I felt defeated this morning when I peaked at the scale. Lordy lou. I know what I did to get me here. It involved cake, pasta, cupcakes, pizza, beer, soda, etc. Today I detox.
Okay not really. I don’t do cleanses or detoxes, but I am chugging water like it’s my job and lot in life.
I worked out yesterday but it wasn’t a run so I’ll be hitting the 5k today! Thinking I might do some speed work to get some endurance, and those workouts always seem to go by faster than normal runs so we’ll see!
Holy Moly. Stop Reading if you haven’t watched and don’t want to be spoiled.
So we start off this episode KNOWING something (possibly) HORRIBLE (or just pathetic) is going to happen. Des is seen crying and Brooks says “This is the worst day of my life” and Drew and Chris look forlorn (not sure if this is related to Des crying or Brooks being melodramatic – BUT WE’LL FIND OUT OVER THE NEXT 2 HOURS!)
So it’s the overnight dates… YAY.
First up is Drew – aka Ken Doll. Seriously this guys hair is cemented to his head. Said best by my favorite contemporary author Jennifer Weiner:
“Drew looks like a Ken doll, complete with plastic hair. And possibly a smooth empty spot where his genitals should be. #TheBachelorette“
Oh she slays me. Anywhoodle..
So Date one is Drew. He is like “I need to pull over so I can kiss you again” and Des is all like “That’s sweet.” She can’tell by his mouth that he loves her.” I’m like really? Are we just not trying? Well they are supposed to have dinner on the beach and then it rains – figures – and so they have dinner or something in the Fantasy Suite.
Cut to them on the bed and them kissing and then Drew saying “Okay guys, time to leave.” Des gives a faint look of “Um please stay?” and then the cameras are gone. I am worried for Des at this point because the pretty boys are always the crazy ones. Last thing we hear ‘Oh it’s hot in here’ from Des, most likely her sly way of saying “No I don’t want you to touch me, because body heat makes this humidity of being in AntigAH (because that’s how she pronounces it) worse.’
The next morning I am relieved to see she is alive, and her bones haven’t been made into windchimes by Drew because she is waiting in bell bottom pants, a bikini top and some fringe type vest for Chris to come rolling up in a Jeep.
We can expect more bad poetry I am sure.
They take a helicopter ride to look at the island. They are “on Top of the world!’ and the water is so “blue!” Obviously all their good imagery was used in the first like 7 weeks.
(Does anyone else miss Tiera’s Eyebrow right now?)
Des continues to say things like “We do have a connection. We do have a spark” and we all watch as she tries to convince herself that she could be happy with someone who’s dad would constantly be realigning her back and then after marriage – other parts. *cringe*
Then Before the Fantasy Suite, He reads her a journal entry with odd pauses and calls it poetry. (If ANYONE has a transcription of this, I would love it for my wall at home, or for an example of what poetry is not, when I am a High School teacher, as it is hard to negate something that is so boundless, but Chris, he does it beautifully.)
Whilst this is going on, Brooks has gone to Boise (random) to meet with his family and talk through his feelings. He is unsure about Des, he is not comfortable in proposing, he isn’t in love with her after 8 weeks, and he is going to break up with her.
I mean Des has been saying for the past 4 weeks that she loves him (well, she has been saying this to us and Chris Harrison, but not to Brooks) and no one has commented. I mean seriously guys. NO ONE ON THE BLOGOSPHERE EXCEPT FOR JEZEBEL HAS COMMENTED ON THIS.
So he then meets with Chris Harrison to tell him he is leaving the show.
Chris is like “Well you know what you have to do. Man up.” (Paraphrased, but that’s the gist).
So Brooks goes to meet Des for their date, and Des shows up looking all happy until she hugs Brooks and he doesn’t kiss her (that was his only good move.).
A bunch of mumblings and her realizing what is happening, he says that he isn’t in love with her. They sit under the thatched roof of the hut of Broken Hearts as Des finally turns to him and says “I love you. I miss you everyday.” And he’s like “Wait. WHAT?”
As they walk away – because you know now he has to leave – she says ‘You know why I was so conflicted, because it’s been you. You are who I loved and dating these other guys when it was you I wanted to be with.” (or something like that.)
She finally walks away from him back to the Hut of Broken Hearts, to sob for the remainder of the episode, and Brooks stands under a palm tree questioning everything he just did. He’s crying. He doesn’t understand why this was so hard. He doesn’t understand why his hair gel isn’t working. He is mad that he is wearing seersucker shorts, and realizes that kind of makes him a douche in and of itself. And then he leaves in a limo from the gated community known as Dumpsville – Population Des. A lot of guys have left this season.. I mean seriously. She sent home that cheater, the guy who wanted the fantasy suite on night 1, Bryden who had no emotion or moves, and now Brooks? Is Des that unlovable? I mean whats wrong with her?
This took two hours people.
Next week the CRAZY CONTINUATION OF THE BACHELORETTE previewed us with Des telling Chris that she can’t love the other two guys the way that she loves Brooks, and that it’s not fair to them, and that to her “it’s over.”
I am not sure how I feel about this. But I can tell you, the fact I have to wait till Monday, is driving me batty.