Last night with the amounting stress of not being able to get the New iPhone 5s, my husband and I were forced to drive home from Tysons Corner Mall empty handed. For whatever asinine reason this kind of set me off. I’m not saying that I am actually stressed about this, but it was a glimmer of something to look forward to this afternoon and it didn’t happen.
We were sitting on the couch watching the new SVU episodes, and I just turned to Jason and said “I feel like I have no control.”
That is what it has felt like. It is as if everything I am doing is for nothing. All the studying, the preparing, the running, the attempt at eating healthy, everything. It’s getting me nowhere.
He simply said to me “But you do have control. That is all you have.”
He was, and usually is, right.
I have to accept things as they are if I ever plan on moving forward. I have to accept what will happen if I don’t pass this exam, and I have to be okay with it. So this is what will happen in list form if I don’t pass:
- I can’t start my student teaching until Fall 2014
- I will have to remain at this job until late August of 2014
- I will be able to take classes next semester towards my Masters – they will just be electives
- I will be able to save more money up in order to help when I do leave my current position
- I will have more time to adequately prepare for my exam which I can then take again in December 2013
That list isn’t so scary, right? I mean, yes, I had plans to quit. I had plans of being employed in my new career in fall of 2014. I HAD PLANS. But that’s the problem. They were my plans.
I spent a good portion of last night praying after Jason had fallen asleep and simply asked God if I am working on his timetable. If not, could he please put me on it. I asked for peace with whatever type of path it is, and I asked for comfort in knowing that if this all gets delayed (in my mind, right on time in his) that I will not find myself as a failure. I think that is my biggest problem right now. I am terrified of this somehow making me a loser or a failure if I don’t follow some arbitrary plan I have for myself. It will mean I don’t progress with my current program group, and while that is sad, it’s not the end of the world. I can live vicariously through them, still meet them for drinks, and still hang out, and get there insider info.
I have to accept some other things too:
- I’m never going to get where I want to be with my weight until I accept myself as I am now. It’s difficult, and daunting, but I have to love myself as I am in order to want change. Hating yourself makes this whole eating healthy and working out thing seem like punishment or a chore. It makes everything seem like work, and no one likes work.
- I can not have certain things in the house no matter how much I tell myself at the grocery store, that I can exercise restraint. Nope, I can’t. I can’t have cereal, ice cream, desserts, pretzels, etc. I have to get this through my head.
- I SPEND WAY TOO MUCH MONEY. I need to stop doing this because frankly it’s just stressing me out more, and making things harder on Jason.
- Being Self Deprecating is only cute for a while – then you just become annoying. I have crossed the threshold into annoying, and it happened a long time ago.
There are many more things, I am sure, but right now these are at the top of my list. I am going to work on making these a reality in my life, and only then will I be able to change.