I’m disabling comments for this post, because what ever I type here might be ambiguous, and therefore I am not explaining it.

It’s a weird feeling day today.  There are these moments where I am so intently thinking about other things that I can’t even process what I am getting paid to do at my desk, and then vice versa.  I’ve become somewhat numb, but not comfortably.  It’s numbness that when touched, it stings.  My stomach isn’t in knots so much as it’s been swollen and stretched to the point of discomfort, though it’s still empty.  My head hurts.  My eyes keep drying up.  My throat is sore, and I slept very little last night.

I’m hot then cold, then colder.  I have an ache going through my arms into my rib cage that makes a deep breath seem impossible.

But it all comes and goes.

When it leaves there is a blank feeling.  But a feeling none the less.  There is a moment of “You are so very lucky” glimmering in my eyes, and then it’s gone as motions repeat.

There are sounds that startle me, and I can tell people know something is off.  I’m not as loud, as rude, as annoying as every other day.

Every movement anyone around me makes is scrutinized.  Being excluded, though understandably so, hits a bit harder than usual, with a sudden refreshed, reverbed, redone feeling.

I yawn and feel the cool air conditioned air in the middle of february fill my lungs with ice shards that provide no pain just more nothing.

Already planned on  leaving early, but there is only so much I can take.

But you’re so very lucky

After a truly over indulgent Friday night.. I spent the majority of the weekend online window shopping, and this was my list of things that I must buy in the next year…

New Balance 760 new design for this year, and of course they are the Susan G. Komen edition – beautifully designed, and even more wonderfully supported.  Rated number one among walkers for the 3-Day this shoe has it all.  Style is a given.  Buy Here.

(If you love me and want to buy me a gift I wear a seize 10.5)

Donna Ricco Ruched Cotton Dress from Nordstrom’s looks like the perfect dress to casually wear to work with flats or sandals and then switch to heels, and pearls for a night out.  Perfect cut, stretchy cotton makes it slightly more comfortable and no need for an iron.

Buy Here.

*Sigh* *Swoon*

These are the Manolo Blahnik Campari Patent Mary Jane’s in Flesh.  I die.  I saw them, and tried to justify paying the $645.00 for them.  How I would explain this to Jason, my credit card, my mortgage lender, everyone that would be impacted by this purchase.  I actually walked around thinking how ugly my feet are without them.  And how these shoes would make me feel perfect.

I lost my battle, oh well.

Buy here.  But be warned.  You will be loaning them to me.

I could wear those shoes with this dress!!

Betsey Johnson’s Beaded Lace Sunset Boulevard Dress ($485.00) I love Betsey because she brings so much uniqueness to her designs.  It’s like mixing the 80′s with pretty pretty princess and Cinderella.  I never wear dresses, and frankly I think I would find a way to wear this dress at least once a week.  Well most likely not once a week, but at least once a month.

*Sigh* Buy Here.

It’s hard not to look around my office and smile.  I know weird eh?  Normally when I look around my office I think “ugh, I’m at work”.  But I am lucky to have some artists at my job.  No, I’m not joking.  I have everything from a carebear to the dragon dog thing from Neverending Story (“Falkor?”).  I then see my Capitals flag, and even though we lost in the first round, I still love them, and always will.

My picture of my sisters, my Disney marathon ad, random quotes I wrote down, and my 0-60 in 3-days sticker.  All things that remind me of my life outside of this office.  Well not the drawings on the white board so much, but they still make me happy.

I also have like 3 drinks on my desk.  Coffee, water, and Diet coke.  I am not sure why I needed all of them, but i did.  And I sipping from all 3.

What kind of day is this?  Humid and rainy.  Not exactly awesome weather, thankfully I am just going to the grocery store tonight and not anywhere else.

Well, that I know of yet.

25 days till surgery.  My goal is to walk as much as I can in those 25 days.  I want to get as much mileage under my belt as possible, so that the strength in my legs will propel me through the surgery and physical therapy.

I went walking last night – 2.61 miles – with Blarney.  It’s relaxing walking with him, and for whatever reason he doesn’t get tired too quickly, as long as it’s not hot outside.  Last night was the perfect mix of crisp cool, and warmth.  As the sun went down I felt a bit chilly, but nothing unmanageable, plus I jogged a bit (shhh don’t tell my doctor) and that kept me warm.  It was amazing… I started jogging and my lungs didn’t explode, my legs didn’t ache, it felt amazing, like a hug from an old friend.  I wasn’t going very fast or even for very long, it just felt good.

Then my hip started screaming.  Damn you.

So I continued my stroll back home, at a slow pace.  I still managed to burn 400 calories, much to the dismay of my hip, as I awoke with it screaming today.

Eep.  Sorry.

i only smile when you walk away, so you don’t know the truth that is written all over my face

nothing has been said, though your words seem to completely surround

this sweet disarray

this restful chaos

this moment to photograph

and keep.  Still.

holding without feeling you there

i don’t count the days, that your absent from view

i make soundtracks based on conversations

that we may or may not have had

and plan my words around you

and how I would tell you

if a chance was given

a moment to make it all clear and make sense

and how I would say

weheartit.com

Another day.  Another Doctors appointment.  I vaguely remember what it was like to not have a doctors appointment once a week.  Like I said Vaguely.

I am not nervous about doctors anymore.  I am just a bit nervous about the scale at the doctors office.  It never fails to sadden me. But enough of that, I have been absent in my substantial blog posts.  I feel like I have not written here, about something meaningful to me in a while.  I’m not sure what to write even now.

I am stressed at my job, my home, my relationships, everything it seems.  Stress has taken it’s form as breakouts on my face, and extra food on my plate.  I sat last night after dinner feeling satisfied, and then for whatever reason began to mindlessly munch on random things.  Luckily my house is mistake proof and it ended up being grapes and apples, but still, did I need to eat those things? No.

I am tired, beyond belief, and need to rest, but at night my mind wanders, and is full.  It won’t let me stop thinking even for a moment about the various things of my day.  Luckily i no longer dream about work.  I used to have nightmares about slidesets and tasking, but thank God that was just a phase.

I have absolutely no faith that the Capitals will win tonight.  But I hope I am proven wrong.

I need to drink more water.  I feel gross and worn out.

I need this ladies night coming up on Friday.  I will need the walking this saturday more.

I love when old music comes on my listening station… Pandora you have made my day.  Jason Mraz “I’ll do Anything” is seriously exactly what I needed to hear today.

I used to sing along to this song loudly from my room or car.  I also had convinced myself that I would be marrying him as well.

Well I married a Jason

I am looking forward to getting home, making dinner, and treats for work people tomorrow, then relaxing with Yoga.

I am having a hard time realizing that in about a month I won’t be able to do yoga, or much of anything.

I’ll let you know when it sinks in.

Thank you Megihan for tagging this on Buzz..

So I figured with all the races I signed up for, and missed, I didn’t want my trials and tribulations of running to go undocumented.  So, I bought a scrapbook and carefully placed all my unused bibs and various other trinkets inside.  I also started the book off with the last race I actually accomplished.  Back in December.

As I was walking tonight with Jason and Blarney I began to wonder if I’ll ever cross a finish line again, and if I do, will I still enjoy it?  I’ve enjoyed sleeping in, and not rushing out the door to get a run in before work, or having to go after work which I hate because the gym is always so busy.  Then I realized that not only do I miss all these annoyances, I am mad that I can’t have them right now.  I am mad that I am being forced to be ‘lazy’.

There is just a crap load of stress going on right now.  This month has been the worst.  Everything that could have happened did.  A lost a friend, my mother in law was diagnosed with Cancer, I found out I have to have surgery, etc. etc. etc.

I am just hoping that with everything I have been dished with, that God will make this the end?  May be?  I think I am at my capacity of handling things.

Well off to sleep.  Hope to get a good walk in tomorrow morning.  Hope to have a better week this week.

I hope the Capitals win tomorrow night too.