestyle anymore, I’ve been using food.  I did so well, losing 40 pounds and being in the best shape of my life a few years ago.  Somehow without realizing what was happening, it started to come back.  I’m up 20 pounds from where I was 2 years ago, and that is so sad.  I can’t believe I thought I was fat then.  I look at those pictures and think “Man.  I was freaking hot.”

So now what?

I’m not sure.  I could say I’m going to be better this week, and I will make the effort.  I could say “I’m not sure.”  Or I could do nothing and let my actions speak for themselves.


Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 3 – Standstill

I already knew this secret.  Someday, I am going to try it,  I swear I am.  Just as soon as I finish pinning 100 more fabulous desserts!!!!!!

  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 190.6
  • Week Difference: 0
  • Total Difference: -0.2
  • Emotion: Motivation?

I was surprised that I didn’t gain this week, but also, as usual I was upset that I didn’t lose either.  I do realize that a lot of my weight at this point isn’t just fat, but muscle.  My calves are pretty tight and hard and so are my hamstrings.  I guess if I didn’t feel like an Ox barreling down the hallway when I walk at work, the number on the scale wouldn’t matter so much.

Buy, hey look, it does.

I ran my 7 miles yesterday which was painful and horrible and I hate treadmills.  I think I am developing a hate of running because of treadmills.  I don’t hate it when I am outside or when I am in a race (except for the last mile) so it has to be the treadmill.  I feel weak on it.  My legs and shins start to scream on it.  I think I have found the solution to my own problem.

Today I didn’t really have a workout planned so much as I was going to see how I felt at the end of the day and go from there.  I think I might do some HIIT and arm exercises but without a plan in front of me I look dumb just going through random exercises.  Ugh.

Maybe I’ll do a workout from Drop 2 Sizes and then sprints on the treadmill.  hmmm.

Food Today:

  • B – 2 eggs, 3 strips of bacon, coffee & fat free half and half (6p+)
  • Snack – Orange (0p+)
  • Lunch – Chipotle Salad – Lettuce, Brown Rice, Pinto Beans, Veggies, medium salsa (5p+)
  • Snack – Apple, Banana (0p+) or Quest Nutrition Bar (5p+)
  • Dinner – Gluten free pasta, Ground beef, pasta sauce (12p+)

weight loss motivation | Weight Loss Motivation (Part2) | waysforweightloss

I Got a PW at my Race; Working at Home; Need to get My Ish Together

I got a PW (Personal worst) at my race on Saturday

I was not really prepared going into this race.  I knew that the night before.  I was also not feeling mentally okay the night before or the morning of.  I was nervous about this race, and it wasn’t until I actually started running that I felt good.  I felt great walking through the water stops, and then running while pacing myself through the first 5.5 miles.  Then the bitch of a hill showed up.

Calvert St. leaving Rock Creek Park.


My legs felt shredded and like lead after 9 miles.  BUT they did tick away pretty quickly.  I was kind of shocked how the mile markers never felt too far apart.  I felt strong during it, but my endurance seemed to pretty much suck.  I think that is mainly because of my lack of outdoor runs.  I need and will get back outside this weekend…

Working From Home

…If the snow melts.  Yes.  WE GOT MORE SNOW.  I’m so sick of this.  SO SICK OF THIS.  I’m just happy I have the ability to work from home, so I don’t have to take vacation.  Plus if there was ever a Monday where I needed to take the day off, it would have been today.  My legs still feel pretty shredded from the race, so I plan on doing an easy run later and some strength training.  I need to build up glute and hamstring strength – that is the only way that I am going to get better and faster.  I’d like to build up that strength before the massive training begins with the Marathon and all.  So I’m listening this time, and doing strength training as well as cross training that is not slow running.

Need to Get My Ish Together

I’m the Queen of excuses.  I’m the Queen of tomorrows.  I’m the Queen of “I’ve already screwed up”.  Now I am taking on the title of Queen of One day at a time.  I’m taking everything one step at a time, and going from there.  I’ve pre-tracked today and I hope that helps me stick to things.

I need to stop acting like what I have done up to this point is what I can continue to do and get the results I want.  I have to change to get change.  I have to make the choices that need to happen to evoke the change I want.  I have to decide that this is what I want and then go for it.

Today: 2-3 miles easy run, strength training (lower body)

Let’s do this.

Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 1

  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 188.8 pounds
  • Difference: -2.0 pounds
  • Emotion: Starting Over Looks Good On Me

WOW that was hard to type.  That’s my weight y’all.  Eep.

My goal weight is still up in the air, I’m thinking 155-165? Who knows.  I think it will depend on what happens when I get to those numbers, which I will.

I’m tracking, and picking good choices, and am working on making these things a priority.

Weekly Plan:


  • Tuesday – 3.1 mile run
  • Wednesday – 3.1 mile run
  • Thursday – 3.1 mile run
  • Friday – Rest
  • Saturday – Rock n’ Roll Half Marathon
  • Sunday – Rest
  • Monday – 3.1 mile run


  • Tuesday – Guilt Free Fried Rice with Chicken
  • Wednesday – Gluten Free Pasta with Meat Sauce
  • Thursday – Greek Salad
  • Friday – Eh, something carby
  • Saturday – Eh? Something?
  • Sunday – Wegman’s Salad Bar/Sushi
  • Monday – Meatballs with Brussels Sprouts

I’m going to try and get to bed earlier each night, to aide in the not being exhausted all the time.

I’m pulling in my drinking a lot, because it’s becoming an issue.  I need to establish better limits, and until that happens, I really shouldn’t be going out.

I’m working on the mental stability, and the positive thoughts.  So here’s to another week!

Goodbye January

Did this month go fast for anyone else?  I mean really.  I take the exam – AGAIN – next weekend.  Which is sure to be the weekend that kills me, as it is my sister’s birthday and my parents anniversary on Friday, Saturday is my exam, Sunday is my 5k in the morning, and then dress shopping for my little sisters wedding in the afternoon.  I hate when weekends are jam packed with crap like that.  Oh well.

Today’s Plan:

  • Breakfast: Eggs, and Meatballs, Coffee
  • Snack: Banana
  • Lunch: Mixed greens salad w/ carrots, tomatoes, onion, Gorgonzola, and chicken, yogurt, clementines
  • Snack: Apple, banana, Quest Bar
  • Dinner: Cauliflower Pizza

Activity: 7 Mile Run (On the treadmill because I’m dumb)

I have a doctors appointment straight after work and then I’m running.  I missed my long run last week and did 6 miles on Monday – which I have to say set me up for a really good week mood wise… might continue to have a longer run on Mondays… But I need to make up for it this week.  After two days of no activity, I think my legs are ready for it.  We’ll see.

ugliest-dog 2009 ~ (I don't think there is such a thing as an ugly dog. She is Beautiful~!!!)  ~♥~

Kind of how I feel today

We’ll see how it goes.

This weekend, however, my plans are kind of haphazard.

Tonight: A rousing night of gluten free cooking, DVR’d shows, most likely breaking my Gluten Free-ness and going to BadWolf for a beer, most likely then heading home – or to Harris Teeter for Ice Cream.. Let’s be honest.

Saturday: Rest Day.  Going shopping in the morning for something for my parents, and then heading home to do whatever – most likely clean, or grocery shop, and then dinner with Alex and Lisette afterward at a Japanese Steakhouse!

Sunday: Football day.  Dog Grooming in the morning, 3ish mile run at some point, baking a cake for my brother in law’s birthday celebration that night.  Ignoring the Super Bowl.

  • What are you up to this weekend?
  • Baking anything fun?
  • If you were a dog, what kind of dog would you be?

p.s. I lost 2 pounds this week.  It’s nice, and I am just going to keep on keeping on.


Baby, It’s Cold Outside



So everyone here in the DC area was braced for this Polar Vortex crap that was coming today.  Last night the weather was getting colder, the wind picked up, and we knew as we pulled on our extremely large, fluffy, warm comforter (reserved for such occasions) that we were in for the cold the next morning.  When we woke up this morning the temperature was 4 degrees.  FOUR.

I decided last night to not shower this morning and simply blow dry my hair from its frizzy state this morning.  It worked well, which is nice, but now I feel groggy and weird because I didn’t have my wake up as I usually do.  The minute I left the house, my car, much like myself, was not ready for the commute in.  Since all of the schools were closed, I hit no traffic, but I still felt like my car was shaking a bit more than usual, and refusing to heat up.  I got to work about 20 minutes later (SHORTEST COMMUTE EVER) or 16 miles, and it still had not heated up.


I ran last night, or afternoon rather, and it was a good 3.1 miles.  I am getting used to running faster, or at least I keep telling myself that, and putting the treadmill at a consistent speed so that I can’t really waiver or slow down due to exhaustion is helping.  This doesn’t mean I don’t jump off at times and curse at the machine, but I figure that as long as I keep doing this my endurance with surely gain strength and I will be able to push through my time at the race in February (Where I currently hold my official PR.).

Today is:

3.1 Miles + Weight training


I was given this site’s information after a lengthy discussion with the founder of Eat More to Weigh Less.  I commented on a pinterest post stating that I felt their program was only geared toward lifting and that I also felt at times that they “condemned” runners and cardio lovers a like.  She explained that this is not true and then gave me some information on where to find good workouts.  I am bored with NROLFW and kind of gave up on Drop 2 Sizes because I am dumb.  I plan on picking up D2S after my half marathon and 10 miler races this spring.  But I feel, also, that adding strength training whilst running is still a beneficial idea.  So I am planning the following schedule of workouts that I will aspire to:

  • Monday: Strength Training @ Lunch / Running in the afternoon
  • Tuesday: Running
  • Wednesday: Strength Training @ Lunch
  • Thursday: Rest
  • Friday: Strength Training @ Lunch / Running in the afternoon
  • Saturday: Active Rest
  • Sunday: Longer Run

This way I get three days of strength training and 4 days of running.  I like the two a day approach because at lunch at work I have a hard time running because I get drenched in sweat and then showering takes too long and bam I have to stay a lot later than I want to.  This way I still get a sweat session but it’s not horrible and I won’t feel bad simply using body wipes to clean up.  I can pull my hair into a pony tail for the rest of the day and add some nice smelling body spray and I’m good (or so I hope, I don’t care if I smell really bad frankly.).

Next week will be kind of an abbreviated schedule as Wednesday I have an all day meeting, and it can possibly roll into Thursday.  I plan on simply playing it by ear and hoping to at least get a strength session in at home one of those days.

With regards to eating:  I am trying to focus more on getting protein and veggies in over anything else.  I am gearing all dinners to protein and veggies with only a little starch.  I am thinking that my incessant hunger is attributed to the constant reliance on carbs that then turn into drops in sugar.  Frankly I only want to binge on carbs before and during a race.  That is the only time I really NEED them.

I am doing well so far with the Shakeology, the upping of my activity, and drinking water like I’ve just come from the desert.

This will be my year.

Weekly Weigh In – @Weightwatchers – Week 7

Week: 7
Difference: +0.4
Total Pounds Lost: 5.0
Emotion: Eh, no biggie

I wasn’t sure how the scale would react this week, and while I am always hoping for a loss, this little one isn’t going to phase me.  I need to focus on my eating more than anything, and while I tend to let loose on the weekends, I need to remember to track those excursions, instead of simply saying “Oh I’m good with my weekly points”.  I know many of us tend to do just that.

This weekend, we have another Holiday work party, and I plan on not going crazy over the drinks, food, and desserts. I would like to leave that party feeling as good as I arrived in my sparkly dress.

I’ve kicked up my running a bit in the past week, which I think will help a lot.

I took yesterday off because my legs were still a bit still from the stupid elliptical on Wednesday.  I know if they are sore, it’s because I worked them hard, but at the same time, I hate the elliptical.  I would rather run for the rest of my life on a treadmill and never race again than be on that stupid machine.

Today is another lunch time workout with my coworker.  I am pretty sure I will stick to running – most likely only 2.5ish miles, and then do 4 miles tomorrow.  We don’t have a lot of time at lunch, and I also have to shower today because I am going to see my professor later, and then we also want to get chipotle.  OH my schedule.

Here is a random question…

If you know something is wrong, and you do it anyways, and then feel horrible about it, what does that say about you?  This could be with regards to food, life choices, etc.  But what if you know that what you are doing something wrong, and before it you feel apprehensive and anxious, and then you do it anyways?

I get this way with food, large purchases, drinking too much, etc.  What do you do to make it right?  Do you apologize?  Do you forgive yourself?  Do you vow never to do it again?

I’m just wondering how I can – week after week – make these horrible choices and then feel horrible about them, to only make more horrible choices.