Motivation for Not Letting Yourself Wallow

I failed my Praxis II test for the third time on Saturday.  I then promptly ate my feelings, and drank them as well, waking up Sunday feeling sad, and unable to really move much.  Talk about hungover and bloated.

I skipped my 8 miler on Sunday meaning I have to do it today, but after all the wallowing and sadness, I am picking myself up.

So my plans changed.  So it didn’t go as I expected.  I can sit here and whine, bitch and complain, and be miserable thus alienating everyone and thing around me to the point of where I am more alone than I feel I am now, or….

I can get the eff over it.

Yeah life sucks.  I failed the test.

It’s not a death sentence.  

I’m going to have to delay my internship.

It’s not terminal cancer.

I have to stay in a job I hate.

You’re employed.

I hear complaining from everyone – because it’s natural and human to be disappointed at times, but really what it comes down to is, in the grand scheme… It ain’t all that bad.

Positives of Today (so Far):

  • Traffic was LIGHT.  Thanks Federal Holiday during a Government shut down!
  • I bought an egg poacher you put in the microwave so I could have eggs at work, and whoa there – IT WORKS.  Talk about filling awesome breakfast on the daily now!
  • Although I didn’t sleep much last night, what ever I got was good sleep, because I don’t really feel groggy.
  • I had an amazing conversation yesterday with my friends Alex and Lisette, who completely put everything into perspective.  They are awesome, and made me realize this isn’t the end.  It will work out.
  • I have the most amazing supportive husband.  Hands down.
  • I’m more motivated now to cut the crap and finish my weight loss journey and start into maintenance mode.  I’m done with the emotional eating and the feeling like crap.
  • The Blogess’ Book is being optioned for a TV show.
  • I’m alive

You have to step back.  You have to look at all your blessings.  Yes there are let downs, but that is not life.  That is what you are choosing to focus on.  I am instead choosing to focus on the great electives I get to take in the Spring.  The new relationships I will cultivate by doing so.  The fact that I get to take next summer off from school and actually just work and be with my husband, family, and friends.  I might get a vacation next year.

I am done taking the blessings in my life for granted.  I have an amazing life here, and I want for nothing.

So begins the studying again, and next time – This January/February time frame… I am kicking that test’s ass.

Hunter Boots on Sunday for the Rain that has now passed.

My Rock, My Strength, My Guy.


Wanting Versus Being Committed

I think with many things in life, there is a blurred line between wanting the result and being committed to getting the result.

Getting an A on a paper in school, doing well on a project at work, keeping your marriage on the right path, moving to a new location, finding that dream job, being happy, and of course losing weight.

I think on and off over the past 5 years of my weight loss journey I have flirted with wanting to lose weight (When the pounds kind of come off and then I plateau) and being committed to losing weight (when the pounds simply drop).   I realized this morning that pretty much for the past year I have been in the wanting mindset over the committed mindset more so than not.  This is troublesome because frankly, you would think, that if you want something bad enough, it should just happen right?

I’ve got an arsenal of blogs that are motivating, inspirational and exactly what I need to hear constantly being updated in my reader – SO YOU WOULD THINK IT WOULD JUST CLICK RIGHT?

Well, it does and then it doesn’t.  It clicks when I am reading it.  It clicks for hours afterward.  I am motivated, content, and ready and then something (Anger, Depression, stress, boredom) hits and I’m back to my old ways.

That was until I read the post from Run Roll Repeat today.  She went home and was surrounded by temptation of fried food and still managed to stay on track.  I was like “HOW?” and then I realized.  She is committed to losing weight, not just flirting with the idea.

Then I started thinking about other people’s blogs I read.

Runs For Cookies Lost over 100 pounds, and has kept it off.  She runs Marathons!

She’s Losing It is an incredible blog about a mom who got incredibly fit while still being a mom

Healthy Tipping Point is of course my go to for running advice and recipes that are both delicious and healthy.  She is informative without beating it into you.

BitchCakes is one of my biggest role models.   She lost 100 pounds and is now training for the NYC Marathon this year.  She is kick ass, and it still curvy and didn’t try to fit herself into some skinny mold.

The Spicy Simmer is a great blog with cooking and CSA goodies.  She has amazing mouth watering recipes and a great personality.  Very motivational in the kitchen.

You’d think with all of this wealth of knowledge, I’d be set.

The fact is, I am set.  I have more than enough ability and knowledge with these few blogs to master whatever I want in my weight loss journey.

The commitment just hasn’t been there.  I can run and run and run and lift and lift and lift alllllllllllll I freaking want, and it will make no difference if I eat like crap.  I need to be mindful.  I am going to be mindful.

I have tracked my day out, and I am planning on a run this afternoon once I get home.  I am excited to start lifting next week after the Half Marathon is over.  I am also working to clean up my diet.  I know I eat mostly healthy, but I am not eating the right things to keep me satiated.

I’m also not drinking nearly enough water.  So here starts my plan of being committed to losing weight.  Come hell or high water.  I just want to be back to where I was this time last year (about 10 pounds less), and then I can work from there.

Today’s Plan:

  • Breakfast: 1 slice Ezekiel Bread 1/2 TBSP of Better n’ Peanut butter, Yogurt and blueberries & Coffee
  • Snack: WATER
  • Lunch: Southwest Salad (Ready Pac brand), Yogurt, Apple, Turkey Muffins
  • Snack: WATER
  • Dinner: Spinach and Feta Turkey Muffins & Mac and Cheese (Light)
  • Activity: 2-3 Miles on treadmill


Tuesday Things, Tings, Tongs, Tries (Bachelorette Recap)

I felt defeated this morning when I peaked at the scale.  Lordy lou.  I know what I did to get me here.  It involved cake, pasta, cupcakes, pizza, beer, soda, etc.  Today I detox.

Okay not really.  I don’t do cleanses or detoxes, but I am chugging water like it’s my job and lot in life.

I worked out yesterday but it wasn’t a run so I’ll be hitting the 5k today!  Thinking I might do some speed work to get some endurance, and those workouts always seem to go by faster than normal runs so we’ll see!

The Bachelorette

Holy Moly.  Stop Reading if you haven’t watched and don’t want to be spoiled.

So we start off this episode KNOWING something (possibly) HORRIBLE (or just pathetic) is going to happen.  Des is seen crying and Brooks says “This is the worst day of my life” and Drew and Chris look forlorn (not sure if this is related to Des crying or Brooks being melodramatic – BUT WE’LL FIND OUT OVER THE NEXT 2 HOURS!)

So it’s the overnight dates… YAY.

First up is Drew – aka Ken Doll.  Seriously this guys hair is cemented to his head.   Said best by my favorite contemporary author Jennifer Weiner:

“Drew looks like a Ken doll, complete with plastic hair. And possibly a smooth empty spot where his genitals should be. #TheBachelorette

Oh she slays me.  Anywhoodle..

So Date one is Drew.  He is like “I need to pull over so I can kiss you again” and Des is all like “That’s sweet.”  She can’tell by his mouth that he loves her.”  I’m like really?  Are we just not trying?  Well they are supposed to have dinner on the beach and then it rains – figures – and so they have dinner or something in the Fantasy Suite.

Cut to them on the bed and them kissing and then Drew saying “Okay guys, time to leave.”  Des gives a faint look of “Um please stay?” and then the cameras are gone.  I am worried for Des at this point because the pretty boys are always the crazy ones.  Last thing we hear ‘Oh it’s hot in here’ from Des, most likely her sly way of saying “No I don’t want you to touch me, because body heat makes this humidity of being in AntigAH (because that’s how she pronounces it) worse.’

The next morning I am relieved to see she is alive, and her bones haven’t been made into windchimes by Drew because she is waiting in bell bottom pants, a bikini top and some fringe type vest for Chris to come rolling up in a Jeep.

We can expect more bad poetry I am sure.

They take a helicopter ride to look at the island.  They are “on Top of the world!’ and the water is so “blue!” Obviously all their good imagery was used in the first like 7 weeks.

(Does anyone else miss Tiera’s Eyebrow right now?)

Des continues to say things like “We do have a connection.  We do have a spark” and we all watch as she tries to convince herself that she could be happy with someone who’s dad would constantly be realigning her back and then after marriage – other parts. *cringe*

Then Before the Fantasy Suite, He reads her a journal entry with odd pauses and calls it poetry.  (If ANYONE has a transcription of this, I would love it for my wall at home, or for an example of what poetry is not, when I am a High School teacher, as it is hard to negate something that is so boundless, but Chris, he does it beautifully.)

Whilst this is going on, Brooks has gone to Boise (random) to meet with his family and talk through his feelings.  He is unsure about Des, he is not comfortable in proposing, he isn’t in love with her after 8 weeks, and he is going to break up with her.

uh oh.

I mean Des has been saying for the past 4 weeks that she loves him (well, she has been saying this to us and Chris Harrison, but not to Brooks) and no one has commented.  I mean seriously guys.  NO ONE ON THE BLOGOSPHERE EXCEPT FOR JEZEBEL HAS COMMENTED ON THIS.

So he then meets with Chris Harrison to tell him he is leaving the show.

Chris is like “Well you know what you have to do.  Man up.” (Paraphrased, but that’s the gist).

So Brooks goes to meet Des for their date, and Des shows up looking all happy until she hugs Brooks and he doesn’t kiss her (that was his only good move.).

A bunch of mumblings and her realizing what is happening, he says that he isn’t in love with her.  They sit under the thatched roof of the hut of Broken Hearts as Des finally turns to him and says “I love you.  I miss you everyday.”  And he’s like “Wait.  WHAT?”

As they walk away – because you know now he has to leave – she says ‘You know why I was so conflicted, because it’s been you.  You are who I loved and dating these other guys when it was you I wanted to be with.” (or something like that.)

She finally walks away from him back to the Hut of Broken Hearts, to sob for the remainder of the episode, and Brooks stands under a palm tree questioning everything he just did.  He’s crying.  He doesn’t understand why this was so hard.  He doesn’t understand why his hair gel isn’t working.  He is mad that he is wearing seersucker shorts, and realizes that kind of makes him a douche in and of itself. And then he leaves in a limo from the gated community known as Dumpsville – Population Des.  A lot of guys have left this season.. I mean seriously.  She sent home that cheater, the guy who wanted the fantasy suite on night 1, Bryden who had no emotion or moves, and now Brooks?  Is Des that unlovable?  I mean whats wrong with her?

This took two hours people.

Next week the CRAZY CONTINUATION OF THE BACHELORETTE previewed us with Des telling Chris that she can’t love the other two guys the way that she loves Brooks, and that it’s not fair to them, and that to her “it’s over.”

I am not sure how I feel about this.  But I can tell you, the fact I have to wait till Monday, is driving me batty.

Way Back Wednesday!

2007 - 2012

2007 – 2012

I needed a pick me up this morning as I did squats for my NROLFW workout I was focused on the cellulite on my thighs and pretty much convinced myself in that 26 minute workout that I would never, ever, improve.  I might get stronger, I might run faster, but I would forever look the same.

I felt like that 200+ pound girl who somehow got married to an amazing man, and could barely zip up her wedding dress.

As I did my first set of 1 minute planks I stared at myself in the mirror.  My skin glistening in the sweat dripping off of it, I saw her, from 6 years ago.  She was glaring back at me in the mirror.  Her puffed out bloated face that most likely had just gorged on a 700 calorie drink from Starbucks, and a 1000+ calorie apple fritter for a “Light breakfast”.  She looked like she was in pain.  But not physical pain.  She looked like she had given up.

When the timer went off saying I had hit a minute, I jumped my legs forward and began my horizontal wood chops.  When I jumped back down for my second plank, I looked in the mirror and realized I was crying.

As I finished the second plank and jumped up for my second round of wood chops, I was still reeling.  Would I ever be able to see myself, the way that my Husband sees me?  The way that I actually look?  Or will my reflection always be my past?  (Insert the Mulan song ‘Reflection’ for added dramatic effect, if you so wish.)

When I jumped down for my third plank, I felt defeated.  I ‘planked’ there in straight arm form and just felt useless, fat, horrible.

When the timer went off, my workout was done.  I stood up and then stared at the floor.

I’ve never been able to do 3 planks, back to back before.  Even though I can hold a plank for a pretty long period of time – as long as I don’t come out of it, and I can grunt as I wish – I’ve never been able to do more than one plank in a row – especially after a full on weight session.

Suddenly, staring in the mirror, I saw what I looked like today.  My legs aren’t where I want them to be, but damn if they aren’t toned.  My arms when lifting, are crazy strong and man I can see the muscles poking through.  My abs, still need a hell of a lot of work, but THEY HELD ME IN 3 PLANKS.

My ass is becoming a bubble.  It’s lifted.  It’s perky.  It’s becoming a high school/early college age ass.


I decided to make the side by side picture because I needed a reminder.  Sometimes you just need picture proof.  I can’t wait to take my next set of pictures for NROLFW, and then for my side by side from the entire program at the end.

I also tried Shakeology today, and I’m hooked.  I ordered my first bag of Vanilla, and am excited to try it out. Who knows I might end up as a Beach Body Coach!

My point of this ramble is, sometimes the mirror lies, because your mind allows it.  Do your best to see yourself in the light of others, as opposed to what your self doubt makes you.

xoxoxoxoxoxo my lovelies.


Food For Thought:


I decided this morning as I rolled over to turn off my alarm that running was just not going to happen.  I could feel my hips creak and strain as I rolled over in bed, and the idea of running on my sore hips, hamstrings, glutes, calves, ankles, feet was not something I could wrap my head around.

I’ve made a deal with myself though… After I get home from class, if I’m not exhausted, and it’s not too late, I will make up my run this evening.  I like running in the evening because it’s a great way to decompress from the day.  While I love the effect of running/working out in the morning, there will always be a special place in my cardio routine for evening workouts.

So we’ll see how the day goes, but the prospect of working out tonight actually makes me smile :-D  Plus.. if I’m running I can’t be sitting in front of the TV snacking on food, right?  Right.

I am in love with these boots.

The first day of Summer (officially) is tomorrow, although the DMV area has been the victim of some intense heat and storms already the calendar places the first day of summer as the 21 of June.  So what am I planning on doing to celebrate?  Most likely nothing special, I might pull out a sun dress, or drive home with my windows open, but the summer months have never really been my favorite (even though my birthday is in July and my anniversary is in June – after summer starts).  I am not a big fan of the heat.  I would rather live in Seattle with rain, overcast, and cool temps year round.  I would prefer England, but lets be honest, who thinks I’m going to convince the Husband to move to England someday?  Don’t all raise your hands at once!

I’m more of a jeans & knee high boots girl, than a shorts and flip flops girl.

So I might be insane as I am currently signed up for 9 credits this fall. 9 CREDITS.  That is 3 classes.  I’m okay with this, because frankly I have to be.  This will make next year a lot easier.  I’ll have to take 3 classes total for my Masters – assuming I get a job, I’ll be able to do this.  If  I don’t get  job I’ll have to wait it out till I do.

I don’t think I am biting off too much.  I am simply just trying to get as much done as I can this year.  I want to go into 2014 with a great step in the right direction.  I want to be as prepared for my next step in life as much as I can be.  I don’t think that is wrong at all.

I’m taking notice of the things I can control, and those that I can’t.  It’s freeing really.

I think I found the workout I will do this evening.  Instead of worrying about mileage I am going to do intervals to help increase my speed.

This should give me a nice endorphin release, get my cardio on, and sweat out today.  Plus it’s not too much that I’ll feel like death afterward.


  • On the way to Work: Protein Smoothie
  • Breakfast (8:00am) : bagel thin w/ cream cheese and coffee
  • Snack (10:00am): water and banana
  • Lunch (12:00pm): Salad with Chicken, Water
  • Snack (2:00pm): Yogurt with fruit, Diet coke
  • During Class: TONS OF WATER
  • Dinner: Greek Salad w/ you guessed it.. Water
  • Workout: 30 Minute Interval Training on Treadmill
  • Post Workout: Water & Tea

Give It To Me:

  • Evening or Morning workouts?  Why?
  • Flip Flops and Shorts or Boots and Jeans?
  • Do You Think I am Crazy to Sign up for 9 Credits?

Food For Thought:

A picture of me in Paris France in October 2012 – exhibiting my favorite attire as well as enjoying my favorite weather

Enough Is Enough

  • Oh, my eating.  What am I going to do with you?  This weekend wasn’t as big of a fail as it could have been.  I could have added funnel cake at the ball park and another beer.  I could have had a third slice of pizza, or ordered the large sundae.  I could have indulged in the key lime pie at my in laws (I hate key lime pie), I could have had even more food last night at my parents house.  I could have… could…. have……  But I didn’t.  I am by no means congratulating myself on my efforts to stop at certain points.  I am simply stating that it could have been worse.  BUT.  It also could have been better.  Scale aside, I feel gross.  I feel bloated, huge, expanded, sluggish, unable to get comfortable in the upright position.  Back on the wagon today.  I’ve pre-tracked everything.
    • Breakfast: Protein Smoothie, Coffee w/ skim milk, Bagel thin with a bit of spreadable cheese (I woke up too late for eggs)
    • Snack: Fresh Cherries
    • Lunch: Spinach Salad w/ apple, walnuts, gorgonzola and onion, yogurt
    • Snack: Apple & Baby Carrots
    • Dinner: Chicken Stir Fry with Asian Slaw
    • Water Goal: 128 ounces (or one gallon)
    • Activity: NROLFW Stg 3 A4 & 1 Mile Run
  • How am I already almost done with Stage 3?  This is craziness, and officially the longest I have stuck with a weight program.  I am thinking after this one is over, I’ll buy the Ab one.  Because my Keg of a stomach is no longer a funny joke I like to make.  I don’t really want a six pack, I would just settle for sitting down and not having to suck in for the entire duration of my seated expenditure.
  • I also bought “Get Clean” Detox Tea from Republic of Teas this weekend, and I love the taste.  Before someone starts harping on me that Detoxes don’t work – this isn’t for weight loss.  It actually doesn’t promote weight loss.  It does the following:

Herb Tea for Detoxing – Had too much of a good thing? Feeling out of balance, a bit heavy or puffy? Then it’s time to get clean.

This gentle naturally caffeine-free herbal detox blend helps the body as it helps to stimulate the liver*, one of our natural cleansing mechanisms.

  • I had a cup last night and one this morning (the label says drink 2 cups a day or something) and frankly the way I have treated my liver, I need this.  And also it’s tea, I’m not expecting to have some more powerful liver after this, but if I rebound from a hangover faster as a result – then let’s do it.
  • I am addicted to Facebook Games now.  Farm Heroes, Candy Crush, Papa Pear, Pet Rescue… AGH.  I swore I would never be that person, but I am.  I AM.  It started with Chef World or something back in the day, and The Husband made me delete it because I would put off going out for a certain period of time so I could serve my guests.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.  So after reflection I stopped playing.  Now I am back to playing other games, and it sickens me.  But I love them so much.  SO MUCH.
  • Can we just talk about the Law and Order SVU season Finale?  WTF NBC?  You’re gonna put Benson in MORTAL DANGER and then cut to black for the next 3 months?  TSK TSK.  WELL PLAYED.
  • The Bachelorette is Back!



  • Des from last season.  She’s pretty, down to earth, etc.  Girl Next Door.  Whatever.  I hope she’s not boring.  I mean she kicked a guy off last night because he proceeded (3 TIMES) to try to get her to his make shift Fantasy Suite on night one.  Huh?  What was with the magician?  And the shirtless guy?  And the guy in a suit of Armor?  Also, Social media guy? Saying “HashTag (Insert whatever is going on at the moment)” is really dumb.  You are a loser, and you are giving all of us tweeters and other Social Media losers an EVEN WORSE name. Just stop it.  The guy I thought was attractive was Larry, the ER doctor, but he got kicked off.  Most likely because he ripped her dress, and acted like a complete idiot bringing up the failed Dip over and over and over again.  The new guy I am rooting for is Brooks.  Holy Hottness Batman.

Oh… Just… Yes.

  • Sigh.
  • Anyhoodle, I am happy that tomorrow is Wednesday.  This week needs to go by fast so I can sleep again.  Next week starts my Summer session, so I’ll be living in Educational Psychology and Young Adult Literature all Summer.  Envious?  I bet.  I just got the schedules for both of my classes, and while one will meet in person every class the other has a hybrid model which will allow me to meet the class online.  Thank Jesus.  So my workouts will suffer in their frequency, but not that long.  It just means I have to be on point with my eating, and not let the College aspect of life get the best of me.  I can and will do this.  I will also maintain my 4.0 GPA, darn it.

What Do You Got For Me?

  • How was your memorial day?
  • Do you watch the Bacehlorette?
  • What do you think of Tea as a healing agent?

Food For Thought Tuesday



Throwback Thursday!

Me, at last years half marathon start line.  Terrified, still not quite awake to know what was going on, and unsure of just about everything in the world.  But look at my crazy drunk grin!  No I wasn’t drunk – this was the face of a girl who wished this was the finish line.  Don’t get me wrong. I love running.  I love the half marathon distance.  BUT with that said…. I hate waking up early in order to do these things.  I need a half marathon that starts at 10:00am people.

This years race starts – like gun time – at 7:30am.  Which means I need to be there by 7:00am.  Which means I need to get up by 4:30 in the morning.  On Saturday.  This is still better than the Half in December, where we had to get up at 3:45am for a race that started at 8:00am because it was in Annapolis. I will no longer do that for races.

Except if it’s Disney.  I will do that for Disney.

So yesterday I posted an afternoon Vlog detailing how I felt day 1 after NROLFW workout.  I still feel great.  I am sore, there is no getting around that, but I feel great nonetheless.   I’m overdosing on water today so my muscles can repair themselves – along with protein, but part of me still feels “BLARG”.  I am not sure what I did to my jaw but it really hurts.  The left side is like kinked or something.  I can close my mouth all of the way without pain – so my tongue is acting as a barrier, and if I open my mouth too wide – like to yawn- it hurts even more.

GOOGLE READER WILL CLOSE ON JULY 1 2013!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Because my world is over.  I have so many blogs on there.  Wahhhhhhhhh.  I spent 45 minutes last night transferring all of my subscriptions to the Worpress Reader, and I hope that doesn’t go away because then I will just have to memorize everyone’s blog, or keep a spreadsheet on a thumbdrive of all of the addresses, and then I’ll lose that on the subway or something – because I’ll have it in my bag of tricks known as my purse, and then my life will really be over.  So stayed tuned for the post of “I LOST ALL MY BLOGS.”

I’ve updated my NROLFW page with my preliminary measurements and before photos.  I will not comment on the before photos, because they are hideous. My ass looks like I stuffed two basketballs in my pants, and not in a good way.   That’s why I am here.  That’s why I am doing this.  I can do this.  I can’t keep saying it’s too hard.  It’s too difficult.  OF COURSE IT’S HARD.

Today’s Plan!

  • Breakfast: Coffee w/ Cream, Protein Smoothie w/ Strawberry, banana, pineapple, skim milk and Protein Scoop, Yogurt
  • Snack: Water
  • Lunch: Spinach salad w/ chicken, walnuts, gorgonzola, carrots; baby carrots w/ hummus, yogurt
  • Snack: Apple or Banana
  • Dinner: Soup? Salad? Something?  Clean out fridge day.
  • Activity: NROLFW S1 Day 2 (Workout B) & 2 Miles running on treadmill

Well I am off to embrace the workday, and see where I am taken with it’s path.. or something.