Hello New Zealand!
Can I just say, that if I wasn’t married I would totally try to get on this show just for the travel. I mean seriously. These women get to travel to random locations that they wouldn’t normally go to because they are on this show – FOR FREE. Not fair, I tell ya.
So they are in New Zealand in Taupo where apparently the romance just runs rampant. But there are some twists! Cassandra is missing her son terribly (of course she is, it’s her kid y’all) and she has a heartfelt conversation with the house mom, Renee. If Cassandra isn’t with her son, it seems she just wants to be with Juan Pablo – which I guess is legit, because hey, that is why she is here.
Fake pregnant Clare seems to be unraveling and really, this excites me. I knew she was mentally unstable and a few sticks of butter short of a Paula Dean recipe, but man. She has exceeded my expectations. But seriously, it seems Juan Pablo knows this, and is doing everything in his power to push that to the forefront – most likely because he knows how boring and creepy he can be, and doesn’t want that kind of attention at this point. I mean, you all agree right? Sometimes when his voice kind of dribbles off after a work, all I hear is “Creepy Man you meet in an AOL chatroom”. Just me? Oh, okay.
But seriously, the way he just fornicated with Clare and then blamed her for it last week, was not cool. I don’t care how emotionally unstable a person is, and how crazy in love they act after like 2 days, no one deserves to be blamed for something that two parties entered into willingly. Jerk Pablo.
Andi, who hasn’t had a one on one date yet, gets the “let’s heat things up” card. OOOOO. You know what that means! Clare was crushed, that’s what that means. It would have been a great way for her to
murder him make things right, but now she is worried (of course) that he doesn’t love her and she is going to be out of the land of Juan soon enough.
Back to Andi – so they run off on a speed boat ride, then take a dip in the hot springs (see, that’s where it heats up). Andi is kind of my favorite, because she brought a one piece bathing suit, and we all know my bootylicious body needs to be in jeans and a polo at the beach, because no one is ready for this jelly. So I admire her. It’s still a little racy, being low cut in the front and rising pretty high in the back, so it’s more like a one piece for the girl who couldn’t find a two piece she liked.
Anyways, they make out, duh, and then have dinner and drinks – because I always go by that schedule too. Their conversation is dull and frankly this is when I got up to go find chocolate because I was annoyed.
BUT SHE GETS A ROSE.
best quote: “Everything… is just wet” – Thanks Andi.
Group Date: Opera Singer Sharleen, The one know one likes Chelsie, Momma Renee, Nurse Nikki, Dancer Kat, and Cassandra (who is my current front runner) – Let Love Roll.
Yeah they are in those big rubber inflatable balls. Each woman gets at least one ride with Juany-Poo as that is him being “Fair”. Which I still laugh at when I think of last week. If you are so fair Juany-Poo does that mean you are going to get jiggy with it with everyone else? That is the only way to be fair, after all.
Nikki gets some kisses while trapped in the bouncy ball, that I am sure smells of pee and vomit, because that’s what I would in that situation.
The happy bunch makes their way to Hobbiton – WHICH IS LIKE OMG THE BEST DATE EVER – Sharleen is like a fan girl and exactly how I would act, but Renee gets the first bit of one on one time. Juany- Poo gives her a kiss and then she tells him how her and Cassandra miss their kids. He treats them differently, almost with a hint of respect, and refers to them as his “Special Momma’s” – How sweet.
There are a bunch of really weird kisses and uncomfortable moments, that honestly I closed my eyes for. Ew.
Cassandra thinks she is going to get the rose on the date, but instead it gives it to Shar-Shar because that is what you do to follow up an extremely awkward kiss. You make up for it. He then pulls Cassandra aside and SENDS HER HOME – WHY. WHY.
That’s not even the best part. IT’S HER BIRTHDAY. -100 points for Hufflepuff on that one.
One on One – Crazy Clare
So Juany-Poo remembers he has a kid – I’m sure the producer has to remind him daily, which is why he reminds us daily – and skypes with her before hanging out with Clare. The day begins as it should, with Clare wanting an apology, but instead Juany-Poo takes some responsibility before pinning the whole thing on her. Again. He goes on to say that he wants to be PG around his daughter, and really, I mean, that’s what he has been doing right?
Oh wait. Yeah.
So she keeps her mouth shut, and gets a rose.
The Cocktail Party – Man these people drink a lot.
He talks to Chris Harrison before the party and admits that he thinks he’ll be dropping to one knee at the end of this.
Chris Harrison: To tie your shoe?
(Not an actual conversation, but it should have happened)
So Chelsie and Kat realize they are risk of going home, and I couldn’t care less. There are conversations, and stuff, and Kat talks about her drunk dad, again, and everyone makes out.
Sharleen, Andi, and Clare are all Safe from their date roses. Cassandra is gone (Sads)
Nikki, Renee, and Chelsie all get roses. Wait, what?
Kat = devastated.
Sharleen = guilty because she is still uncertain about all of this (because that’s normal when you have known someone for like a month). I think she will be leaving soon, really.
The Clare/Nikki feud is about to hit the fan. Team Nikki or Clare? Or Team I don’t care?
They are heading to Miami (Ahh Papi!) next week, because Juan Pablo needs to remember what his kid looks like.
The best part of the episode was the sheep poop incident. Juan Pablo states “Whoever steps in the most sheep poops wins” which really sounds better than getting a rose at this point.