- Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
- Current Weight: 192.2
- Week Difference: +0.8
- Total Difference: +1.2
- Emotion: So what happened was…
It’s not failure if you continue to try, but, what if you stop trying?
I ran 19.3 miles last week including my 10 mile race. I was eating everything I wanted. I figured that my running would cancel it all out – like I always do. I drank some extra water, ate some more fruit, and then made too many trips to the cafe, too many excuses that I could eat more than the serving size, and only tracked what I felt comfortable tracking.
We went to the brewery this weekend, and while I composed myself and didn’t drink to excess, I could have only gone one day. I could have taken better care of myself. I could have. I would have. I should have.
Could’a, Would’a, Should’a. But didn’t.
I look at all the women and men who are successful and I wonder what is different with me. It’s not my metabolism, it’s not the exercise. It’s the motivation.
It’s the belief that I am worth it enough to not let food control me. To not turn to food or drinks to silence the demons in my head.
Being bipolar shouldn’t matter with regards to my weight loss, but it does. While I am working with a doctor to get my meds straight and on the right levels, I am self medicating for what they aren’t doing. I’m restless, and bored, so I eat. I find a new recipe so I bake, and then of course I have to try it, which then turns into half of whatever I made. I like trying new beers – something I never really liked (I used to hate beer) because my husband and dad like doing it, and it was a way to enjoy time with them. Kind of like Baseball – never was a fan, until I saw my dad was.
I am not blaming anyone for my actions in any regard. I now enjoy baseball (A lot) and I enjoy beer (too much).
Jason mentioned yesterday that he felt this was getting out of hand – mostly for the money aspect – it ain’t cheap. I agreed.
My world seems to teeter on the edge of being completely out of control, and being completely numb. Being diagnosed Bipolar was not a shock to me, but at the same time, it never felt real. I look back at high school with every stupid thing I did as a way to stop the pain.
Now, that I am not part of that lifestyle anymore, I’ve been using food. I did so well, losing 40 pounds and being in the best shape of my life a few years ago. Somehow without realizing what was happening, it started to come back. I’m up 20 pounds from where I was 2 years ago, and that is so sad. I can’t believe I thought I was fat then. I look at those pictures and think “Man. I was freaking hot.”
So now what?
I’m not sure. I could say I’m going to be better this week, and I will make the effort. I could say “I’m not sure.” Or I could do nothing and let my actions speak for themselves.