How Grey’s Anatomy Put Me In My Place


exactly

One of the main things that people who have bipolar disorder have to deal with, aside from the actual symptoms, is getting their medicine regime right.  I’ve been working with a doctor since August 2013 and we are still tweaking things.  I am told it can take up to 2 years (or possibly more) depending on the level of bipolar disorder that the patient has.  I got a bit anxious and annoyed with the process and decided that I needed to seek another opinion.

I went to another doctor (well, Nurse Practitioner – if someone can explain the difference, that would be swell) yesterday and while she was easy to get along with, I felt that it still, after much deliberation, that she was not a good fit either.  She was too laid back.  She said that “We can try whatever you want” which at first sounded great.  But then she was like “If you hear of a drug on the internet you think might work, we’ll try it out.” Um.  Wait.  So you are going to let me experiment on myself.  You are the person who is went to medical school to learn these things.

While some might not see this as a big deal, it was a red flag to me.  I also realize that I am currently in a pretty fragile state when it comes to accepting my disorder, and accepting the fact that medicine will be in my life forever.

I was feeling all types of pity for myself, and then I was watching a rerun of Grey’s Anatomy last night.  It was one where the narrator was stating that we all have had days where we think it’s the worst.  We spilled our coffee, we were late to work, we had to work through lunch, etc.  But then, when something actually horrible happens, when a tragedy strikes (in the case of this episode it was three kids losing their parents and their grandmother in an accident) you wish for those little issues.  You begin praying for your situation to be anything else than what it is.

It made me sit back and think for a moment.  I know.  Meredith Grey made me think.  While this is extremely hard, painful, and feels impossible at times, I will get through it.  It is nothing in the grand scheme of the world.  I am lucky enough to have health insurance to cover these issues that I have.  I am lucky enough to have a supportive husband.  I am lucky enough to have a flexible job that when I can’t leave the house, I don’t have to.

My problems, although are still important, are my problems.  The storm I am weathering will pass.

Quotes, Life Quotes, Love Quotes, Best Life Quote , Quotes about Moving On, Inspirational Quotes and more -> Curiano Quotes Life

I know I am pushing the limits, but I have to.

 

National Running Day


First Off… I ran outside yesterday in the heat.  It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t amazing either.  After saying that I would run this morning, and then promptly sleeping through it, I decided today would be indoors.

I’m doing 2 miles at lunch and 2 miles after work.

It’s National Running Day and there are a lot of specials going on… If you live in a city that does the Rock N’ Roll Marathon/Half Marathon race go to their website – you can save a lot of money today to sign up for next year’s races.

I, of course, signed up.

It was good.  I had to stop a bunch to catch my breath, cool off, not get dizzy, drink water. I think I need to just start running with a gallon of water.  Even 3 miles in this heat makes me thirsty like a, well thirsty person.

I covered the 3.1 miles and then lazily walked (dragged) myself back to the house where I almost went into shock after getting inside to the air conditioning.  I promptly guzzled more water and let the dogs out.  I sat for a good bit just trying to cool down and then decided on a cold shower.

It was spectacular.

What was not spectacular was this:

I’m the big dummy who didn’t put sunscreen on.  LUCKILY I had Burt’s Beeswax After Sun treatment that I slathered on immediately following my shower, and it seems it healed up most of it pretty quickly.  I don’t really tan after a sunburn so much as the section of burnt skin just kind of becomes discolored. Kind of gross.

Anyways… Yesterday was my first day COMPLETELY 100% BACK ON PLAN.

I tracked everything and I mean everything.  I was down 2.4 pounds this morning from yesterday – which leads me to believe that I am retaining water like whoa.  But I also think it’s because crap food gets stuck in your system (if you catch my drift) and causes many things like weight gain, bloat, gas, indigestion, and annoyance.

It was liberating to run in a tank top.  I know that doesn’t seem like much to people, but it really is to me.  now once my legs don’t clap together when I’m running, I’ll be sure to add shorts to this equation.

Today’s Plan:

  • B: 2 eggs, 2 strips of bacon, (1 slice of banana bread… whoops) Iced coffee with Milk
  • L: BIG SALAD with tons of veggies and chicken, FF dressing, Yogurt, apple, baby carrots, diet coke
  • D: ANOTHER BIG SALAD with grilled chicken, feta, and bacon
  • After Dinner Drinks with cohorts from my program at school

It’s gonna be a good day people

MRAs & #YesAllWomen


I am unsure how to broach the topic with an introduction, so I will simply jump right in.

My name is Bethany Burroughs and I was raped on March 21 2005 by the guy I was dating at the time.

Why I am Mad:

Men’s Rights Activists or MRAs.  If you would like a funny take on the facts we have go here.

In response to the Hash tag “YesAllWomen” I was met with some shocking responses.

I tweeted #YesAllWomen Because I shouldn’t be told I could have done more to stop my rapist.

I was met with responses like “Not all men are like that!”  “Not all women have been victimized!”  “You’re dividing the genders!”  “You’re ignoring crimes against men!”

Um, what?

I should feel bad about breaking my silence about my rape because I am not taking into the crimes against men?  I should feel bad because this hash tag has given a voice to women who have otherwise remained silent?

I was told I couldn’t change anyone’s mind on twitter.  That was not my intent or the intent for many of us.  Our intent was to empower ourselves and break down the walls we’ve built to hide our pain and anger.

At least that is how I was seeing it and how I was using it.

I know I talk a lot about myself on my blog (it makes sense) but there are some things I don’t divulge.  The details of my rape is part of that.  Mainly because I have done such a great job of blocking them from my memory that to begin to write them out here would be incredibly traumatizing.

I am not yet ready to open that box.  I am however ready to state that I am not a victim or a survivor.  I am a human.  It happened.  It doesn’t define me, and in fact, I am the only one who defines my rapist as such.

I was raped.  It was horrific.

What is more horrific is having my moment of being honest with myself and showing others that have gone through similar things that they are not alone (I received over 40 direct messages from girls ranging 14 to 38 thanking me for being so open in a public setting, and for fighting back against the assholes that were trying to beat me down – most of wish were 16-18 year old boys, so take that for what it’s worth).

1 in 6 women will be victims of sexual assault and that is too much because the number is not zero.

1 2

 

Hard to read, I know.. but this is what I got as some of the more tame responses.

Do I think all Men’s Rights Activists are horrible people?  Not at all.  Do I think the ones who are yelling the loudest are idiots?  Yes, most of them.  I’ve never been so offended and angered in my life since the whole “Legitimate Rape” scandal occurred.

The fact is:

  • I’m scared to run in my neighborhood because I was jumped by two guys trying to get my phone
  • I’m scared to go out alone anywhere (even therapy) because I am terrified someone will follow me
  • When I am running outside I will continuous cross streets if there is anyone else on the side I am on
  • I can’t trust people
  • I can’t sleep most nights and when I do I have nightmares

But what it should be:

  • I shouldn’t be afraid to run in my neighborhood
  • I shouldn’t be afraid to go places
  • I shouldn’t feel the need to avoid all people
  • I shouldn’t have a fear of everyone hurting me
  • I should be able to sleep
  • I should not see the worst in everyone
  • I shouldn’t be victimized again for feeling this way.

Comment if you want.

Vacation Recap – Rome – Day 2


Day 2 Folks!

These guys were allllllll over Italy.  Just floating there.  Jason and I think there was a magnet at work here, because he didn’t float anywhere else.  What a boring job though.  No one was giving him money so much as weird looks.  I took a picture.

So today was the tour of the Colosseum!

That ish is big.  I mean you think it’s big anyways, because of the name, but man.  Up close, it’s daunting.

Our Tour Guide, David, was hilarious and perfect.  He explained that in Italy they reuse everything.  So the building itself isn’t crumbling so much as it was pilfered way back to build things like Saint Peter’s Basilica.  The metal was removed from the stone as well as parts of the wall once the actual building was no longer in use.

David then went on to explain the history of the Colosseum.  Apparently, they just gave tickets away.  There was no charge.  So normal people could come and sit in the nose bleed sections to watch the gruesome horror that was these battles.

Speaking of battles…

There were over 5,000 people and animals slaughtered in this ruin back in the day.  The Romans were more barbaric than I thought possible.  They would put two things in the arena together without letting either know who they would be fighting.

For example (This is not confirmed by history, just things I’m making up)

  • Bear vs. Zebra
  • Lion vs. Prisoner
  • Zebra vs. Prisoner (I kind of would like to see this… I mean did they just stare at each other)
  • Tiger vs. Bear
  • Prisoner vs. Gladiator

and so on.  TALK ABOUT HUNGER GAMES GUYS.  That was all I was thinking throughout the tour was how in the movie they shoot up by this pod elevator and then have to fight to the death.  Well that is kind of like here, without the training.

This was all for the amusement of the leaders and the people of Rome.  Fun times.

THE STAIRS.  OMG.  Of all the things to be thankful for not living back then, I think the one that got me the most was stairs.  Holy hamstrings.

Refurbishing because they care.

We then ventured into more Ancient Rome…

Our Elusive Tour Guide From the Back

And what would this post be without some food pictures!

Hmmmm I guess we just drank that day.  So there are pictures of Jason and wine.  Two of my very favorite things.

Sadly tomorrow we leave Rome and depart for Florence… I promise you’ll love it as much as we did!

Vacation Recap – ROME Day 1/2 and 1


So I decided that I should do some recaps, because i like talking about myself and the things I do.

We got to Rome, Italy Friday (May 16) at around 10 pm.  We got to our hotel (The Hearth Hotel in Rome… Can’t Recommend This Place Enough!) and after dropping off our bags we walked to the closest open restaurant.

Francisco I. (sadly I can’t find the website).

So good.  Especially after being delayed forever and then not eating on the plane and being exhausted.  It was good to put food in our bellies, and it didn’t hurt that it was by far the best pizza I’ve ever had.

We went to sleep rather quickly and woke to find the Vatican bustling.

Yes, that is the Vatican, right outside our window.  YES THAT IS THE LINE TO GET IN.

Because Jason is uber smart, he booked a skip the line tour of the Vatican and it’s grounds so we didn’t have to wait!

This is behind glass because some psycho tried to throw a hammer at it.

Our Awesome Tour Guide Valentina!

I would have taken pictures inside the Sistine Chapel, but because it is a holy sacred place, no photographs are allowed.  A Japanese company came recently to restore the ceiling by meticulously cleaning and repainting portions to bring it back to it’s original (or as much as it can be) state.

Here is a picture that doesn’t do it justice at all:

The Vatican only took like half the day, so we set out to see other things…

The Pantheon

A Pretend Roman Guard

Something Important? Jason? What was this?

We then decided to walk around a bit, find food, and go about our day.  We met this guy…

He was kind of broken up that we wouldn’t stay and chat…

We were then swindled.  This always freaking happens.  We were walking through a court yard, this guy gave me roses, and then told Jason to give him money.  I tried to give them back and it didn’t work.  Then another guy came up did the same thing, and then took more money.  We spent 30 Euros on crappy roses.

After this lesson, anyone who approached me got a “NO.  GO AWAY.”  Jason would laugh because I went from nice American to “YOU’RE NOT TAKING MORE MONEY FROM ME.”

This lasted the rest of the trip…

We had an amazing dinner from the Restaurant down the street (Crap… what was the name… I suck at this).

Gnocchi and Clams for Jason

Gnocchi and Ricotta with Black Truffle for Me

Braised Veal Cheek for Jason (Apparently the best cut of meat he has ever had)

The Best Meatballs I have Ever Had

Wine soaked sweet cake with whipped cream and custard

Of Course Coffee

Two very happy diners…

We went back to the hotel, tucked ourselves in and went to sleep happily.

Tomorrow we go to the Colosseum!

Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 9


  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 13.6
  • Week Difference: + 1.4
  • Total Difference: +2.6
  • Emotion: Meh

Not really defeating the scale, am I?  I just got my paper tracker and my FitBit zip so I am using those now.  I am so pissed at myself.  SO PISSED.  How.  Did.   I.  Let.  Myself.  Get.  Back.  Here.

Oh I know how:

  1. I didn’t track honestly.  I would track Breakfast and lunch and possibly snacks and then say eff it by the end of the day.  Then I would eat what I want and act like it was no big deal, when really, the pain of it was festering.
  2. I dropped my activity level.  A few years ago when training for the Half Marathon I was running about 30 – 35 miles a week.  I could eat a bit more liberally.  But, since I have pretty much abandoned the training (For the past 4 or so halfs and pretty much every other race) I haven’t been able to continue keeping the weight at bay.
  3. I let myself comfort myself with Food.  Bad day? FOOD.  Crappy Week? FOOD.  Great day? FOOD.  Awesome week? FOOD.  Oh and let’s not forget the bored eating.
  4. Alcohol has become a staple that it never was before.  I used to laugh when people told me that when they started Weight Watchers and cut back their alcohol, they lost a ton of weight.  I used to think “I don’t drink that much.”  Well that’s changed.  I drink too much, too often.  I wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck most weekends.
  5. My desire seems to be gone.

I want to lose weight, but that doesn’t mean I am ready to lose weight.  Which blows.  I’m trying to push myself in that direction because I am tired of the way I look, the way I feel, and how low I see myself.

Today, after seeing the read out on the scale, I forced myself to wear heels, nice pants, and a new top I bought.  I forced myself to look nice, in hopes that the confidence boost in my nice clothes would help.

It’s a new day, it’s a new week.  I will conquer it.

Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 5 – Is It Failure?


  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 192.2
  • Week Difference: +0.8
  • Total Difference: +1.2
  • Emotion: So what happened was…

It’s not failure if you continue to try, but, what if you stop trying?

I ran 19.3 miles last week including my 10 mile race.  I was eating everything I wanted.  I figured that my running would cancel it all out – like I always do.  I drank some extra water, ate some more fruit, and then made too many trips to the cafe, too many excuses that I could eat more than the serving size, and only tracked what I felt comfortable tracking.

We went to the brewery this weekend, and while I composed myself and didn’t drink to excess, I could have only gone one day.  I could have taken better care of myself.  I could have.  I would have.  I should have.

Could’a, Would’a, Should’a.  But didn’t.

I look at all the women and men who are successful and I wonder what is different with me.  It’s not my metabolism, it’s not the exercise.  It’s the motivation.

It’s the belief that I am worth it enough to not let food control me.  To not turn to food or drinks to silence the demons in my head.

Being bipolar shouldn’t matter with regards to my weight loss, but it does.  While I am working with a doctor to get my meds straight and on the right levels, I am self medicating for what they aren’t doing.  I’m restless, and bored, so I eat.  I find a new recipe so I bake, and then of course I have to try it, which then turns into half of whatever I made.  I like trying new beers – something I never really liked (I used to hate beer) because my husband and dad like doing it, and it was a way to enjoy time with them.  Kind of like Baseball – never was a fan, until I saw my dad was.

I am not blaming anyone for my actions in any regard.  I now enjoy baseball (A lot) and I enjoy beer (too much).

Jason mentioned yesterday that he felt this was getting out of hand – mostly for the money aspect – it ain’t cheap.  I agreed.

My world seems to teeter on the edge of being completely out of control, and being  completely numb.  Being diagnosed Bipolar was not a shock to me, but at the same time, it never felt real.  I look back at high school with every stupid thing I did as a way to stop the pain.

Now, that I am not part of that lifestyle anymore, I’ve been using food.  I did so well, losing 40 pounds and being in the best shape of my life a few years ago.  Somehow without realizing what was happening, it started to come back.  I’m up 20 pounds from where I was 2 years ago, and that is so sad.  I can’t believe I thought I was fat then.  I look at those pictures and think “Man.  I was freaking hot.”

So now what?

I’m not sure.  I could say I’m going to be better this week, and I will make the effort.  I could say “I’m not sure.”  Or I could do nothing and let my actions speak for themselves.

 

Learning From Mistakes


“Failure is not something that you are, it’s something that you do.”  - I can’t remember who wrote this and google isn’t helping.

What a concept.  What a truth.

I am not a failure for my mistakes.  I have failed in the past.  The point is, what I learned from it.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

I do this too.

So I fail at things and I am insane.

I can work with that.

Step 1 – What’s not Working?

I can’t have ice cream, chips, crackers, cookies, 100 calorie packs, etc in the house without overeating, and overeating hard.  Except every week at the grocery store, these items make it into my cart.  WHY?  because I am a glutton for punishment?  Because I don’t actually want to lose weight?  because I don’t have control?

That is all B.S.

I do have control.  I am a strong person who doesn’t need that cupcake, that milkshake, that frap from starbucks, the box of cereal, the 1/2 gallon of ice cream, or that 4th beer.

Okay sometimes I need the 4th beer.

I can’t keep eating the way I’ve been eating and expect things to change.

Step 2 – Removing the Problems

It’s easy to say “I won’t buy that stuff” but when I am at work with a cafe downstairs, a candy jar on my bosses desk, and people constantly bringing in delicious homemade items, it’s hard to stay accountable.

Untitled

So how do I do this?  Plan plan plan.  Bring snacks with me to work that are healthy – fruit, veggies, protein bars, chug water, lots of water.  STAY OUT OF THE WORK KITCHEN.  I don’t even put my lunch there, so why am I constantly venturing back there?  IN HOPE SOMEONE HAS DROPPED FOOD.

I’m like a dog really.

Step 3- You will slip up, so don’t beat yourself up

When I do slip up, which will happen, I can’t beat myself up about it, and I sure as heck can’t throw in the towel and say “I’ll start again tomorrow” I’m starting now.  Today I pack my breakfast, snacks, and lunch all up for me to bring to work.  I have confidently walked past the candy jar 3 times and not even looked at it (Okay I looked once).

I saw the scary number on the scale, and I thought that would shove me in the right direction, but instead I just got comfortable with it.  I got used to seeing the number on the scale and stopped letting it bother me.  Instead I would just blame myself and state that I am too weak to lose weight, and it will never happen.

That needs to stop.  Yes, it’s my fault, but those bad decisions don’t define me.  I need to grow up.

Step 4 – Stop Chasing My Tail

I just run.  All I do is run.  All I do is run and run and run.  At first I was like “BOOM LOSING WEIGHT!” then I was like “Man I am hungry ALL THE TIME.”  Then I was like “Oh I can eat whatever the heck I want because I ran X miles today!  BRING ON THE SHEET CAKE!”

Oh that doesn’t work, does it?

So I was running like a crazy person, eating like a crazy person, and then running more to burn off the food, which would then make me eat more.

Hello Plateau.

I pretty much went between the same 5 pounds for the past 6 months.  Well how am I going to fix this?  I’m running 3 races in the next 6 weeks, and running a bunch in the fall – INCLUDING A MARATHON.

easy peasy.  I’m adding in other workouts.  I’ve started my DVD collection again.  Dusted off some Bob Harper, some Jillian Michaels, some Firm DVDs, and I am getting to it.  I plan one rotating them so I don’t get bored or too used to one over the other.  I have the Biggest Loser Bootcamp which I talked about before (that kicked my butt).  I have the Firm Strength Training DVD (which always kicks my butt).  I also just got Jillian Michaels Kickbox Fast Fix – while I know it will not be a fast transition from flab to fab, I like the motivation it gives.

Step 5 – Rinse and Repeat

I will have good days, and bad days.  Heck, I might have GREAT days.  I might also have HORRIBLE days.  That is life.  So instead of dwelling on the horrible days, and the problems, I’ll hold on to the good days.  I’ll use those as motivation.  I’ll keep going with those.

 

Today:

B: 2 eggs, 3 strips of bacon, coffee, and a banana

S: Orange

L: Wrap with turkey, provolone, onion and grain mustard; yogurt; diced pears; carrots

S: Quest Nutrition Bar

D: Where ever I go it will be a salad with protein

Activity: 4 mile run & 20 push ups

Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD (I heart you Bob Harper)


I didn’t want to run last night, and the idea of just strength training from a book made me bored, so I looked through my stack of Workout DVDs.  Not wanting to be yelled at (Ahem, Jillian), I opted for the Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD with Bob Harper.  I really enjoy these DVDs because they have people who haven’t completed their weight loss journeys, and also have people who are maintaining.  It’s more realistic and less intimidating.

There are 3 workouts (20, 15, and 10 minutes in length) plus a 5 minute warm up and cool down.  I opted for the 20 minute and 15 minute workout with the warm up and cool down to give myself a 45 minute workout.  I had never actually used this DVD (weird) so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

You do everything in this workout and you are screaming at the end.

I had to stop a lot during the second workout, my arms were screaming and I was only using 8 pound weights.  This DVD made me feel WEAK.  Which is good.  It has some cardio intervals, but the emphasis is on body weight and strength strength training.  I really enjoyed it, and am looking forward to doing it again.  I plan on this being my workout twice a week along with running 3 times a week.

Menu:

  • Breakfast – 2 eggs, bacon, coffee, and half and half (6p+)
  • Snack – Orange (0p+)
  • Lunch – Flatout wrap, turkey, provolone, mustard and onion (7p+), yogurt (3p+), Carrots (0p+), Diced Pears in juice (2p+)
  • Snack – Before Class Banana and apple (0p+), during class Coffee (3P+) and Quest Bar (5P+)
  • Dinner – Black Bean Avocado Salad (Black beans, avocado, cherry tomatoes, onion, bell pepper, lime juice, cilantro, corn, romaine lettuce) (7p+)

No activity today because I have class this evening.  I can’t believe after this week, I’ll have 5 weeks left in the semester.  Lordy lou.  It went by quick!

I’m also looking forward to not taking classes this summer.  I am, however, trying to figure out how I can go about getting some certificates with regards to my Masters.  I know Jason is reading this watching his money fly away thinking of it… Especially since I am looking at PhD programs too….. Sorry hunny!

I hope you all have a blessed day!  I’m gearing up for races in April, and scared to death about running another half marathon so close to the one I just did.  I guess that’s good for marathon training right?

xoxoxox

Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 3 – Standstill


I already knew this secret.  Someday, I am going to try it,  I swear I am.  Just as soon as I finish pinning 100 more fabulous desserts!!!!!!

  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 190.6
  • Week Difference: 0
  • Total Difference: -0.2
  • Emotion: Motivation?

I was surprised that I didn’t gain this week, but also, as usual I was upset that I didn’t lose either.  I do realize that a lot of my weight at this point isn’t just fat, but muscle.  My calves are pretty tight and hard and so are my hamstrings.  I guess if I didn’t feel like an Ox barreling down the hallway when I walk at work, the number on the scale wouldn’t matter so much.

Buy, hey look, it does.

I ran my 7 miles yesterday which was painful and horrible and I hate treadmills.  I think I am developing a hate of running because of treadmills.  I don’t hate it when I am outside or when I am in a race (except for the last mile) so it has to be the treadmill.  I feel weak on it.  My legs and shins start to scream on it.  I think I have found the solution to my own problem.

Today I didn’t really have a workout planned so much as I was going to see how I felt at the end of the day and go from there.  I think I might do some HIIT and arm exercises but without a plan in front of me I look dumb just going through random exercises.  Ugh.

Maybe I’ll do a workout from Drop 2 Sizes and then sprints on the treadmill.  hmmm.

Food Today:

  • B – 2 eggs, 3 strips of bacon, coffee & fat free half and half (6p+)
  • Snack – Orange (0p+)
  • Lunch – Chipotle Salad – Lettuce, Brown Rice, Pinto Beans, Veggies, medium salsa (5p+)
  • Snack – Apple, Banana (0p+) or Quest Nutrition Bar (5p+)
  • Dinner – Gluten free pasta, Ground beef, pasta sauce (12p+)

weight loss motivation | Weight Loss Motivation (Part2) | waysforweightloss