So Lucky.


I’m disabling comments for this post, because what ever I type here might be ambiguous, and therefore I am not explaining it.

 

It’s a weird feeling day today.  There are these moments where I am so intently thinking about other things that I can’t even process what I am getting paid to do at my desk, and then vice versa.  I’ve become somewhat numb, but not comfortably.  It’s numbness that when touched, it stings.  My stomach isn’t in knots so much as it’s been swollen and stretched to the point of discomfort, though it’s still empty.  My head hurts.  My eyes keep drying up.  My throat is sore, and I slept very little last night.

I’m hot then cold, then colder.  I have an ache going through my arms into my rib cage that makes a deep breath seem impossible.

But it all comes and goes.

When it leaves there is a blank feeling.  But a feeling none the less.  There is a moment of “You are so very lucky” glimmering in my eyes, and then it’s gone as motions repeat.

There are sounds that startle me, and I can tell people know something is off.  I’m not as loud, as rude, as annoying as every other day.

Every movement anyone around me makes is scrutinized.  Being excluded, though understandably so, hits a bit harder than usual, with a sudden refreshed, reverbed, redone feeling.

I yawn and feel the cool air conditioned air in the middle of february fill my lungs with ice shards that provide no pain just more nothing.

Already planned on  leaving early, but there is only so much I can take.

But you’re so very lucky

1000


This, here post, is my 1000 post.

Wow.

One Thousand? Really? Do I really have that much to say? Have I really said that much? Has it been enjoyable? Meaningful? Worth it? Have I made you smile, even just once? Have I made you see things through my crazy goggles? Have you seen things from a different perspective?

I know I have.

I’ve learned so much from writing things out here, and living the advice I’ve been given. I’m thankful for those of you who still read this random collection of my craziness, and still haven’t banded together to have my committed, just yet. May be in the next 1000.

I have learned a few things… Interesting things:

  1. I am my own worst enemy. I used to think mentally punishing myself would help me, but I’ve realized (Albeit, recently) that this is not the case. Good and bad days happen.
  2. I spend entirely too much time “Window Shopping” online
  3. I will never get published if I don’t continue to put myself out there
  4. Some of the best friends I will ever have, I have not met in person yet
  5. I can run races. As long as I finish I’m winning.
  6. Top 10 lists are annoying when that’s all you post
  7. “Starting over” posts lose their impact when you do this once a week
  8. My Husband is without a doubt, my biggest fan. The next two are my dogs.
  9. I can’t take a self portrait picture that looks good to save my life
  10. Instagram has taken me over.
  11. iPhone Photos sometimes really suck.
  12. Social Networks + Family =/= Awesometimes (all the time)
  13. I have a love/hate relationship with running
  14. I’m a food addict
  15. I NEED TO MOVE TO SEATTLE LIKE YESTERDAY
  16. I secretly love my job and the fake power I’ve derived from it.
  17. People who I don’t know who comment on my site fill me with such joy
  18. Seeing my blog pulled up on a Macbook Air in Tyson’s Corner Mall Apple Store was the third best moment of my life
  19. Realizing the story I’ve been trying to right has been, here, in this blog, all along – Second best moment of my life
  20. Being able to use my voice, freely, in this forum as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+, 20 Something Bloggers, StumbleIt, Tumblr, Posterous, and all of the other mediums, without the persecution from higher authorities is, and will continue to be the best moment, never ceasing, of my life. God Bless Uh-Merica.

thank you for giving me stuff to say

Jason*Blarney*Moody, Mom, Dad, Meag-Sister, Cece-Sister, Brian, Shortski, Turtle, The herd at McCracken’s pub, Jason’s family for sometimes providing interesting scenarios that end up being content on here, and the book (ha ha), Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington, DC, The US Navy, People at work, Night shift, Honda, Weight Watchers, LTE/STE, Tawnya (I swear I’m moving), RAINN, Apple Products, the guy in security who still chuckles at the tampons in my purse, The cashier at Whole Foods who always comments on how much salad I am buying, My office mate for being an jerk in one breath and a saint in the next, The Cast of Grey’s Anatomy, Courtney from the Bachelor, Hyperbole and a Half, The Blogess and all you stand for.

There are more.. Vastly more. But I am only thanking you for being hilarious, evil or frankly topic worthy for the past 1000 posts. When I get published, I plan on including a section of the book completely dedicated to Thank You’s. By name. In varying fonts.

(Publisher Willing)

Weekend Wishlist


After a truly over indulgent Friday night.. I spent the majority of the weekend online window shopping, and this was my list of things that I must buy in the next year…

New Balance 760 new design for this year, and of course they are the Susan G. Komen edition – beautifully designed, and even more wonderfully supported.  Rated number one among walkers for the 3-Day this shoe has it all.  Style is a given.  Buy Here.

(If you love me and want to buy me a gift I wear a seize 10.5) :-)

Donna Ricco Ruched Cotton Dress from Nordstrom’s looks like the perfect dress to casually wear to work with flats or sandals and then switch to heels, and pearls for a night out.  Perfect cut, stretchy cotton makes it slightly more comfortable and no need for an iron.

Buy Here.

*Sigh* *Swoon*

These are the Manolo Blahnik Campari Patent Mary Jane’s in Flesh.  I die.  I saw them, and tried to justify paying the $645.00 for them.  How I would explain this to Jason, my credit card, my mortgage lender, everyone that would be impacted by this purchase.  I actually walked around thinking how ugly my feet are without them.  And how these shoes would make me feel perfect.

I lost my battle, oh well.

Buy here.  But be warned.  You will be loaning them to me.

I could wear those shoes with this dress!!

Betsey Johnson’s Beaded Lace Sunset Boulevard Dress ($485.00) I love Betsey because she brings so much uniqueness to her designs.  It’s like mixing the 80’s with pretty pretty princess and Cinderella.  I never wear dresses, and frankly I think I would find a way to wear this dress at least once a week.  Well most likely not once a week, but at least once a month.

*Sigh* Buy Here.

look up and smile


It’s hard not to look around my office and smile.  I know weird eh?  Normally when I look around my office I think “ugh, I’m at work”.  But I am lucky to have some artists at my job.  No, I’m not joking.  I have everything from a carebear to the dragon dog thing from Neverending Story (“Falkor?”).  I then see my Capitals flag, and even though we lost in the first round, I still love them, and always will.

My picture of my sisters, my Disney marathon ad, random quotes I wrote down, and my 0-60 in 3-days sticker.  All things that remind me of my life outside of this office.  Well not the drawings on the white board so much, but they still make me happy.

I also have like 3 drinks on my desk.  Coffee, water, and Diet coke.  I am not sure why I needed all of them, but i did.  And I sipping from all 3.

What kind of day is this?  Humid and rainy.  Not exactly awesome weather, thankfully I am just going to the grocery store tonight and not anywhere else.

Well, that I know of yet.

25 days


25 days till surgery.  My goal is to walk as much as I can in those 25 days.  I want to get as much mileage under my belt as possible, so that the strength in my legs will propel me through the surgery and physical therapy.

I went walking last night – 2.61 miles – with Blarney.  It’s relaxing walking with him, and for whatever reason he doesn’t get tired too quickly, as long as it’s not hot outside.  Last night was the perfect mix of crisp cool, and warmth.  As the sun went down I felt a bit chilly, but nothing unmanageable, plus I jogged a bit (shhh don’t tell my doctor) and that kept me warm.  It was amazing… I started jogging and my lungs didn’t explode, my legs didn’t ache, it felt amazing, like a hug from an old friend.  I wasn’t going very fast or even for very long, it just felt good.

Then my hip started screaming.  Damn you.

So I continued my stroll back home, at a slow pace.  I still managed to burn 400 calories, much to the dismay of my hip, as I awoke with it screaming today.

Eep.  Sorry.

Sweet Disarray


i only smile when you walk away, so you don’t know the truth that is written all over my face

nothing has been said, though your words seem to completely surround

this sweet disarray

this restful chaos

this moment to photograph

and keep.  Still.

holding without feeling you there

i don’t count the days, that your absent from view

i make soundtracks based on conversations

that we may or may not have had

and plan my words around you

and how I would tell you

if a chance was given

a moment to make it all clear and make sense

and how I would say

weheartit.com

Cha – Cha – Changes… turn and face the strange…


Another day.  Another Doctors appointment.  I vaguely remember what it was like to not have a doctors appointment once a week.  Like I said Vaguely.

I am not nervous about doctors anymore.  I am just a bit nervous about the scale at the doctors office.  It never fails to sadden me. But enough of that, I have been absent in my substantial blog posts.  I feel like I have not written here, about something meaningful to me in a while.  I’m not sure what to write even now.

I am stressed at my job, my home, my relationships, everything it seems.  Stress has taken it’s form as breakouts on my face, and extra food on my plate.  I sat last night after dinner feeling satisfied, and then for whatever reason began to mindlessly munch on random things.  Luckily my house is mistake proof and it ended up being grapes and apples, but still, did I need to eat those things? No.

I am tired, beyond belief, and need to rest, but at night my mind wanders, and is full.  It won’t let me stop thinking even for a moment about the various things of my day.  Luckily i no longer dream about work.  I used to have nightmares about slidesets and tasking, but thank God that was just a phase.

I have absolutely no faith that the Capitals will win tonight.  But I hope I am proven wrong.

I need to drink more water.  I feel gross and worn out.

I need this ladies night coming up on Friday.  I will need the walking this saturday more.