Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 5 – Is It Failure?


  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 192.2
  • Week Difference: +0.8
  • Total Difference: +1.2
  • Emotion: So what happened was…

It’s not failure if you continue to try, but, what if you stop trying?

I ran 19.3 miles last week including my 10 mile race.  I was eating everything I wanted.  I figured that my running would cancel it all out – like I always do.  I drank some extra water, ate some more fruit, and then made too many trips to the cafe, too many excuses that I could eat more than the serving size, and only tracked what I felt comfortable tracking.

We went to the brewery this weekend, and while I composed myself and didn’t drink to excess, I could have only gone one day.  I could have taken better care of myself.  I could have.  I would have.  I should have.

Could’a, Would’a, Should’a.  But didn’t.

I look at all the women and men who are successful and I wonder what is different with me.  It’s not my metabolism, it’s not the exercise.  It’s the motivation.

It’s the belief that I am worth it enough to not let food control me.  To not turn to food or drinks to silence the demons in my head.

Being bipolar shouldn’t matter with regards to my weight loss, but it does.  While I am working with a doctor to get my meds straight and on the right levels, I am self medicating for what they aren’t doing.  I’m restless, and bored, so I eat.  I find a new recipe so I bake, and then of course I have to try it, which then turns into half of whatever I made.  I like trying new beers – something I never really liked (I used to hate beer) because my husband and dad like doing it, and it was a way to enjoy time with them.  Kind of like Baseball – never was a fan, until I saw my dad was.

I am not blaming anyone for my actions in any regard.  I now enjoy baseball (A lot) and I enjoy beer (too much).

Jason mentioned yesterday that he felt this was getting out of hand – mostly for the money aspect – it ain’t cheap.  I agreed.

My world seems to teeter on the edge of being completely out of control, and being  completely numb.  Being diagnosed Bipolar was not a shock to me, but at the same time, it never felt real.  I look back at high school with every stupid thing I did as a way to stop the pain.

Now, that I am not part of that lifestyle anymore, I’ve been using food.  I did so well, losing 40 pounds and being in the best shape of my life a few years ago.  Somehow without realizing what was happening, it started to come back.  I’m up 20 pounds from where I was 2 years ago, and that is so sad.  I can’t believe I thought I was fat then.  I look at those pictures and think “Man.  I was freaking hot.”

So now what?

I’m not sure.  I could say I’m going to be better this week, and I will make the effort.  I could say “I’m not sure.”  Or I could do nothing and let my actions speak for themselves.

 

Breaking Point


I’m not sure how I got this out of control.  I am not sure why I allow myself to continue to treat my body like a moving dumpster (Thanks The Oatmeal for the perfect visual).  I just don’t get how I can hate the way I look and feel so much, but still can’t turn around and do something about it.  I look at Jason and think ‘He can stop eating… hwy can’t I?’  Emotional issues, boredom issues, and the feeling of never being good enough to treat myself better, are the starting points.

How I always see myself (Heaviest Weight 221 pounds)

How I always see myself (Heaviest Weight 221 pounds)

221 pounds at Disney World

221 pounds at Disney World

Lowest Adult Weight - 172.3 Pounds (San Francisco, CA 2011)

Lowest Adult Weight – 172.3 Pounds (San Francisco, CA 2011)

Feb 9, 2014 : 180's-190's

Feb 9, 2014 : 180′s-190′s

That took a lot to type that.  I actually am sweating.  Putting my weight out there for anyone and everyone to see.  I’ve said it a hundred times.  I’ll say it 100 more.  I’m not giving up.  I’m not going to ever be that weight again.  I weighed in this morning, and reset my weight tracking day to Tuesday.  I’ve changed my macros on Myfitnesspal so that I can focus on the types of calories I am putting in my body and not just the number.

I’m doing 4 miles this afternoon and an arm circuit.  I am so lost without a plan and without any idea of what I am doing anymore.

I’ve hit my breaking point.  I’ve hit the moment where I can’t take the person that I’ve become.  I need to be held accountable.

Meals

  • Breakfast: 4 pieces of bacon, 2 eggs, coffee & half and half
  • Snack: Banana
  • Lunch: Big Salad: broccoli slaw, onion, carrots, mushrooms, feta, white balsamic; Taboule; Yogurt, Diet Coke
  • Snack: Apple & Shakeology mix
  • Quinoa, beef, and Egg mash

I’m going to win this fight.

 

 

 

So You Want to Play With Magic?


I’m on Day 3 of Wheat Free, and I have to say I am pretty much loving how I’m feeling.  Not hungry, more energy, no headaches, etc.  It’s a wonder.

I’m working on a post explaining a lot of my choices with this, and lots of sources on the subject.  If for nothing else, I am so far doing well.  I am liking the current state with myself, but like I’ve said before, it’s not for everyone, and I would never push a diet on here that I think everyone should do.  Find what works for you and do it.

FYI I’m still eating carbs, just not of the bread variety.

I’m obsessed with that Katy Perry song by the way, I’ve downloaded it for my running playlist and am not ashamed to say I’ve listened to it on repeat pretty much for the past 4 days.  I know that I sound nothing like her, so I apologize if you are caught with me in a small space when it comes on the radio, because you are in for torture.

Be My Friend.

Be My Friend.

So it’s Wednesday and I suck at taking pictures of my food.  So here is one picture of what I am eating today:

Clementines (0P+)

Clementines (0P+)

Yep.  that’s it.

Menu:

  • Breakfast: 2 Eggs, 3 strips of bacon, coffee with Half n’ Half
  • Snack: SO MANY CLEMENTINES
  • Lunch: Mixed Green Salad with: Cucumber, Zucchini, baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, feta, chicken strips, and balsamic vinaigrette.  Yogurt, Diet Coke
  • Snack: Apple
  • During Class Snack: Quest Nutrition Chocolate Brownie Protein Bar (Gluten Free!)
  • Dinner: Bacon Wrapped Chicken Breast with Parmesan Asparagus

No activity today because there is no time for a lunch time workout with all the meetings I have, and I’ll be in class till 7, not getting home till close to 8.

It’s okay.  I ran yesterday!

We got snow again last night, which meant that no one had school, and no one was driving normally, and everyone acted like it was the end of the world and all humanity.

If my hockey puck of a car can make it through, you have no excuse.  Unless of course you ride a bicycle, unicycle, rickshaw, or swim to work.

I’m noticing that my running is getting harder and harder.  At first I was like “My legs are obviously possessed and no longer wish to abide by their owner” but then I thought – Is it my shoes?  Nope, couldn’t be.  I’ve had these babies not even six months, and I don’t run more than like 20 miles a week, so there is no way I’ve worn them out – and I have two pairs which I interchange frequently.  So, could it be my alien parasite that I was talking about on Twitter earlier?

Untitled

 

and then I made, what I was told, is an insensitive comment

Untitled1I can see both sides.

Or maybe it is the fact I am running on a treadmill?  I’m not sure.  I do know, however, my long run of 7 miles will be outside this Saturday because apparently it’s going to be in the 50′s?  I mean, Weather… come on.

Don’t tease me so.

Well, that’s all I got.

If you hate my Bachelor Recaps and want a better one each week go to: http://www.ashleyjonesy.com/

 

The Bachelor – Week 2 – Recap


Yeah this horribly late.

This was just… well… weird.

We had Single Date #1 with Clare Crawley, where he took her to a winter wonderland in LA.  Yeah there was snow, they were sledding, and then of course there was a hot tub.  Duh.

Juan Pablo and Clare Crawley Hold Hands in The Bachelor Season 18, Week 2

He blindfolded her while he drove to the date.  She was all like “Where are we going???” just like you would be, right?  I’d be like “Dude.  No.  I read 50 Shades.  I don’t do this.  Red Room of Pain?  Not my Bag.” And he’d be all like “Como?”

They showed up and she was all like “OMG” and he just giggled.  It was very innocent.

But, as these things go, it didn’t take long before his shirt was off, and they were in the hot tub and she was crying about her life.  Her father passed (Which is sad, I’m not heartless) and he sat with complete attention on her while she cried and talked about it.  At least she is a pretty crier.

Then of course they made out.

The music started playing and some guy name Josh Krajcik – WHO OF COURSE THEY BOTH KNEW AND WERE BIG FANS OF – was in a corner of the wonderland and they started slow dancing in their bathing suits in the snow.

“This is a fairy tale” was uttered more than once, and barf.

She of course, got the rose.

Single Date #2 with Kat – You know what I love doing on a first date?  Running.  I love being getting to know someone when I am sweating profusely, cursing at my legs, and constantly heaving.  That’s totally my bag.  Unlike 50 Shades.

Kat Hurd and Juan Pablo After the Electric Run in The Bachelor Season 18, Week 2

He flew Kat to Utah to do the Electric Run.  Like ABC couldn’t have had one happen in LA at the same time.  NOPE, gotta use that private jet that they JUST HAD TO HAVE.  So they ran the 5k – which took all of like 6 minutes (World Record guys) – and then there was a big party afterward, because that’s what you get at the end of a Bachelor race.  At the end of my half marathons I get watered down Gatorade, and Michelob Ultra to BUY, and  possibly half a stale bagel, but these people, they get a damn party.

Nothing but the best for our Juan.

Despite the public nature of their date, they ended up dancing like two 14 year old’s at a high school dance without much supervision, and then making out like bandits.  She, of course, got the rose.

The (dreaded) group date:  So I’m all for charity that has to do with Dogs.  ALL FOR IT.  These girls had to dress up and pose for a calendar that would benefit the Best Friends Animal Rescue – which is working to rid the world of kill shelters (MY KIND OF PEOPLE), and all the dogs in the calendar are up for adoption (I’ll take all 12+, please).  So the girls ranged from Being airbrushed with paint to look like their dogs, to wearing bikinis, to dressing up like a fire hydrant, to being completely naked.  Yes, naked.

Christy Hansen, Lauren Solomon, Kelly Travis, and Elise Mosca in Costume in The Bachelor Season 18, Week 2

OMG, guys.

Best line from a blog I found “By the way, Lucy “Free Spirit” Aragon offered to trade outfits with Elise, thereby robbing her of a chance to see Juan Pablo’s man parts. This is what happens when you refuse to appear naked on national television, girl.” (Source of line and all pictures)

Kelly – the dog lover – got the rose on this date (She is the one airbrushed to look like a brown and white spotted creature).

Now here comes the real DRAMZ.

So Victoria – a 24(?) year old wanna be stepmom to Juan Pablo’s 5 year old decided at the end of the group date where they are all chilling and drinking in dresses or bathing suits (because duh there is a pool and hot tub everywhere you go on this adventure with Juan), to get BLITZED.  That’s what I would do, frankly, because Open Bar.

Because she didn’t get to spend one on one time with him – yet – she decided there was no point to be normal ever again, and she started strutting around like a crazy person and then decided to say she was leaving.  She threw on her cover up and that was that.  She started assaulting the Producers and screaming “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE” no that’s not right… “I WANNA GO HOME” and then locked herself in a bathroom stall, where one of the resident mothers decided to try and take care of her, where everyone else was like “Hah no.  What if he comes looking for me?”

So Juany-Poo tried to go and talk to her, and she was like ‘SOB SOB SOB’ so he left.  The next morning he came to talk to her, she apologized, and then he said “Yeah, you need to go” (Not an exact quote).

At the rose ceremony he also kicked off Amy Long and Chantel Forrest (WHO WAS JUST SHOCKED) – girl you had like 5 seconds on camera.

I can’t wait to see what happens tonight on The Bachelor! (8:00 pm ET/PT on ABC)

It Feels Like Somewhere Else


Yesterday it rained and drizzled all day, and into the night.  We woke up this morning (well 10 am) to pouring rain and gray skies.  I for one, do not mind this weather at all.  I would love to stay in bed and do nothing today, but because we only get two precious days of the weekend, we decided to make the most of it today.

We were planning on going to a museum in DC, but with the weather, and the fact that I am being a lazy bum, I think we will opt for a less active excursion.  I ran 4 miles yesterday and I am planning on 6-7 miles tomorrow, so today falling as a rest day was perfect planning on my part.  I am slightly unmotivated to do much today on account of the weather, but I really should be studying for my Praxis exam coming up next month.  I should also be trying to not worry and be concerned with my work meeting next week, because frankly it will go as it goes.

I am having a hard time right now with a lot of things that came to light over the past 72 hours.  I’m very worried about one thing, that came as a shock, and a complete curve ball.  I wonder if God truly gives us more than we can handle, and he takes what ever we can’t carry, when is he going to pick up the abundance of crap from this person? It’s not fair in the slightest.  Of all the people in the world.  Really.

Another thing has left me feeling scarred.  I am feeling my relationship with this person fading and I don’t want it to.  Not in the most minor part.  We have been through so much together for so long, the idea of it ending makes me sick.  I am not sure if it affecting this person as it is affecting me, and we all deal with our own things the way we can.  I am not sure the current, unchangeable situation is beneficial for our relationship, but like I said it’s unchangeable.  I am always worried for the wellbeing of this person because I’m a friend.  This is what I do.  I worry about everyone in my life.  It’s part of my personality.  It’s not something I can turn off, and when I hear that anyone in my world is upset a lot, scared, and frustrated, it’s only natural for me to go into warp speed worrying.  May be it’s not always as bad as I think, but never hearing the good sides of life has left me in the dark to the other half of their life.  May be it’s not always conveyed as it should, but this is how I am, and it’s how I will always be.  This is me throwing it out to God to give both of us, all of us, comfort.  We are doing the best we can.

I’m drinking Chocolate milk, because it was the only thing that didn’t make me feel nauseated.  I’m really trying to do well, folks.  I am.  It’s just becoming harder, everyday, as opposed to being easier.  It’s like running up a hill thinking you are at the top, to only see another hill and then a drop off.  I’m teetering at this point.

I hope you all are having a lovely Saturday where you are.  I might convince Jason to take me shopping, where I will buy nothing, but marvel at least it will get me out of the house.

xoxoxoxox

I’m Accepting Things


Last night with the amounting stress of not being able to get the New iPhone 5s, my husband and I were forced to drive home from Tysons Corner Mall empty handed.  For whatever asinine reason this kind of set me off.  I’m not saying that I am actually stressed about this, but it was a glimmer of something to look forward to this afternoon and it didn’t happen.

We were sitting on the couch watching the new SVU episodes, and I just turned to Jason and said “I feel like I have no control.”

That is what it has felt like.  It is as if everything I am doing is for nothing.  All the studying, the preparing, the running, the attempt at eating healthy, everything.  It’s getting me nowhere.

He simply said to me “But you do have control.  That is all you have.”

He was, and usually is, right.

I have to accept things as they are if I ever plan on moving forward.  I have to accept what will happen if I don’t pass this exam, and I have to be okay with it.  So this is what will happen in list form if I don’t pass:

  • I can’t start my student teaching until Fall 2014
  • I will have to remain at this job until late August of 2014
  • I will be able to take classes next semester towards my Masters – they will just be electives
  • I will be able to save more money up in order to help when I do leave my current position
  •  I will have more time to adequately prepare for my exam which I can then take again in December 2013

That list isn’t so scary, right?  I mean, yes, I had plans to quit.  I had plans of being employed in my new career in fall of 2014.   I HAD PLANS.  But that’s the problem.  They were my plans.

I spent a good portion of last night praying after Jason had fallen asleep and simply asked God if I am working on his timetable.  If not, could he please put me on it.  I asked for peace with whatever type of path it is, and I asked for comfort in knowing that if this all gets delayed (in my mind, right on time in his) that I will not find myself as a failure.  I think that is my biggest problem right now.  I am terrified of this somehow making me a loser or a failure if I don’t follow some arbitrary plan I have for myself.  It will mean I don’t progress with my current program group, and while that is sad, it’s not the end of the world.  I can live vicariously through them, still meet them for drinks, and still hang out, and get there insider info.

I have to accept some other things too:

  1. I’m never going to get where I want to be with my weight until I accept myself as I am now.  It’s difficult, and daunting, but I have to love myself as I am in order to want change.  Hating yourself makes this whole eating healthy and working out thing seem like punishment or a chore. It makes everything seem like work, and no one likes work.
  2. I can not have certain things in the house no matter how much I tell myself at the grocery store, that I can exercise restraint.  Nope, I can’t.  I can’t have cereal, ice cream, desserts, pretzels, etc.  I have to get this through my head.
  3. I SPEND WAY TOO MUCH MONEY.  I need to stop doing this because frankly it’s just stressing me out more, and making things harder on Jason.
  4. Being Self Deprecating is only cute for a while – then you just become annoying.  I have crossed the threshold into annoying, and it happened a long time ago.

There are many more things, I am sure, but right now these are at the top of my list.  I am going to work on making these a reality in my life, and only then will I be able to change.

xoxoxoxox

Finding the Words


I go to a psychiatrist.  I am trying to go back to therapy.  I find that attaining the right, perfect for you therapist, is harder than finding that person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Realizing Jason was the one, was one of the easiest things I have ever done.  Keeping our marriage strong and intact, is work, and it’s hard, but it’s worth it.

Finding a therapist on the other hand is EXCEPTIONALLY difficult.  For me to be able to be that open.  That naked.  That vulnerable – with someone I am also paying?  It’s not easy.

I’ve talked with about 4 in the past two weeks on the phone.  None of them seem right.  Either their voice is annoying, their hours suck, or they want me to chant.

I don’t chant.

I don’t care if it will solve all of my problems.  I can’t take it seriously.  Sorry to those of you that chant, and chant often.  It’s just not for me.

I had a monumental disaster of a day yesterday food wise.  I was eating for comfort – and it was bad.  I am stressed about so much right now, it’s literally making me sick.  I can’t tell you how many times yesterday when I was woofing down food like a hippo in the Hungry Hungry Hippo game that I felt nauseated, and gross.  There was a point where I had eaten so much crap, I was sweating.  I couldn’t keep my body upright because the surge of sugar crap that I haven’t eaten in ages was being fought by my body.

Today is a new day.

I am going to run this afternoon and I have a great dinner planned.  I am trying not to focus on what I think other people are thinking of me, but when I look at my own self, my own life, and I see how incredibly fucked up it is in my head, I can’t help but think that everyone else is thinking the same thing.  Or worse.

I need to stop caring what everyone thinks, because they don’t wake up as me everyday.  I know I have it great by pretty much every standard out there.  I am employed, I am in school, I have a great husband and family, two amazing dogs, quality friends, and a house.  I am in relatively low debt considering how much I shop randomly, and I am loved.

I find joy in these things, I am not ungrateful.

It’s just the joy chips away when the newness wears off.  I have that sad cloud over me pretty much 95% of the time.  I wake up in the middle of the night, sad, and then go into the bathroom to cry so I don’t wake up Jason.  I’ll cuddle up with one of my dogs on the floor just to feel something next to me (Jason gets really overheated when he sleeps, and he snores, so I stay away from him mostly – still love you!).

I have relentless stressed filled dreams from dying to failing at the Praxis II again – and everything in between.

That’s where my head is at this moment.

xoxoxo

p.s. to the Giveaway winner – I swear I am going to stop at the Post Office to drop off the box.  I’ve just not been really capable of functioning lately.

Not Liking Yourself


I am guilty of being entirely negative about myself on a minute by minute basis.  I need (or at least I think I need) constant reassurance, and affirmation on myself in pretty much every aspect of life.  I know this is annoying to everyone who comes in contact with me, and I know it makes me hard to be around.  I sense my neediness is the number one reason why I didn’t have many friends in High School or College and why the few I did have are no longer in my life.  I get anxious when planning get together’s with people because I instantly feel uncomfortable walking out of my house, driving to a location, and then having to make conversation for a indefinite amount of time.

While I am outgoing, it’s all forced and awkward.  I have to tell myself to shut up at times because I know my topics are usually inappropriate or not interesting.

I find this happens a lot with my husbands coworkers.  We will be in a situation where I am ‘forced’ to converse and I bring up things like Credit Limits, or how I got alcohol poisoning on Jason’s 21st Birthday Weekend.

I feel awkward in 99% of clothes (the 1% being my PJs).  This summer My husband and I went to the beach, and I didn’t even get in the water because I was so self conscious about how I looked in my bathing suit.  I know that made him sad.  I know all he wanted was for me to be at ease and comfortable in one of his favorite places, but I couldn’t make myself.

I am 100% content being a shut in and watching TV or Movies and living vicariously through the other people in my life who are off gallivanting the world doing amazing, beautiful, amazing things.  I’m comfortable at home singing along to Sara Bareilles while thinking up story lines, and writing in my journals, this blog, or just on scrap paper.  The deck in my backyard is my largest venture out that I can still feel at ease in.

There are times where the anxiety builds so much, I come across as a selfish bitch that turns to her husband and says “I need to leave.”  I get the sweats, and shakes, and a headache.  Yesterday, at my Dad’s birthday dinner, I had chest pains through the majority of the outing because of the closeness of our group at the small table.  I was against the wall, and the screaming child behind me through 80% of the meal just became almost too much.

I can be okay, I can be safe, I can be in control in my house.

But I’m really not.  It’s obvious I am not.  This is why there are so many things we want to do, but we don’t.  I want to go to Africa next summer for a missions trip, and while now, with it millions of days away, I am at ease with the choice to go, I am thinking of the months leading up to it, and how flying across the Atlantic Ocean – Alone – will be terrifying.  How the irrational fears jump up inside me and that voice in my head – The one that sounds like Morgan Freeman (Because he narrates my life, even the bad parts) – says “Don’t do it.  You know better.  You leave these walls, you leave your shelter.”

So what do I do?

Do I go back to my doctor, and tell her the crazy pills she put me on aren’t working – in fact they have made me worse to the point of where I have stopped taking them completely, and now the paranoia, depression, and anxiety is crushing?

Do I just run more? and harder?

Do I wallow?

Jason wants me to go back to the doctor.  I think he is right, but at the same time taking those meds is like putting in ear plugs at a concert.  You can still hear the music, but it’s muffled  and the moment isn’t the same.  I don’t want to lose bits and pieces of myself because of this condition.

I barely slept last night – like I can tell you exactly every time I looked at the clock and I saw every hour of my sleepless night shown in red glowing numbers.  I barely slept knowing I would write this post, and all the people from my past that still read this blog to snicker, or write hateful, hurtful comments (which is why I approve every comment now, because I was deleting upwards of 10-15 a day from people.. I know who they are because they have IP addresses that give their secrets away), or those who tell other people in their lives how horrible I am, and then it gets back to my husband.

He is the real victim in this.  He wasn’t made privy to my carelessness for my own existence.  He wasn’t given the full scope of what he was legally binding himself to.  He says he doesn’t care, and that he loves me anyway, but I can see the draining tiredness in his eyes when I say – for the millionth time – I’m just sad.

So I am trying something new, today, in fact.

photoI love this shirt I am wearing.  It’s a great color, comfortable fabric, looks good with jeans or dress pants (and most likely a skirt too, but I’m covered in mosquito bites, so until tights can be worn, I’ll never know).  I think it fits me well, and judging by this forced smile in my picture, I like how I look in it.

I ran 10 miles on Friday.  10 miles.  Depending on who is reading this, 10 miles might be a warm up for you, or something you never think you will accomplish.  But I did it anyways.

I’m in my last semester before my internship starts in the Spring.  As long as I pass the Praxis II in October – I will be venturing into a new career – which is both terrifying and amazing at the same time.

Today is my Dad’s 61st Birthday.  He is truly a rock on which I lean a lot.  I need to remember his strength and faith when I forget my own.

I am loved, even if only by few, those people count – and in talent, personality, and character they outweigh the negative people that are no longer in my life.

It’s a process, one I am trying to get the hang of.

xox

Workout Recap August 11 – August 18 & Monday


Whoa what a week!

August 11 – Day we got back from vacation – 3 Miles on the treadmill. Gotta start the detox from everything I ate in Chincoteague – which was seriously the whole island. For a place that is like the size of my neighborhood, there arr 5 places to get dessert – aside from the Restaurants that also serve dessert. I was doomed from the beginning.

August 12 – Jillian Michaels DVD – 30 minutes – I hate this woman. I really do. I am not sure what happened as I used to be able to get through one of her DVDs without wanting to kill myself and now I am like “LET ME DIE ALONE” around the 15 minute mark.

August 13 – 4 Mile Run – Upping my mileage again. I need to. I noticed that the first half I ran I was running like 30 miles a week or so, and I was really prepared for that race. So… I should do the same thing training for my 4th, right?

August 14 – REST DAY. I put away laundry, cleaned out my closet, and got all the clothes I don’t wear/don’t fit (only the ones that are too big) and bagged them for selling or donation. So really, I exercised, just not in the normal sense. It’s also nice to have a really organized closet.

August 15 – 4 Mile Run – It felt good to do this again, for the second time this week. I got in the habit of being all like “3 miles is enough!” and it’s not when I am trying to train for a half. I mean if I just wanted to finish the race, it would be, but the fact is, I would like to at least do as good as I have done in the past.

August 16 – 7 Mile Run – LONG RUN OF THE WEEK. Longest I have run since my half in March. I decided to do this today instead of on Saturday because we have a lot going on Saturday and a shorter ‘recovery run’ was more plausible.

August 17 – Rest Day! I was going to run today but got lazy.

August 18 – 4 mile run – I felt great and strong through the run!

  • Mileage Total – 22 Miles
  • Calorie Burn – 3079

I’m getting the running bug back, and it couldn’t have come at a better time… since barely any pants I own (Except jeans) seem to fit.  I’m talking stomach spilling over muffin top not fitting or even the dreaded I can’t even zip you up while lying down and sucking in feeling.

This morning was a moment of where tears were shed in my closet, as I can’t believe just a year ago I was at my lowest adult weight and I had a few pounds to go before my NEW CLOTHES THAT I HAD JUST PURCHASED would fit beautifully.

So this morning I went on Like Twice and bought some second hand dress pants so at least I will have work clothes.  *sigh* Money I don’t have, being spent on things I shouldn’t need.

Needless to say I realize that upping my game is no longer just a simple “Yeah I should do this” but a “YEAH I NEED TO DO THIS.”

So all the running that occurred last week will continue, plus I am being diligent with my tracking, and actually caring what I put in my body.  (Water, anyone?)

Look for a couple new recipes this week as I am trying my hand at new foods to keep things fun, and they are all healthier than I would have imagined.

In other news that Armani jacket I bought from Like Twice came in the mail, and I promptly tried it on and asked for opinions:

All of you said keep it.

It will be a cute jacket for fall when the weather is cooler, but not cold.  I’m sure I can wear it with my jeans and boots, and better top than I have in this picture.  Plus the back shot, well, I’ll always have a big butt, I know this.

Happy Monday All!!

Give It To Me:

  • Running Goals this week?  I’m aiming for like 25 miles total.
  • Can someone tell me how to be more positive?
  • Does anyone have bigger dress pants they want to give me because I’m thinking I need to sell my kidney so I have clothes that fit? (Kidding, kind of.)

Newsworthy:

Tuesday Things, Tings, Tongs, Tries (Bachelorette Recap)


I felt defeated this morning when I peaked at the scale.  Lordy lou.  I know what I did to get me here.  It involved cake, pasta, cupcakes, pizza, beer, soda, etc.  Today I detox.

Okay not really.  I don’t do cleanses or detoxes, but I am chugging water like it’s my job and lot in life.

I worked out yesterday but it wasn’t a run so I’ll be hitting the 5k today!  Thinking I might do some speed work to get some endurance, and those workouts always seem to go by faster than normal runs so we’ll see!

The Bachelorette

Holy Moly.  Stop Reading if you haven’t watched and don’t want to be spoiled.

So we start off this episode KNOWING something (possibly) HORRIBLE (or just pathetic) is going to happen.  Des is seen crying and Brooks says “This is the worst day of my life” and Drew and Chris look forlorn (not sure if this is related to Des crying or Brooks being melodramatic – BUT WE’LL FIND OUT OVER THE NEXT 2 HOURS!)

So it’s the overnight dates… YAY.

First up is Drew – aka Ken Doll.  Seriously this guys hair is cemented to his head.   Said best by my favorite contemporary author Jennifer Weiner:

“Drew looks like a Ken doll, complete with plastic hair. And possibly a smooth empty spot where his genitals should be. #TheBachelorette

Oh she slays me.  Anywhoodle..

So Date one is Drew.  He is like “I need to pull over so I can kiss you again” and Des is all like “That’s sweet.”  She can’tell by his mouth that he loves her.”  I’m like really?  Are we just not trying?  Well they are supposed to have dinner on the beach and then it rains – figures – and so they have dinner or something in the Fantasy Suite.

Cut to them on the bed and them kissing and then Drew saying “Okay guys, time to leave.”  Des gives a faint look of “Um please stay?” and then the cameras are gone.  I am worried for Des at this point because the pretty boys are always the crazy ones.  Last thing we hear ‘Oh it’s hot in here’ from Des, most likely her sly way of saying “No I don’t want you to touch me, because body heat makes this humidity of being in AntigAH (because that’s how she pronounces it) worse.’

The next morning I am relieved to see she is alive, and her bones haven’t been made into windchimes by Drew because she is waiting in bell bottom pants, a bikini top and some fringe type vest for Chris to come rolling up in a Jeep.

We can expect more bad poetry I am sure.

They take a helicopter ride to look at the island.  They are “on Top of the world!’ and the water is so “blue!” Obviously all their good imagery was used in the first like 7 weeks.

(Does anyone else miss Tiera’s Eyebrow right now?)

Des continues to say things like “We do have a connection.  We do have a spark” and we all watch as she tries to convince herself that she could be happy with someone who’s dad would constantly be realigning her back and then after marriage – other parts. *cringe*

Then Before the Fantasy Suite, He reads her a journal entry with odd pauses and calls it poetry.  (If ANYONE has a transcription of this, I would love it for my wall at home, or for an example of what poetry is not, when I am a High School teacher, as it is hard to negate something that is so boundless, but Chris, he does it beautifully.)

Whilst this is going on, Brooks has gone to Boise (random) to meet with his family and talk through his feelings.  He is unsure about Des, he is not comfortable in proposing, he isn’t in love with her after 8 weeks, and he is going to break up with her.

uh oh.

I mean Des has been saying for the past 4 weeks that she loves him (well, she has been saying this to us and Chris Harrison, but not to Brooks) and no one has commented.  I mean seriously guys.  NO ONE ON THE BLOGOSPHERE EXCEPT FOR JEZEBEL HAS COMMENTED ON THIS.

So he then meets with Chris Harrison to tell him he is leaving the show.

Chris is like “Well you know what you have to do.  Man up.” (Paraphrased, but that’s the gist).

So Brooks goes to meet Des for their date, and Des shows up looking all happy until she hugs Brooks and he doesn’t kiss her (that was his only good move.).

A bunch of mumblings and her realizing what is happening, he says that he isn’t in love with her.  They sit under the thatched roof of the hut of Broken Hearts as Des finally turns to him and says “I love you.  I miss you everyday.”  And he’s like “Wait.  WHAT?”

As they walk away – because you know now he has to leave – she says ‘You know why I was so conflicted, because it’s been you.  You are who I loved and dating these other guys when it was you I wanted to be with.” (or something like that.)

She finally walks away from him back to the Hut of Broken Hearts, to sob for the remainder of the episode, and Brooks stands under a palm tree questioning everything he just did.  He’s crying.  He doesn’t understand why this was so hard.  He doesn’t understand why his hair gel isn’t working.  He is mad that he is wearing seersucker shorts, and realizes that kind of makes him a douche in and of itself. And then he leaves in a limo from the gated community known as Dumpsville – Population Des.  A lot of guys have left this season.. I mean seriously.  She sent home that cheater, the guy who wanted the fantasy suite on night 1, Bryden who had no emotion or moves, and now Brooks?  Is Des that unlovable?  I mean whats wrong with her?

This took two hours people.

Next week the CRAZY CONTINUATION OF THE BACHELORETTE previewed us with Des telling Chris that she can’t love the other two guys the way that she loves Brooks, and that it’s not fair to them, and that to her “it’s over.”

I am not sure how I feel about this.  But I can tell you, the fact I have to wait till Monday, is driving me batty.