One thing I have noticed a lot with my issues in losing weight is that I fail to plan. With this new go around, I have begun pre-planning my weeks, just to know what’s up.
Yesterday I had planned my lunch meticulously, and then was invited out by a friend at work. It was too good to pass up, so I looked at the menu, picked the least bad for you thing (Salad w/ Chicken) and tracked every bit. I had worked out that morning, so it wasn’t too bad of a meal.
Last night we went to Flight Night at BadWolf Brewing Company, and shared a flight. I have about 2 beers total, so I tracked. I dipped into my weeklies by 5 P+, but it was worth the indulgence.
This is how things have to be. I have to weigh what is more important.
- Having numerous beers and feeling like crap in the morning vs. having a small amount of beer and having a slight headache but not feeling weighed down
- Having a large piece of cake and shaming myself later vs. having a tiny piece of cake and staying in control
- Beating myself up vs. Forgiving myself
I know these seem like a no-brainer, but there are so many times where I have simply chosen the bad route because it was easier. I was searching for comfort and found it in food.
I need to find comfort in other things, like myself. I need to learn to process emotions and feelings without stuffing my face with food. Mainly because it never helps. It makes me feel worse.
This song was something that I listened to on repeat because it actually made me feel better. It made is seem like I wasn’t alone in my self hatred. The heavier girl in the video is how I saw myself. I would hide food, take an ice cream carton and go into the bathroom to eat it. Buy numerous baked good from bake sales, and just chow down. I always felt full afterwards, but sick.
I remember being about 7 years old and going to the Sizzler with my family, which is essentially a huge buffet (well it is a huge buffet) with really good food. I loaded up my plate 3 times, and then had ice cream. I felt so sick, and so horrible. I couldn’t sleep that night because of the pain.
Or having to shop in the adult section of Caldor because the cute clothes of the juniors didn’t fit. Wearing my dads pants to school because they did fit, and saying they were ‘vintage’ made the bigger size ok.
Having a friend of mine in the 3rd grade tell me that her mother said I should lose some weight.
These are the moments that stick out in my childhood.
I didn’t have a lot of friends, and those I did have pretty much were friends out of obligation of their parents. I was socially awkward but outgoing – which is a horrible combo.
I never felt in control.
Now, with planning my food, and planning my weeks out, I feel in control. I feel in control of what goes into my body, and the exercise I do. I feel in control of my choices.
Preparing = being in control