- Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
- Current Weight: 193.0
- Week Difference: +1.6
- Total Difference: +2.0
- Emotion: Over it
I just, I can’t. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep letting myself down. It has no explanation or excuse except I didn’t do it. This isn’t because my body holds on to weight, or that I am bloated, or that it’s muscle over fat.
It’s that I just didn’t do it.
The scale number has come and gone, and I am just irking up closer to my weight when I started this whole thing 6 years ago.
I never really cared enough in high school to try and lose weight. I figured that it wouldn’t happen because I wasn’t born that way, I wasn’t athletic, and well sitting in a parking lot eating taco bell and doing other destructive things to my body isn’t conducive to weight loss.
So what’s the plan?
I don’t have one.
I have no excuse. “I can’t do it” is not true. I can, and have before. I am 20 pounds (TWENTY) pounds heavier than my lowest adult weight. That was May 25, 2012.
I look back at that and think “GOD I WAS SO FAT”.
I can’t fit into those pants now. That shirt barely stays down because my stomach makes it roll up.
I would never wear something sleeveless now.
I think it’s a weird balance to strike. I think that we will always seek improvement of ourselves, which is fine, but there needs to be a point of contentment or at least acceptance.
It’s no shocker that I am in therapy, and something she said last night was a real ‘A-ha’ moment, that I have to say people have told me before, but not as bluntly.
“You think you are the Queen of F***** Up. Well I have news for you. I’ve seen A LOT worse. You aren’t even in the top 50%. In comparison, you are not even bad. You just think you are because you do nothing but compare yourself. You compare yourself to the coworkers you have, the woman you see on the street, Kate Middleton, etc. But what you don’t realize is NONE OF THEM are 100% happy. If they say they are 100% happy with themselves and every aspect of their lives all the time, they are lying. We all have insecurities, and we all have low points. So yes, you might have more than some people, but you are still here. You can change, but first you need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself and grow a pair.”
Harsh? May be. What I needed? I think so.
So on to another week.