Props Where Props Are Due

I had another great day yesterday.  I tracked everything, I worked out a lot, and I went to bed without folding and getting a snack.  I need to up my water though, because that is still a hard task.  Which is odd.  I used to be able to guzzle down like 200 oz no problem.  Gotta get back in that habit.

The red circles are exercise

The red circles are exercise

That was yesterday’s read out from FitBit.  I love this little gadget.  I really do.  It makes me feel awesome to see the steps and the calories burned (that’s overall even while I’m sitting, so don’t get too excited) and how many miles I’ve traveled.  It will be awesome to see the read out after the marathon. :-)

Grades were finally posted to PatriotWeb for this semester, and while I knew I had received A’s in both classes, I wanted to be sure.


And now I am.

Go Me.

Today’s Plan (Which is tracked already!)

  • B: 2 eggs, 3 strips of bacon, iced coffee w/ fat free half and half
  • S: Banana
  • L: Turkey Salami and Cheddar wrap, pop corners, apple, yogurt, snapple
  • S: water
  • D: Baked chicken and a baked potato cooked with EVOO
  • Activity: I’m supposed to run 3.1 miles.  I am going to attempt to make myself do this outside.  Please send me messages at like 3:30 pm EST and tell me to run outside.  (Twitter or Facebook will do)

I can’t believe a week from today I will be traveling to Italy with Jason.  It’s so weird, so surreal, and so abrupt.  We planned this and booked it like 6 weeks ago – and I ignorantly was like “I can totally lose 30 pounds by then” – HAH.  I’m aiming to look better by my birthday.

Last thought:

brooke birmingham sbs watermark

Unless you have been living under a rock the past few days, you know who this gorgeous woman is.  Her name is Brooke and she has become famous overnight for standing up to Shape Magazine for their ill treatment of her story.  After losing 172 pounds, this woman should be celebrated, not told to cover up.

Read more about her at one of the many outlets that have picked up her story:

Learning From Mistakes

“Failure is not something that you are, it’s something that you do.”  – I can’t remember who wrote this and google isn’t helping.

What a concept.  What a truth.

I am not a failure for my mistakes.  I have failed in the past.  The point is, what I learned from it.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

I do this too.

So I fail at things and I am insane.

I can work with that.

Step 1 – What’s not Working?

I can’t have ice cream, chips, crackers, cookies, 100 calorie packs, etc in the house without overeating, and overeating hard.  Except every week at the grocery store, these items make it into my cart.  WHY?  because I am a glutton for punishment?  Because I don’t actually want to lose weight?  because I don’t have control?

That is all B.S.

I do have control.  I am a strong person who doesn’t need that cupcake, that milkshake, that frap from starbucks, the box of cereal, the 1/2 gallon of ice cream, or that 4th beer.

Okay sometimes I need the 4th beer.

I can’t keep eating the way I’ve been eating and expect things to change.

Step 2 – Removing the Problems

It’s easy to say “I won’t buy that stuff” but when I am at work with a cafe downstairs, a candy jar on my bosses desk, and people constantly bringing in delicious homemade items, it’s hard to stay accountable.


So how do I do this?  Plan plan plan.  Bring snacks with me to work that are healthy – fruit, veggies, protein bars, chug water, lots of water.  STAY OUT OF THE WORK KITCHEN.  I don’t even put my lunch there, so why am I constantly venturing back there?  IN HOPE SOMEONE HAS DROPPED FOOD.

I’m like a dog really.

Step 3- You will slip up, so don’t beat yourself up

When I do slip up, which will happen, I can’t beat myself up about it, and I sure as heck can’t throw in the towel and say “I’ll start again tomorrow” I’m starting now.  Today I pack my breakfast, snacks, and lunch all up for me to bring to work.  I have confidently walked past the candy jar 3 times and not even looked at it (Okay I looked once).

I saw the scary number on the scale, and I thought that would shove me in the right direction, but instead I just got comfortable with it.  I got used to seeing the number on the scale and stopped letting it bother me.  Instead I would just blame myself and state that I am too weak to lose weight, and it will never happen.

That needs to stop.  Yes, it’s my fault, but those bad decisions don’t define me.  I need to grow up.

Step 4 – Stop Chasing My Tail

I just run.  All I do is run.  All I do is run and run and run.  At first I was like “BOOM LOSING WEIGHT!” then I was like “Man I am hungry ALL THE TIME.”  Then I was like “Oh I can eat whatever the heck I want because I ran X miles today!  BRING ON THE SHEET CAKE!”

Oh that doesn’t work, does it?

So I was running like a crazy person, eating like a crazy person, and then running more to burn off the food, which would then make me eat more.

Hello Plateau.

I pretty much went between the same 5 pounds for the past 6 months.  Well how am I going to fix this?  I’m running 3 races in the next 6 weeks, and running a bunch in the fall – INCLUDING A MARATHON.

easy peasy.  I’m adding in other workouts.  I’ve started my DVD collection again.  Dusted off some Bob Harper, some Jillian Michaels, some Firm DVDs, and I am getting to it.  I plan one rotating them so I don’t get bored or too used to one over the other.  I have the Biggest Loser Bootcamp which I talked about before (that kicked my butt).  I have the Firm Strength Training DVD (which always kicks my butt).  I also just got Jillian Michaels Kickbox Fast Fix – while I know it will not be a fast transition from flab to fab, I like the motivation it gives.

Step 5 – Rinse and Repeat

I will have good days, and bad days.  Heck, I might have GREAT days.  I might also have HORRIBLE days.  That is life.  So instead of dwelling on the horrible days, and the problems, I’ll hold on to the good days.  I’ll use those as motivation.  I’ll keep going with those.



B: 2 eggs, 3 strips of bacon, coffee, and a banana

S: Orange

L: Wrap with turkey, provolone, onion and grain mustard; yogurt; diced pears; carrots

S: Quest Nutrition Bar

D: Where ever I go it will be a salad with protein

Activity: 4 mile run & 20 push ups

Weekly Workouts – November 10 – November 16


Sunday November 10 – Wilson Bridge Half Marathon – 13.1 miles – 2:17:11 – 1879 Calories Burned (23 APs)
You can read my full recap here – but the short of it was that I PR’d, had fun, and can’t wait till next year.  The course is gorgeous.
Monday November 11 – Rest Day
I ate everything that was put near me today.  I was insatiable.  I think it’s because when I went to sleep the night before, I was still in the hole by about 1000 calories.  I had obviously not eaten enough (which is odd) to fill me up.  Oh well.
Tuesday November 12 – 3.1 Mile – 31’33” – 401 Calories Burned (5 APs)
First run back out there, it was painful, hard, and I was slow.  I had to stop a few times and stretch.  My calves were screaming, and my breathing was off, and I pretty much wanted to shoot myself.  I couldn’t believe that a week before I was running sub 30 minute 5ks and now, I am like limping to my house.  I know I know.  I just came off a long race with a hard route, I’ll bounce back.  But for now – compression socks. 
Wednesday November 13 – 3.1 Mile Run – 31’21” – 400 Calories Burned (5 APs)
This one was slightly easier than yesterday’s run.  I did something during the run to my hip – either stepping off a curb wrong, or pushing too hard too quickly – and now it’s in pain.  Actually so much so that turning over in bed was a challenge.  YAY.  I’m going to take Thursday off and see how it goes, and then see on Friday if I can run.  If it’s still screaming, I will take Friday off and then try again Saturday and Sunday. 
Thursday November 14 – Rest Day
Oh my hip hurts something fierce today.  I hope it’s just a warning to slow down.  I really hope I haven’t screwed it up again.  I have too many plans!  Silly hip.  I wish it would just not hurt.  Or I wish it would hurt and then stop hurting.  I don’t get what it’s problem is.  JEEZE.
Friday November 15 –  Rest Day Part Deux
I had two excuses today…I had no time because I had to leave work and immediately take the dogs to the vet for their shots and checkups.  By the time I got home, Jason was only like 10 minutes away and I was hungry.  I felt like if I had gone for a run I would have felt better, but then my hip would have been screaming.  Excuse 2 – my hip.  MY DAMN LEFT HIP.  
Saturday November 16 – 5.2 Miles (Running) – 52’08” & 1 mile (Walk home) – 18’04” = 729 Calories Burned (9 APs)
So I decided I would run.  I WOULD RUN DARN IT.  I set out with the intention of at least 5 miles.  I wanted to do the full 10K once I was out there so I saw that as a good sign.  But alas, after eating less than 2 hours before, I was feeling pretty gross and my hip was being a B again so I walked a lot.  A LOT.  Then I decided at 5.2 to just give up.  I made it that far, right?  I was good.  I walked the mile home and called it a day.
 My goal this week is 15 – 20 Miles.  I just need to get back into running, and stop having these set backs.  My plan is as follows:
  • Sunday – Rest Day – I woke up sick as crap, and was sneezing and congested all day.
  • Monday – 3.1 Mile run
  • Tuesday – Strength training
  • Wednesday – 4 mile run
  • Thursday – 30 minutes of Sprints and recovery on treadmill
  • Friday – 3.1 mile run
  • Saturday – MCM Turkey Trot 10K
  • Total Mileage – 16.4 plus whatever the sprints are.

Not Liking Yourself

I am guilty of being entirely negative about myself on a minute by minute basis.  I need (or at least I think I need) constant reassurance, and affirmation on myself in pretty much every aspect of life.  I know this is annoying to everyone who comes in contact with me, and I know it makes me hard to be around.  I sense my neediness is the number one reason why I didn’t have many friends in High School or College and why the few I did have are no longer in my life.  I get anxious when planning get together’s with people because I instantly feel uncomfortable walking out of my house, driving to a location, and then having to make conversation for a indefinite amount of time.

While I am outgoing, it’s all forced and awkward.  I have to tell myself to shut up at times because I know my topics are usually inappropriate or not interesting.

I find this happens a lot with my husbands coworkers.  We will be in a situation where I am ‘forced’ to converse and I bring up things like Credit Limits, or how I got alcohol poisoning on Jason’s 21st Birthday Weekend.

I feel awkward in 99% of clothes (the 1% being my PJs).  This summer My husband and I went to the beach, and I didn’t even get in the water because I was so self conscious about how I looked in my bathing suit.  I know that made him sad.  I know all he wanted was for me to be at ease and comfortable in one of his favorite places, but I couldn’t make myself.

I am 100% content being a shut in and watching TV or Movies and living vicariously through the other people in my life who are off gallivanting the world doing amazing, beautiful, amazing things.  I’m comfortable at home singing along to Sara Bareilles while thinking up story lines, and writing in my journals, this blog, or just on scrap paper.  The deck in my backyard is my largest venture out that I can still feel at ease in.

There are times where the anxiety builds so much, I come across as a selfish bitch that turns to her husband and says “I need to leave.”  I get the sweats, and shakes, and a headache.  Yesterday, at my Dad’s birthday dinner, I had chest pains through the majority of the outing because of the closeness of our group at the small table.  I was against the wall, and the screaming child behind me through 80% of the meal just became almost too much.

I can be okay, I can be safe, I can be in control in my house.

But I’m really not.  It’s obvious I am not.  This is why there are so many things we want to do, but we don’t.  I want to go to Africa next summer for a missions trip, and while now, with it millions of days away, I am at ease with the choice to go, I am thinking of the months leading up to it, and how flying across the Atlantic Ocean – Alone – will be terrifying.  How the irrational fears jump up inside me and that voice in my head – The one that sounds like Morgan Freeman (Because he narrates my life, even the bad parts) – says “Don’t do it.  You know better.  You leave these walls, you leave your shelter.”

So what do I do?

Do I go back to my doctor, and tell her the crazy pills she put me on aren’t working – in fact they have made me worse to the point of where I have stopped taking them completely, and now the paranoia, depression, and anxiety is crushing?

Do I just run more? and harder?

Do I wallow?

Jason wants me to go back to the doctor.  I think he is right, but at the same time taking those meds is like putting in ear plugs at a concert.  You can still hear the music, but it’s muffled  and the moment isn’t the same.  I don’t want to lose bits and pieces of myself because of this condition.

I barely slept last night – like I can tell you exactly every time I looked at the clock and I saw every hour of my sleepless night shown in red glowing numbers.  I barely slept knowing I would write this post, and all the people from my past that still read this blog to snicker, or write hateful, hurtful comments (which is why I approve every comment now, because I was deleting upwards of 10-15 a day from people.. I know who they are because they have IP addresses that give their secrets away), or those who tell other people in their lives how horrible I am, and then it gets back to my husband.

He is the real victim in this.  He wasn’t made privy to my carelessness for my own existence.  He wasn’t given the full scope of what he was legally binding himself to.  He says he doesn’t care, and that he loves me anyway, but I can see the draining tiredness in his eyes when I say – for the millionth time – I’m just sad.

So I am trying something new, today, in fact.

photoI love this shirt I am wearing.  It’s a great color, comfortable fabric, looks good with jeans or dress pants (and most likely a skirt too, but I’m covered in mosquito bites, so until tights can be worn, I’ll never know).  I think it fits me well, and judging by this forced smile in my picture, I like how I look in it.

I ran 10 miles on Friday.  10 miles.  Depending on who is reading this, 10 miles might be a warm up for you, or something you never think you will accomplish.  But I did it anyways.

I’m in my last semester before my internship starts in the Spring.  As long as I pass the Praxis II in October – I will be venturing into a new career – which is both terrifying and amazing at the same time.

Today is my Dad’s 61st Birthday.  He is truly a rock on which I lean a lot.  I need to remember his strength and faith when I forget my own.

I am loved, even if only by few, those people count – and in talent, personality, and character they outweigh the negative people that are no longer in my life.

It’s a process, one I am trying to get the hang of.


Workout Recap : September 2 – September 8

Another week down!

Monday September 2 : 5 Mile Run – 53’06” (495 Calories)

I ran 5 miles on Sunday and this was more of a “I need to keep my mileage up” run, so I wasn’t aiming for speed – which is pretty much my mentality always and forever – I felt good through most of the run, towards the end my ankle started to complain but I stuck it out. Thank you Grey’s Anatomy!

Tuesday September 3 – REST DAY

So with the first day of schools being back in session, it took me FOREVER and a day to get to work this morning, meaning I can’t jet out early to get my workout done. I still have to go home and take care of the dogs, but with my lack of sleep last night the most I am going to do is wash my hair and blow it out before leaving for class tonight. I know I know. I could get in a quick workout, but when you need a rest day, you need a rest day. The rest of the week will be filled with running fun – because after one day of strength training I fell off that wagon again… After the half marathon, I’ll be more apt to abuse my body in that way, but for now, I gotta keep my mileage up.

Wednesday September 4 – 5 Mile Run – 52’45” (535 Calories)

This run was interesting. My legs felt like lead. I am not sure why they are feeling heavier as opposed to more efficient. But it could have just been a bad day, these things happen – they happen often – but it makes the really good runs REALLY GOOD.

Thursday September 5 – 3 Mile Shakeout Run – 30’56” (399 Calories)


My legs felt pretty good during this run. I was just not feeling it. I got home and was like “NO. I DON’T WANT TO.” Then I realized that I just needed to put my shoes on. So I got dressed, got my shoes on, and then like a light switch I became a machine that just went through the motions, and then – it was done. Fancy how that works. I was drained by the time I got to class, and I think I yawned like 6 times in 2 minutes. I am sure my group felt great having me around, not really.

Friday September 6 – 10 Mile Run – 1:45:55 (1008 Calories)


I effing did it. Wow, I forgot how long that took to accomplish. I need to be faster. If I was faster I would get it done quicker and then I’d not be running for so long. I’m sure that’s how the other runners are so happy, because they are faster so they don’t have to do it as long. It’s the longness that bothers me. But it’s all good. Next week will be amazing.

Saturday September 7 – Rest Day (Stretch, ice, hydrate)

I felt massive all day.  I hate how that happens on rest days.  I hate how I feel like I am automatically back at my starting weight 6 years ago just because I take a day off.  I am also hitting that point in the month that every girl loathes, so that is not helping.  BUT I must say my day – food wise – could have been worse.

Sunday September 8 – Strength & 1 mile Run (341 calories)


Oh between the hangover and my body just not wanting to run, this is the best I could do!  I wanted to run, but I also didn’t.  I think I am hitting that point where I am getting burned out.  So I decided to strength train instead of forcing myself to run, and it helped so much.  I also miss strength training. So I think I am bouncing back to 2 times a week:

  • Run Days: M, W, F
  • Strength Days: Th, Sun

We’ll see how this goes.  I’ll be doing HIIT on the days that I strength train too, so I’ll still get some running done in there, but it won’t be how I have been – so my weekly mileage will drop :-(


  • Weekly Miles: 24 Miles
  • Weekly Calorie Burn: 2778 Calories
  • Monthly Miles (so Far): 29 Miles
  • Year to Date Miles: 585.1 Miles

Tuesday Things, Tings, Tongs, Tries (Bachelorette Recap)

I felt defeated this morning when I peaked at the scale.  Lordy lou.  I know what I did to get me here.  It involved cake, pasta, cupcakes, pizza, beer, soda, etc.  Today I detox.

Okay not really.  I don’t do cleanses or detoxes, but I am chugging water like it’s my job and lot in life.

I worked out yesterday but it wasn’t a run so I’ll be hitting the 5k today!  Thinking I might do some speed work to get some endurance, and those workouts always seem to go by faster than normal runs so we’ll see!

The Bachelorette

Holy Moly.  Stop Reading if you haven’t watched and don’t want to be spoiled.

So we start off this episode KNOWING something (possibly) HORRIBLE (or just pathetic) is going to happen.  Des is seen crying and Brooks says “This is the worst day of my life” and Drew and Chris look forlorn (not sure if this is related to Des crying or Brooks being melodramatic – BUT WE’LL FIND OUT OVER THE NEXT 2 HOURS!)

So it’s the overnight dates… YAY.

First up is Drew – aka Ken Doll.  Seriously this guys hair is cemented to his head.   Said best by my favorite contemporary author Jennifer Weiner:

“Drew looks like a Ken doll, complete with plastic hair. And possibly a smooth empty spot where his genitals should be. #TheBachelorette

Oh she slays me.  Anywhoodle..

So Date one is Drew.  He is like “I need to pull over so I can kiss you again” and Des is all like “That’s sweet.”  She can’tell by his mouth that he loves her.”  I’m like really?  Are we just not trying?  Well they are supposed to have dinner on the beach and then it rains – figures – and so they have dinner or something in the Fantasy Suite.

Cut to them on the bed and them kissing and then Drew saying “Okay guys, time to leave.”  Des gives a faint look of “Um please stay?” and then the cameras are gone.  I am worried for Des at this point because the pretty boys are always the crazy ones.  Last thing we hear ‘Oh it’s hot in here’ from Des, most likely her sly way of saying “No I don’t want you to touch me, because body heat makes this humidity of being in AntigAH (because that’s how she pronounces it) worse.’

The next morning I am relieved to see she is alive, and her bones haven’t been made into windchimes by Drew because she is waiting in bell bottom pants, a bikini top and some fringe type vest for Chris to come rolling up in a Jeep.

We can expect more bad poetry I am sure.

They take a helicopter ride to look at the island.  They are “on Top of the world!’ and the water is so “blue!” Obviously all their good imagery was used in the first like 7 weeks.

(Does anyone else miss Tiera’s Eyebrow right now?)

Des continues to say things like “We do have a connection.  We do have a spark” and we all watch as she tries to convince herself that she could be happy with someone who’s dad would constantly be realigning her back and then after marriage – other parts. *cringe*

Then Before the Fantasy Suite, He reads her a journal entry with odd pauses and calls it poetry.  (If ANYONE has a transcription of this, I would love it for my wall at home, or for an example of what poetry is not, when I am a High School teacher, as it is hard to negate something that is so boundless, but Chris, he does it beautifully.)

Whilst this is going on, Brooks has gone to Boise (random) to meet with his family and talk through his feelings.  He is unsure about Des, he is not comfortable in proposing, he isn’t in love with her after 8 weeks, and he is going to break up with her.

uh oh.

I mean Des has been saying for the past 4 weeks that she loves him (well, she has been saying this to us and Chris Harrison, but not to Brooks) and no one has commented.  I mean seriously guys.  NO ONE ON THE BLOGOSPHERE EXCEPT FOR JEZEBEL HAS COMMENTED ON THIS.

So he then meets with Chris Harrison to tell him he is leaving the show.

Chris is like “Well you know what you have to do.  Man up.” (Paraphrased, but that’s the gist).

So Brooks goes to meet Des for their date, and Des shows up looking all happy until she hugs Brooks and he doesn’t kiss her (that was his only good move.).

A bunch of mumblings and her realizing what is happening, he says that he isn’t in love with her.  They sit under the thatched roof of the hut of Broken Hearts as Des finally turns to him and says “I love you.  I miss you everyday.”  And he’s like “Wait.  WHAT?”

As they walk away – because you know now he has to leave – she says ‘You know why I was so conflicted, because it’s been you.  You are who I loved and dating these other guys when it was you I wanted to be with.” (or something like that.)

She finally walks away from him back to the Hut of Broken Hearts, to sob for the remainder of the episode, and Brooks stands under a palm tree questioning everything he just did.  He’s crying.  He doesn’t understand why this was so hard.  He doesn’t understand why his hair gel isn’t working.  He is mad that he is wearing seersucker shorts, and realizes that kind of makes him a douche in and of itself. And then he leaves in a limo from the gated community known as Dumpsville – Population Des.  A lot of guys have left this season.. I mean seriously.  She sent home that cheater, the guy who wanted the fantasy suite on night 1, Bryden who had no emotion or moves, and now Brooks?  Is Des that unlovable?  I mean whats wrong with her?

This took two hours people.

Next week the CRAZY CONTINUATION OF THE BACHELORETTE previewed us with Des telling Chris that she can’t love the other two guys the way that she loves Brooks, and that it’s not fair to them, and that to her “it’s over.”

I am not sure how I feel about this.  But I can tell you, the fact I have to wait till Monday, is driving me batty.

Wednesday Words, Wheelings, Wallops, Waits

Oh Wednesday, you lover of mid week situations.  It’s my last class of the summer term tonight and while I am extremely excited to watch it end, have the grades entered, and me to move with my life, it seems that the moment I get comfortable in a schedule, it must change.  This fall term will be no different.  I am taking two sessions and the both meet at night.  Two nights where my time will be spent hunkered into a classroom listening on how to be literary, and how to teach those who aren’t.

This was my choice, I must remind myself.

I’ve been a bit down lately (what else is new?) and I’ve been compiling a private board on Pinterest of sayings and quotes that have at least made getting through the day a bit easier.  I’m going to share a couple with you, in case you are in the same rut:

Vulnerable... so hard to be.

Do What You Can

Dr. Seuss 'Youer Than You' Wall Decal by Molls Designs - $32.00 »  Dr. Seuss had a way of making even the most kid-friendly quotes inspirational. This wall decal will serve as a daily reminder of your you-ness.

Excellent quote from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night, flying the flag for English authors and poets including many of those available on Silksoundbooks

your blessings life quotes quotes positive quotes quote life life quote

I feel I’ve grown a lot in the last few months, which I know sounds trite.  I just think that my desire to be out of my current situation has thrust that upon me.  I wish I could leave my job now, start teaching and then be done with this chapter in my life, but like my book, there is a lot more writing to be done.

Wow I sound like a pretentious snob.  It’s not my intention.

Today is a rest day from working out, as I valued my sleep this morning more than waking up at 5:00 am and I will not be home till later tonight because of my last class.

I will return to the ranks of sweat and soreness tomorrow with running and possibly another Jillian DVD, because I forgot how much I love them.