So I Joined Meetings


I changed my account to Monthly Pass yesterday, and will be going to my first meeting tonight.  I’m nervous as a hooker in church, but I’ll get through it.

I’m leaving work at around 3 to get home and get my run over with so I can be at the center by 5.  I’m thinking this will hold me more accountable than just online has.  I think the idea of going each week will keep me on track.

Just have to get in the door.

Menu:

  • Breakfast: 3 eggs, zucchini, bell pepper, onion; coffee w/ milk
  • Snack: water
  • Lunch: Chipotle – lettuce, veggies, medium salsa, corn salsa, barbacoa, cheese
  • Snack: more water for my run
  • Dinner: Pork tenderloin with zucchini pasta

Activity: 3 miles this afternoon.  I should have done it this morning, but sleep was needed.

I’m missing Moody something fierce right now.  I keep thinking his little 11 pound body will be next to my bed.  I keep thinking that I have to mix his food.  I keep thinking I have to get his shot ready.  I keep thinking he’ll be asleep next to me on the couch.  I miss his presence.  I miss his fur.  I hate that I know I won’t ever hold him again.

Moody and Jason

Moody and Jason

Breaks my heart.

I’m hoping that this new turn I am taking in my life will be exactly what I need.  I hate waiting, even though I think I am being really patient.  I’m fighting really hard, I’m trying to be strong.  I’m trying to see the progress, no matter how small.

I’m really trying.  In running and mental stability and weight loss, really trying.

How Grey’s Anatomy Put Me In My Place


exactly

One of the main things that people who have bipolar disorder have to deal with, aside from the actual symptoms, is getting their medicine regime right.  I’ve been working with a doctor since August 2013 and we are still tweaking things.  I am told it can take up to 2 years (or possibly more) depending on the level of bipolar disorder that the patient has.  I got a bit anxious and annoyed with the process and decided that I needed to seek another opinion.

I went to another doctor (well, Nurse Practitioner – if someone can explain the difference, that would be swell) yesterday and while she was easy to get along with, I felt that it still, after much deliberation, that she was not a good fit either.  She was too laid back.  She said that “We can try whatever you want” which at first sounded great.  But then she was like “If you hear of a drug on the internet you think might work, we’ll try it out.” Um.  Wait.  So you are going to let me experiment on myself.  You are the person who is went to medical school to learn these things.

While some might not see this as a big deal, it was a red flag to me.  I also realize that I am currently in a pretty fragile state when it comes to accepting my disorder, and accepting the fact that medicine will be in my life forever.

I was feeling all types of pity for myself, and then I was watching a rerun of Grey’s Anatomy last night.  It was one where the narrator was stating that we all have had days where we think it’s the worst.  We spilled our coffee, we were late to work, we had to work through lunch, etc.  But then, when something actually horrible happens, when a tragedy strikes (in the case of this episode it was three kids losing their parents and their grandmother in an accident) you wish for those little issues.  You begin praying for your situation to be anything else than what it is.

It made me sit back and think for a moment.  I know.  Meredith Grey made me think.  While this is extremely hard, painful, and feels impossible at times, I will get through it.  It is nothing in the grand scheme of the world.  I am lucky enough to have health insurance to cover these issues that I have.  I am lucky enough to have a supportive husband.  I am lucky enough to have a flexible job that when I can’t leave the house, I don’t have to.

My problems, although are still important, are my problems.  The storm I am weathering will pass.

Quotes, Life Quotes, Love Quotes, Best Life Quote , Quotes about Moving On, Inspirational Quotes and more -> Curiano Quotes Life

I know I am pushing the limits, but I have to.

 

Another Post About Starting Over


Here is my broken record…

I’ve hit rock bottom.  I didn’t think it could go much farther below hitting the scary number on the scale that I swore I would never get back to.  But, here we are.

Weight loss humor

I’m passed the scary number.  The majority of my clothes don’t fit anymore.  I feel like a hippo.  I am being uber negative about everything.

One of our dogs, Schnoozie, ate something bad yesterday and  as a result had to be at the vet all day.  Last night, our other dog, Moody, continued to get sick.  So I was up and down with him all night, and now, I am sure that we need to prepare ourselves for the worst.

It’s been a shitty year so far, and we are only half way through it.  I know that God only gives us what we can handle and then he carries the rest, but I really feel like I am being pulled through the wringer.

I know I shouldn’t complain.  We went to Italy, I have done really well in school, we are both healthy, we have a roof over our heads, food in our fridge, and jobs.  I feel like crap for complaining, but my pain is my pain.

This Bipolar Disorder isn’t helping.  My meds still aren’t straight, I keep going for low to numb.  I haven’t hit Mania in a while, and really, I miss her.  I miss the positive, bubbly, energetic me.  I can’t have her though,  she makes horrible decisions.

So here I am.  Starting over.  I had a good day yesterday food wise, and I’ve tracked today already as well.  I know it’s a start.  I just feel like a failure.

I am trying to let go of some of the anxiety in my life because it’s causing me to overeat and being irritable, but as my therapist says, it’s your brain chemistry that is attacking you, not you.

I wish I could believe her.

Bipolar disorder

 

 

MRAs & #YesAllWomen


I am unsure how to broach the topic with an introduction, so I will simply jump right in.

My name is Bethany Burroughs and I was raped on March 21 2005 by the guy I was dating at the time.

Why I am Mad:

Men’s Rights Activists or MRAs.  If you would like a funny take on the facts we have go here.

In response to the Hash tag “YesAllWomen” I was met with some shocking responses.

I tweeted #YesAllWomen Because I shouldn’t be told I could have done more to stop my rapist.

I was met with responses like “Not all men are like that!”  “Not all women have been victimized!”  “You’re dividing the genders!”  “You’re ignoring crimes against men!”

Um, what?

I should feel bad about breaking my silence about my rape because I am not taking into the crimes against men?  I should feel bad because this hash tag has given a voice to women who have otherwise remained silent?

I was told I couldn’t change anyone’s mind on twitter.  That was not my intent or the intent for many of us.  Our intent was to empower ourselves and break down the walls we’ve built to hide our pain and anger.

At least that is how I was seeing it and how I was using it.

I know I talk a lot about myself on my blog (it makes sense) but there are some things I don’t divulge.  The details of my rape is part of that.  Mainly because I have done such a great job of blocking them from my memory that to begin to write them out here would be incredibly traumatizing.

I am not yet ready to open that box.  I am however ready to state that I am not a victim or a survivor.  I am a human.  It happened.  It doesn’t define me, and in fact, I am the only one who defines my rapist as such.

I was raped.  It was horrific.

What is more horrific is having my moment of being honest with myself and showing others that have gone through similar things that they are not alone (I received over 40 direct messages from girls ranging 14 to 38 thanking me for being so open in a public setting, and for fighting back against the assholes that were trying to beat me down – most of wish were 16-18 year old boys, so take that for what it’s worth).

1 in 6 women will be victims of sexual assault and that is too much because the number is not zero.

1 2

 

Hard to read, I know.. but this is what I got as some of the more tame responses.

Do I think all Men’s Rights Activists are horrible people?  Not at all.  Do I think the ones who are yelling the loudest are idiots?  Yes, most of them.  I’ve never been so offended and angered in my life since the whole “Legitimate Rape” scandal occurred.

The fact is:

  • I’m scared to run in my neighborhood because I was jumped by two guys trying to get my phone
  • I’m scared to go out alone anywhere (even therapy) because I am terrified someone will follow me
  • When I am running outside I will continuous cross streets if there is anyone else on the side I am on
  • I can’t trust people
  • I can’t sleep most nights and when I do I have nightmares

But what it should be:

  • I shouldn’t be afraid to run in my neighborhood
  • I shouldn’t be afraid to go places
  • I shouldn’t feel the need to avoid all people
  • I shouldn’t have a fear of everyone hurting me
  • I should be able to sleep
  • I should not see the worst in everyone
  • I shouldn’t be victimized again for feeling this way.

Comment if you want.

Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 7


  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 193.0
  • Week Difference: +1.6
  • Total Difference: +2.0
  • Emotion: Over it

I just, I can’t.  I can’t keep doing this.  I can’t keep letting myself down.  It has no explanation or excuse except I didn’t do it.  This isn’t because my body holds on to weight, or that I am bloated, or that it’s muscle over fat.

It’s that I just didn’t do it.

The scale number has come and gone, and I am just irking up closer to my weight when I started this whole thing 6 years ago.

I never really cared enough in high school to try and lose weight.  I figured that it wouldn’t happen because I wasn’t born that way, I wasn’t athletic, and well sitting in a parking lot eating taco bell and doing other destructive things to my body isn’t conducive to weight loss.

So what’s the plan?

I don’t have one.

The Before and After Weight loss Photos or Pictures by xyngitoff weight loss by vi vi90daychallengeI have no excuse.  “I can’t do it” is not true.  I can, and have before.  I am 20 pounds (TWENTY) pounds heavier than my lowest adult weight.  That was May 25, 2012.

I look back at that and think “GOD I WAS SO FAT”.

It’s depressing.

June 2012 – Not fat

I can’t fit into those pants now.  That shirt barely stays down because my stomach makes it roll up.

I would never wear something sleeveless now.

March 2012 – Not fat

April 2014 – May be not fat, but sure as heck not happy, not where I want to be

I think it’s a weird balance to strike.  I think that we will always seek improvement of ourselves, which is fine, but there needs to be a point of contentment or at least acceptance.

It’s no shocker that I am in therapy, and something she said last night was a real ‘A-ha’ moment, that I have to say people have told me before, but not as bluntly.

“You think you are the Queen of F***** Up.  Well I have news for you.  I’ve seen A LOT worse.  You aren’t even in the top 50%.  In comparison, you are not even bad.  You just think you are because you do nothing but compare yourself.  You compare yourself to the coworkers you have, the woman you see on the street, Kate Middleton, etc.  But what you don’t realize is NONE OF THEM are 100% happy.  If they say they are 100% happy with themselves and every aspect of their lives all the time, they are lying.  We all have insecurities, and we all have low points.  So yes, you might have more than some people, but you are still here.  You can change, but first you need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself and grow a pair.”

Harsh? May be.  What I needed?  I think so.

So on to another week.

 

 

Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 5 – Is It Failure?


  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 192.2
  • Week Difference: +0.8
  • Total Difference: +1.2
  • Emotion: So what happened was…

It’s not failure if you continue to try, but, what if you stop trying?

I ran 19.3 miles last week including my 10 mile race.  I was eating everything I wanted.  I figured that my running would cancel it all out – like I always do.  I drank some extra water, ate some more fruit, and then made too many trips to the cafe, too many excuses that I could eat more than the serving size, and only tracked what I felt comfortable tracking.

We went to the brewery this weekend, and while I composed myself and didn’t drink to excess, I could have only gone one day.  I could have taken better care of myself.  I could have.  I would have.  I should have.

Could’a, Would’a, Should’a.  But didn’t.

I look at all the women and men who are successful and I wonder what is different with me.  It’s not my metabolism, it’s not the exercise.  It’s the motivation.

It’s the belief that I am worth it enough to not let food control me.  To not turn to food or drinks to silence the demons in my head.

Being bipolar shouldn’t matter with regards to my weight loss, but it does.  While I am working with a doctor to get my meds straight and on the right levels, I am self medicating for what they aren’t doing.  I’m restless, and bored, so I eat.  I find a new recipe so I bake, and then of course I have to try it, which then turns into half of whatever I made.  I like trying new beers – something I never really liked (I used to hate beer) because my husband and dad like doing it, and it was a way to enjoy time with them.  Kind of like Baseball – never was a fan, until I saw my dad was.

I am not blaming anyone for my actions in any regard.  I now enjoy baseball (A lot) and I enjoy beer (too much).

Jason mentioned yesterday that he felt this was getting out of hand – mostly for the money aspect – it ain’t cheap.  I agreed.

My world seems to teeter on the edge of being completely out of control, and being  completely numb.  Being diagnosed Bipolar was not a shock to me, but at the same time, it never felt real.  I look back at high school with every stupid thing I did as a way to stop the pain.

Now, that I am not part of that lifestyle anymore, I’ve been using food.  I did so well, losing 40 pounds and being in the best shape of my life a few years ago.  Somehow without realizing what was happening, it started to come back.  I’m up 20 pounds from where I was 2 years ago, and that is so sad.  I can’t believe I thought I was fat then.  I look at those pictures and think “Man.  I was freaking hot.”

So now what?

I’m not sure.  I could say I’m going to be better this week, and I will make the effort.  I could say “I’m not sure.”  Or I could do nothing and let my actions speak for themselves.

 

Breaking Point


I’m not sure how I got this out of control.  I am not sure why I allow myself to continue to treat my body like a moving dumpster (Thanks The Oatmeal for the perfect visual).  I just don’t get how I can hate the way I look and feel so much, but still can’t turn around and do something about it.  I look at Jason and think ‘He can stop eating… hwy can’t I?’  Emotional issues, boredom issues, and the feeling of never being good enough to treat myself better, are the starting points.

How I always see myself (Heaviest Weight 221 pounds)

How I always see myself (Heaviest Weight 221 pounds)

221 pounds at Disney World

221 pounds at Disney World

Lowest Adult Weight - 172.3 Pounds (San Francisco, CA 2011)

Lowest Adult Weight – 172.3 Pounds (San Francisco, CA 2011)

Feb 9, 2014 : 180's-190's

Feb 9, 2014 : 180’s-190’s

That took a lot to type that.  I actually am sweating.  Putting my weight out there for anyone and everyone to see.  I’ve said it a hundred times.  I’ll say it 100 more.  I’m not giving up.  I’m not going to ever be that weight again.  I weighed in this morning, and reset my weight tracking day to Tuesday.  I’ve changed my macros on Myfitnesspal so that I can focus on the types of calories I am putting in my body and not just the number.

I’m doing 4 miles this afternoon and an arm circuit.  I am so lost without a plan and without any idea of what I am doing anymore.

I’ve hit my breaking point.  I’ve hit the moment where I can’t take the person that I’ve become.  I need to be held accountable.

Meals

  • Breakfast: 4 pieces of bacon, 2 eggs, coffee & half and half
  • Snack: Banana
  • Lunch: Big Salad: broccoli slaw, onion, carrots, mushrooms, feta, white balsamic; Taboule; Yogurt, Diet Coke
  • Snack: Apple & Shakeology mix
  • Quinoa, beef, and Egg mash

I’m going to win this fight.

 

 

 

So You Want to Play With Magic?


I’m on Day 3 of Wheat Free, and I have to say I am pretty much loving how I’m feeling.  Not hungry, more energy, no headaches, etc.  It’s a wonder.

I’m working on a post explaining a lot of my choices with this, and lots of sources on the subject.  If for nothing else, I am so far doing well.  I am liking the current state with myself, but like I’ve said before, it’s not for everyone, and I would never push a diet on here that I think everyone should do.  Find what works for you and do it.

FYI I’m still eating carbs, just not of the bread variety.

I’m obsessed with that Katy Perry song by the way, I’ve downloaded it for my running playlist and am not ashamed to say I’ve listened to it on repeat pretty much for the past 4 days.  I know that I sound nothing like her, so I apologize if you are caught with me in a small space when it comes on the radio, because you are in for torture.

Be My Friend.

Be My Friend.

So it’s Wednesday and I suck at taking pictures of my food.  So here is one picture of what I am eating today:

Clementines (0P+)

Clementines (0P+)

Yep.  that’s it.

Menu:

  • Breakfast: 2 Eggs, 3 strips of bacon, coffee with Half n’ Half
  • Snack: SO MANY CLEMENTINES
  • Lunch: Mixed Green Salad with: Cucumber, Zucchini, baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, feta, chicken strips, and balsamic vinaigrette.  Yogurt, Diet Coke
  • Snack: Apple
  • During Class Snack: Quest Nutrition Chocolate Brownie Protein Bar (Gluten Free!)
  • Dinner: Bacon Wrapped Chicken Breast with Parmesan Asparagus

No activity today because there is no time for a lunch time workout with all the meetings I have, and I’ll be in class till 7, not getting home till close to 8.

It’s okay.  I ran yesterday!

We got snow again last night, which meant that no one had school, and no one was driving normally, and everyone acted like it was the end of the world and all humanity.

If my hockey puck of a car can make it through, you have no excuse.  Unless of course you ride a bicycle, unicycle, rickshaw, or swim to work.

I’m noticing that my running is getting harder and harder.  At first I was like “My legs are obviously possessed and no longer wish to abide by their owner” but then I thought – Is it my shoes?  Nope, couldn’t be.  I’ve had these babies not even six months, and I don’t run more than like 20 miles a week, so there is no way I’ve worn them out – and I have two pairs which I interchange frequently.  So, could it be my alien parasite that I was talking about on Twitter earlier?

Untitled

 

and then I made, what I was told, is an insensitive comment

Untitled1I can see both sides.

Or maybe it is the fact I am running on a treadmill?  I’m not sure.  I do know, however, my long run of 7 miles will be outside this Saturday because apparently it’s going to be in the 50’s?  I mean, Weather… come on.

Don’t tease me so.

Well, that’s all I got.

If you hate my Bachelor Recaps and want a better one each week go to: http://www.ashleyjonesy.com/

 

The Bachelor – Week 2 – Recap


Yeah this horribly late.

This was just… well… weird.

We had Single Date #1 with Clare Crawley, where he took her to a winter wonderland in LA.  Yeah there was snow, they were sledding, and then of course there was a hot tub.  Duh.

Juan Pablo and Clare Crawley Hold Hands in The Bachelor Season 18, Week 2

He blindfolded her while he drove to the date.  She was all like “Where are we going???” just like you would be, right?  I’d be like “Dude.  No.  I read 50 Shades.  I don’t do this.  Red Room of Pain?  Not my Bag.” And he’d be all like “Como?”

They showed up and she was all like “OMG” and he just giggled.  It was very innocent.

But, as these things go, it didn’t take long before his shirt was off, and they were in the hot tub and she was crying about her life.  Her father passed (Which is sad, I’m not heartless) and he sat with complete attention on her while she cried and talked about it.  At least she is a pretty crier.

Then of course they made out.

The music started playing and some guy name Josh Krajcik – WHO OF COURSE THEY BOTH KNEW AND WERE BIG FANS OF – was in a corner of the wonderland and they started slow dancing in their bathing suits in the snow.

“This is a fairy tale” was uttered more than once, and barf.

She of course, got the rose.

Single Date #2 with Kat – You know what I love doing on a first date?  Running.  I love being getting to know someone when I am sweating profusely, cursing at my legs, and constantly heaving.  That’s totally my bag.  Unlike 50 Shades.

Kat Hurd and Juan Pablo After the Electric Run in The Bachelor Season 18, Week 2

He flew Kat to Utah to do the Electric Run.  Like ABC couldn’t have had one happen in LA at the same time.  NOPE, gotta use that private jet that they JUST HAD TO HAVE.  So they ran the 5k – which took all of like 6 minutes (World Record guys) – and then there was a big party afterward, because that’s what you get at the end of a Bachelor race.  At the end of my half marathons I get watered down Gatorade, and Michelob Ultra to BUY, and  possibly half a stale bagel, but these people, they get a damn party.

Nothing but the best for our Juan.

Despite the public nature of their date, they ended up dancing like two 14 year old’s at a high school dance without much supervision, and then making out like bandits.  She, of course, got the rose.

The (dreaded) group date:  So I’m all for charity that has to do with Dogs.  ALL FOR IT.  These girls had to dress up and pose for a calendar that would benefit the Best Friends Animal Rescue – which is working to rid the world of kill shelters (MY KIND OF PEOPLE), and all the dogs in the calendar are up for adoption (I’ll take all 12+, please).  So the girls ranged from Being airbrushed with paint to look like their dogs, to wearing bikinis, to dressing up like a fire hydrant, to being completely naked.  Yes, naked.

Christy Hansen, Lauren Solomon, Kelly Travis, and Elise Mosca in Costume in The Bachelor Season 18, Week 2

OMG, guys.

Best line from a blog I found “By the way, Lucy “Free Spirit” Aragon offered to trade outfits with Elise, thereby robbing her of a chance to see Juan Pablo’s man parts. This is what happens when you refuse to appear naked on national television, girl.” (Source of line and all pictures)

Kelly – the dog lover – got the rose on this date (She is the one airbrushed to look like a brown and white spotted creature).

Now here comes the real DRAMZ.

So Victoria – a 24(?) year old wanna be stepmom to Juan Pablo’s 5 year old decided at the end of the group date where they are all chilling and drinking in dresses or bathing suits (because duh there is a pool and hot tub everywhere you go on this adventure with Juan), to get BLITZED.  That’s what I would do, frankly, because Open Bar.

Because she didn’t get to spend one on one time with him – yet – she decided there was no point to be normal ever again, and she started strutting around like a crazy person and then decided to say she was leaving.  She threw on her cover up and that was that.  She started assaulting the Producers and screaming “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE” no that’s not right… “I WANNA GO HOME” and then locked herself in a bathroom stall, where one of the resident mothers decided to try and take care of her, where everyone else was like “Hah no.  What if he comes looking for me?”

So Juany-Poo tried to go and talk to her, and she was like ‘SOB SOB SOB’ so he left.  The next morning he came to talk to her, she apologized, and then he said “Yeah, you need to go” (Not an exact quote).

At the rose ceremony he also kicked off Amy Long and Chantel Forrest (WHO WAS JUST SHOCKED) – girl you had like 5 seconds on camera.

I can’t wait to see what happens tonight on The Bachelor! (8:00 pm ET/PT on ABC)

It Feels Like Somewhere Else


Yesterday it rained and drizzled all day, and into the night.  We woke up this morning (well 10 am) to pouring rain and gray skies.  I for one, do not mind this weather at all.  I would love to stay in bed and do nothing today, but because we only get two precious days of the weekend, we decided to make the most of it today.

We were planning on going to a museum in DC, but with the weather, and the fact that I am being a lazy bum, I think we will opt for a less active excursion.  I ran 4 miles yesterday and I am planning on 6-7 miles tomorrow, so today falling as a rest day was perfect planning on my part.  I am slightly unmotivated to do much today on account of the weather, but I really should be studying for my Praxis exam coming up next month.  I should also be trying to not worry and be concerned with my work meeting next week, because frankly it will go as it goes.

I am having a hard time right now with a lot of things that came to light over the past 72 hours.  I’m very worried about one thing, that came as a shock, and a complete curve ball.  I wonder if God truly gives us more than we can handle, and he takes what ever we can’t carry, when is he going to pick up the abundance of crap from this person? It’s not fair in the slightest.  Of all the people in the world.  Really.

Another thing has left me feeling scarred.  I am feeling my relationship with this person fading and I don’t want it to.  Not in the most minor part.  We have been through so much together for so long, the idea of it ending makes me sick.  I am not sure if it affecting this person as it is affecting me, and we all deal with our own things the way we can.  I am not sure the current, unchangeable situation is beneficial for our relationship, but like I said it’s unchangeable.  I am always worried for the wellbeing of this person because I’m a friend.  This is what I do.  I worry about everyone in my life.  It’s part of my personality.  It’s not something I can turn off, and when I hear that anyone in my world is upset a lot, scared, and frustrated, it’s only natural for me to go into warp speed worrying.  May be it’s not always as bad as I think, but never hearing the good sides of life has left me in the dark to the other half of their life.  May be it’s not always conveyed as it should, but this is how I am, and it’s how I will always be.  This is me throwing it out to God to give both of us, all of us, comfort.  We are doing the best we can.

I’m drinking Chocolate milk, because it was the only thing that didn’t make me feel nauseated.  I’m really trying to do well, folks.  I am.  It’s just becoming harder, everyday, as opposed to being easier.  It’s like running up a hill thinking you are at the top, to only see another hill and then a drop off.  I’m teetering at this point.

I hope you all are having a lovely Saturday where you are.  I might convince Jason to take me shopping, where I will buy nothing, but marvel at least it will get me out of the house.

xoxoxoxox