Defeating the Scale Tuesday – Week 5 – Is It Failure?


  • Starting Weight: 190.8 pounds
  • Current Weight: 192.2
  • Week Difference: +0.8
  • Total Difference: +1.2
  • Emotion: So what happened was…

It’s not failure if you continue to try, but, what if you stop trying?

I ran 19.3 miles last week including my 10 mile race.  I was eating everything I wanted.  I figured that my running would cancel it all out – like I always do.  I drank some extra water, ate some more fruit, and then made too many trips to the cafe, too many excuses that I could eat more than the serving size, and only tracked what I felt comfortable tracking.

We went to the brewery this weekend, and while I composed myself and didn’t drink to excess, I could have only gone one day.  I could have taken better care of myself.  I could have.  I would have.  I should have.

Could’a, Would’a, Should’a.  But didn’t.

I look at all the women and men who are successful and I wonder what is different with me.  It’s not my metabolism, it’s not the exercise.  It’s the motivation.

It’s the belief that I am worth it enough to not let food control me.  To not turn to food or drinks to silence the demons in my head.

Being bipolar shouldn’t matter with regards to my weight loss, but it does.  While I am working with a doctor to get my meds straight and on the right levels, I am self medicating for what they aren’t doing.  I’m restless, and bored, so I eat.  I find a new recipe so I bake, and then of course I have to try it, which then turns into half of whatever I made.  I like trying new beers – something I never really liked (I used to hate beer) because my husband and dad like doing it, and it was a way to enjoy time with them.  Kind of like Baseball – never was a fan, until I saw my dad was.

I am not blaming anyone for my actions in any regard.  I now enjoy baseball (A lot) and I enjoy beer (too much).

Jason mentioned yesterday that he felt this was getting out of hand – mostly for the money aspect – it ain’t cheap.  I agreed.

My world seems to teeter on the edge of being completely out of control, and being  completely numb.  Being diagnosed Bipolar was not a shock to me, but at the same time, it never felt real.  I look back at high school with every stupid thing I did as a way to stop the pain.

Now, that I am not part of that lifestyle anymore, I’ve been using food.  I did so well, losing 40 pounds and being in the best shape of my life a few years ago.  Somehow without realizing what was happening, it started to come back.  I’m up 20 pounds from where I was 2 years ago, and that is so sad.  I can’t believe I thought I was fat then.  I look at those pictures and think “Man.  I was freaking hot.”

So now what?

I’m not sure.  I could say I’m going to be better this week, and I will make the effort.  I could say “I’m not sure.”  Or I could do nothing and let my actions speak for themselves.

 

Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD (I heart you Bob Harper)


I didn’t want to run last night, and the idea of just strength training from a book made me bored, so I looked through my stack of Workout DVDs.  Not wanting to be yelled at (Ahem, Jillian), I opted for the Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD with Bob Harper.  I really enjoy these DVDs because they have people who haven’t completed their weight loss journeys, and also have people who are maintaining.  It’s more realistic and less intimidating.

There are 3 workouts (20, 15, and 10 minutes in length) plus a 5 minute warm up and cool down.  I opted for the 20 minute and 15 minute workout with the warm up and cool down to give myself a 45 minute workout.  I had never actually used this DVD (weird) so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

You do everything in this workout and you are screaming at the end.

I had to stop a lot during the second workout, my arms were screaming and I was only using 8 pound weights.  This DVD made me feel WEAK.  Which is good.  It has some cardio intervals, but the emphasis is on body weight and strength strength training.  I really enjoyed it, and am looking forward to doing it again.  I plan on this being my workout twice a week along with running 3 times a week.

Menu:

  • Breakfast – 2 eggs, bacon, coffee, and half and half (6p+)
  • Snack – Orange (0p+)
  • Lunch – Flatout wrap, turkey, provolone, mustard and onion (7p+), yogurt (3p+), Carrots (0p+), Diced Pears in juice (2p+)
  • Snack – Before Class Banana and apple (0p+), during class Coffee (3P+) and Quest Bar (5P+)
  • Dinner – Black Bean Avocado Salad (Black beans, avocado, cherry tomatoes, onion, bell pepper, lime juice, cilantro, corn, romaine lettuce) (7p+)

No activity today because I have class this evening.  I can’t believe after this week, I’ll have 5 weeks left in the semester.  Lordy lou.  It went by quick!

I’m also looking forward to not taking classes this summer.  I am, however, trying to figure out how I can go about getting some certificates with regards to my Masters.  I know Jason is reading this watching his money fly away thinking of it… Especially since I am looking at PhD programs too….. Sorry hunny!

I hope you all have a blessed day!  I’m gearing up for races in April, and scared to death about running another half marathon so close to the one I just did.  I guess that’s good for marathon training right?

xoxoxox

Wake Up Wednesday – Lent Day 1


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Ah Lent.  I’m not Catholic, but I can jump on board with things that can make me a better person.  So I participate in giving up something each year for Lent.

Last year was Chocolate – which I did a very good job of!  I only craved it for about the first two weeks, and then I was fine.  But I realized last year that just because I give up Chocolate doesn’t mean I am healthy.  I was substituting it with a million other vices.

So this year I am going to give up Junk.  My diet could be cleaner, it could be more focused on filling, healthy foods.  So that is what I am going to do.  I am going to focus on healthy, filling, clean food.  Ice cream, fro-yo, popcorn, anything in a single serve package, etc.  You get the idea.

Exceptions:

  1. Diet cola (I can’t just give up everything)
  2. Beer (God wants me to be happy)

But everything in moderation, right?  I figure cutting the crap out of my diet, and filling in the gaps with the good stuff will give me an overall fresh start.

Eating fish on Fridays, I can jump on that.

Being Better Is Living Better

Being Better Is Living Better

Today’s Plan:

  • Breakfast: 2 Eggs Scrambled, 3 strips of bacon, coffee w/ fat free half and half
  • Snack: Banana
  • Lunch: Big salad, yogurt, clementines, diet coke
  • Snack: Apple
  • Dinner: Med Salad
  • Snack: er. Water?

Activity: Run

Water intake: Goal of 100 oz

Because this is my “Wake Up Wednesday” I am pretty excited – everything is new, fresh, and clean.  My past mistakes are not defining me, and I will be successful this go around.

234 days till the Marine Corps Marathon – PLEASE DONATE!!

Doesn’t Deserve a Title Apparently


70% FUNDED FOR THE MARINE CORPS MARATHON!

Thank you to all who have donated thus far.  It’s an amazing feeling to know that you all are supporting me and the animals with such a generous action.  Love to you all.

                                             Haven’t donated and want to?  Or feel guilt for not doing it?  Want a Tax deduction?                                                    Bethany’s Donation Page

Happy Friday guys!  We made it!  My hip is a lot better today – just in time for the Ortho Appointment.  I’m cautiously optimistic about this appointment, but have decided that I will not be exercising today.  I most likely will not workout at all till my race on Sunday.  I know this is so unlike me, but I want to go in strong, rested, and recuperated.

This could all blow up in my face, but eh.  I’m willing to take that risk.

My husband was in a fender bender this morning, and thankfully he is fine – I attribute his fine-ness to the fact that he is in a Subaru.  The car that is just amazing at everything.  I will be buying one the minute I can.

I purchased some casual dresses this morning, in hopes of becoming female this year…

I really like both of them, and got them both on sale – YAY COUPONS – and I hope they BOTH work out.  I’d love to be able to throw on a cardigan or blazer and have a cute work outfit that can transition to happy hour outfit easily.  How complete Cosmo does that sound?

I’m also embracing the fact that my thighs are just gonna get bigger as my training continues.  When I was training for my first half my thighs got bigger and more toned, and my calves got smallish (not really) and more toned.  I’m just never going to have slim legs, and that’s fine.  I’ll most likely have to sell all the skinny jeans without stretch that I bought for when I lose weight, because there is no way they are going to fit over these hamstrings.

The little issues.

@Amanda Farris : I laughed out loud when I saw this because I thought it would be perfect for Eric! Good thing he didn't get lost during the marathon or this would be him! ;)

Legit Fear Of Mine

I’m beginning (Prelim stages folks) to accept things about myself at this point.  I looked in the mirror this morning and noted how great my butt looks in these jeans.  Now granted, I am bias, because I love these jeans, but I don’t love my butt.  Except for today!  I also noticed how my skin is clearing up – FINALLY.  Being almost 30 with acne sucks – so that is a plus.  My hair is starting to go back to normal with a little help of sea salt spray, so i’m happy about that.  I’m just not giving up.

Running Humor: My mom told me I can be anything I want to if I put my mind to it....

Happy Friday Folks!

Don’t forget to donate!!!

Day 1 of Not Giving Up


I know I shouldn’t weigh myself everyday or be a slave to the scale, but I was happy to see a dip this morning from yesterday.  It keeps me motivated.  I’m totally fine with doing this my own way this go around and not falling into the “What’s the newest and most innovative diet out there??” I’m just trying to be clean, Gluten Free, and full.  If I achieve those things, then I am golden.  I went to bed early last night to evade the temptation of eating.

I got more sleep, and felt better this morning than I have in a while, and I didn’t eat needless food.  I call this a win.

My run yesterday wasn’t very good.  My hip started acting up again and it made me have to jump off a few times.  I’ve decided to take today off and stretch/yoga and tomorrow I am resting completely with some stretching before bed.  I have to walk across campus to class, so that will count as my workout.  It’s about 3/4 of a mile one way, so it will at least get my legs loose.

I need to know when to rest, and even though it’s a massive worry, I think that after resting I will be good.  I did this last week and it went fine.  It was only when I over did it that I noticed the pain coming back.  So for now, it’s extra protein, water, tylenol, and icey hot.  Sorry for the menthol smell.

Fundraising

I’m at 61% ya’ll!!! In 7 DAYS!  That is amazing.  I am hoping to beat my goal of $1000.00 but I still need help.  As a loyal reader, if you could find it in your heart and wallet to support me (even with $5.00) it would mean so much to me.  I am in the process of coming up with a thank you gift for everyone that donates – SO DON’T MISS OUT!

Mental Stability

I’m getting there.  I will get there.  I looked at myself this morning and saw something I hadn’t seen in a while.  I saw acceptance.  Yes, I have cellulite.  Unless I get Lipo from the guys on Nip/Tuck it will always be there in some form.  Yes I have stretch marks.  They will be battle wounds that I earned.  I will look at them and remember how far I have come.  I have clothes that don’t fit now, which means they will fit soon, and I will look great in them.

Goodbye January


Did this month go fast for anyone else?  I mean really.  I take the exam – AGAIN – next weekend.  Which is sure to be the weekend that kills me, as it is my sister’s birthday and my parents anniversary on Friday, Saturday is my exam, Sunday is my 5k in the morning, and then dress shopping for my little sisters wedding in the afternoon.  I hate when weekends are jam packed with crap like that.  Oh well.

Today’s Plan:

  • Breakfast: Eggs, and Meatballs, Coffee
  • Snack: Banana
  • Lunch: Mixed greens salad w/ carrots, tomatoes, onion, Gorgonzola, and chicken, yogurt, clementines
  • Snack: Apple, banana, Quest Bar
  • Dinner: Cauliflower Pizza

Activity: 7 Mile Run (On the treadmill because I’m dumb)

I have a doctors appointment straight after work and then I’m running.  I missed my long run last week and did 6 miles on Monday – which I have to say set me up for a really good week mood wise… might continue to have a longer run on Mondays… But I need to make up for it this week.  After two days of no activity, I think my legs are ready for it.  We’ll see.

ugliest-dog 2009 ~ (I don't think there is such a thing as an ugly dog. She is Beautiful~!!!)  ~♥~

Kind of how I feel today

We’ll see how it goes.

This weekend, however, my plans are kind of haphazard.

Tonight: A rousing night of gluten free cooking, DVR’d shows, most likely breaking my Gluten Free-ness and going to BadWolf for a beer, most likely then heading home – or to Harris Teeter for Ice Cream.. Let’s be honest.

Saturday: Rest Day.  Going shopping in the morning for something for my parents, and then heading home to do whatever – most likely clean, or grocery shop, and then dinner with Alex and Lisette afterward at a Japanese Steakhouse!

Sunday: Football day.  Dog Grooming in the morning, 3ish mile run at some point, baking a cake for my brother in law’s birthday celebration that night.  Ignoring the Super Bowl.

  • What are you up to this weekend?
  • Baking anything fun?
  • If you were a dog, what kind of dog would you be?

p.s. I lost 2 pounds this week.  It’s nice, and I am just going to keep on keeping on.

 

So You Want to Play With Magic?


I’m on Day 3 of Wheat Free, and I have to say I am pretty much loving how I’m feeling.  Not hungry, more energy, no headaches, etc.  It’s a wonder.

I’m working on a post explaining a lot of my choices with this, and lots of sources on the subject.  If for nothing else, I am so far doing well.  I am liking the current state with myself, but like I’ve said before, it’s not for everyone, and I would never push a diet on here that I think everyone should do.  Find what works for you and do it.

FYI I’m still eating carbs, just not of the bread variety.

I’m obsessed with that Katy Perry song by the way, I’ve downloaded it for my running playlist and am not ashamed to say I’ve listened to it on repeat pretty much for the past 4 days.  I know that I sound nothing like her, so I apologize if you are caught with me in a small space when it comes on the radio, because you are in for torture.

Be My Friend.

Be My Friend.

So it’s Wednesday and I suck at taking pictures of my food.  So here is one picture of what I am eating today:

Clementines (0P+)

Clementines (0P+)

Yep.  that’s it.

Menu:

  • Breakfast: 2 Eggs, 3 strips of bacon, coffee with Half n’ Half
  • Snack: SO MANY CLEMENTINES
  • Lunch: Mixed Green Salad with: Cucumber, Zucchini, baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, feta, chicken strips, and balsamic vinaigrette.  Yogurt, Diet Coke
  • Snack: Apple
  • During Class Snack: Quest Nutrition Chocolate Brownie Protein Bar (Gluten Free!)
  • Dinner: Bacon Wrapped Chicken Breast with Parmesan Asparagus

No activity today because there is no time for a lunch time workout with all the meetings I have, and I’ll be in class till 7, not getting home till close to 8.

It’s okay.  I ran yesterday!

We got snow again last night, which meant that no one had school, and no one was driving normally, and everyone acted like it was the end of the world and all humanity.

If my hockey puck of a car can make it through, you have no excuse.  Unless of course you ride a bicycle, unicycle, rickshaw, or swim to work.

I’m noticing that my running is getting harder and harder.  At first I was like “My legs are obviously possessed and no longer wish to abide by their owner” but then I thought – Is it my shoes?  Nope, couldn’t be.  I’ve had these babies not even six months, and I don’t run more than like 20 miles a week, so there is no way I’ve worn them out – and I have two pairs which I interchange frequently.  So, could it be my alien parasite that I was talking about on Twitter earlier?

Untitled

 

and then I made, what I was told, is an insensitive comment

Untitled1I can see both sides.

Or maybe it is the fact I am running on a treadmill?  I’m not sure.  I do know, however, my long run of 7 miles will be outside this Saturday because apparently it’s going to be in the 50′s?  I mean, Weather… come on.

Don’t tease me so.

Well, that’s all I got.

If you hate my Bachelor Recaps and want a better one each week go to: http://www.ashleyjonesy.com/

 

To To To Tuesday


Yesterday was Day 1 – 100% Wheat free.  It was beautiful.  I wasn’t hungry.  WASN’T HUNGRY.  I ate my meals, then had popcorn and some sorbet after dinner and that was it.  Ah-mazing.

I stuck to my planned meals from yesterday as well.  I was able to get a salad from the work cafeteria, and even completed my two a day workout.

Strength Training (At Lunch):

  • Tricep Press – need more weight next time, wasn’t nearly hard enough
  • Chest Press
  • Shoulder Press
  • Lateral Pull Down
  • Seated Row
  • Bicep Curl
  • Goblet Squat
  • Dead lift
  • Abdominal Crunch

Cardio (After work):

  • 6 Miles 1:04:51

I had meant to do 7, but something was wonky with my legs and my brain.  I need to figure out why they give out so easily now, it’s kind of redonkulous.  I’m going to do an interval workout today for building endurance and speed so may be that will loosen these lead legs up a bit.

Not a Happy Run Face

Today’s Plan:

  • Breakfast: 1/2 avocado, 2 scrambled eggs, bacon; coffee w/ half n’ half
  • Snack: Banana
  • Lunch: Mixed Greens Salad w/ Cucumber, Feta, Zucchini, cherry tomatoes, chicken; yogurt
  • Snack: Apple
  • Dinner: Taco Salad for me – Taco’s for the husband

Today’s Workout:

  • Running Intervals:
    • Warm up – 5 minutes
      • 5 minutes – 5.5 mph
    • Intervals (5 Times Total) – 20 minutes
      • 2 minutes – 6.0 mph
      • 1 minute – 8.0 mph
      • 1 minute – 4.0 mph
    • Cool Down – 10 Minutes
      • 5 minutes – 5.5 mph
      • Walk for 5 minutes at 3.5 mph

The State of the Union address is tonight at 9:00 pm EST – I imagine every channel will be airing it, so go forth and get up to date about what is going on.

What I Ate Wednesday and Why I Can’t Do It


Here is what I was planning on doing yesterday….

I’ll try to do this when I remember, which might not be much, but hey, I am doing it this week!  May be it will be a good way to keep me accountable, truthful to myself.  We’ll see how it goes.

Breakfast:

Wegman's Lite English Muffin, Low Fat Cream Cheese, Wilkin's Strawberry Perserves (4)

Wegman’s Lite English Muffin, Low Fat Cream Cheese, Wilkin’s Strawberry Perserves (4+)

photo 2

Shakeology Smoothie – 1/2 Scoop Shakeology, 1 cup Skim Milk, Strawberries, 1/2 banana (4 P+)

photo 3

Coffee w/ Fat Free Half and Half (1P+)

Clementines (0P+)

Clementines (0P+) There were many of these

Not pictured:

  • Snyders of Hanover Nibblers (16 nibblers) – 3P+
  • 1/2 cup low fat coffee ice cream – 4P+
  • 2nd Cup of Coffee w/ Fat free half and half – 1P+

Water Count: 20+24+

That’s where I stopped.

I have a really hard time remembering to take pictures before I just start eating.  Yesterday started off well, because I was working from home, and took time preparing my meals for the first part of the day.  Then I got really busy, you know working, and then I had to shower and get ready to leave for class.  I was out the door by 3:00 pm and it took me over an hour to get to campus (about 16 miles from my house) because of the roads.  Everything was okay except for my neighborhood, and Braddock Road – the main road leading to campus.  Once on campus I was shocked to see that the main road (Patriot Circle) looked like it hadn’t been touched.  The parking lots were worse.

I parked on an incline of a snow bank.  Not joking.

I got to class, on time thankfully, and then hunkered down because my exposed skin walking to class was stinging and on fire from the extremely cold wind.

Bathroom Selfies Are Kind Of My Thing.

Class was class.  The teacher doesn’t really seem friendly or approachable.  Most of the time when I’ve asked questions in the past about an assignment or clarification on something else, I’ve received an answer.  This time I was met with “It’s in the Syllabus.”

Wow.

If this wasn’t a required course, and I hadn’t already bought the books, I would have simply dropped it last night.  I wish I had a different professor.  The only nice thing about this, is that it meets mostly online.  I can most likely do the larger projects pretty much in a weekend, so I am not worried about that aspect.  I might bang them out tomorrow really, since I am home from work with my flexed holiday.

I have my second class tonight, which was recommended to me by Zenkov (The most amazing Professor to have ever lived) so I am sure it will be at least captivating.  The one saving grace I have for this semester is that my classes are from 4:30 – 7:10.  SO AT LEAST I’m not getting out at 10:00 pm and then getting home close to 11, and then winding down by midnight and waking up at 6:00 am.

So far I am kind of “Eh” about this semester.  I met some people last night that kind of worry me about what I am getting myself into, and I am still unsure about how to go about actually getting through this.  Frankly, if I pass the Praxis this February (you know the 4th time I’ve taken it) then I figure I can do anything.  But I am not very confident in that respect.  I am also really scared of not passing, and then never passing, and jumping off a bridge.

But one step at a time.

I’m fully tracked for the day, and looking at food and food intake as something I can control.  I didn’t workout yesterday, as my legs were sore, and my heart wasn’t in it.  I doubt I’ll get the chance to workout today as I won’t get home till about 7:45 – 8:00 pm and by then exhaustion will have set in.  I plan on 5 miles tomorrow morning, and then a weight workout just to get me back into the groove of two a day workouts.  I notice I feel more empowered when I bust through those.  I am exhausted, but empowered.

My races are coming up quick, so it’s time to kick it into full gear.  As long as the sidewalks are clear this weekend, I’m doing 8 miles.  There.  I said it.  So I must do it.

xoxoxoxoxox

Weekly Weigh In – @Weightwatchers – Week 7


Week: 7
Difference: +0.4
Total Pounds Lost: 5.0
Emotion: Eh, no biggie

I wasn’t sure how the scale would react this week, and while I am always hoping for a loss, this little one isn’t going to phase me.  I need to focus on my eating more than anything, and while I tend to let loose on the weekends, I need to remember to track those excursions, instead of simply saying “Oh I’m good with my weekly points”.  I know many of us tend to do just that.

This weekend, we have another Holiday work party, and I plan on not going crazy over the drinks, food, and desserts. I would like to leave that party feeling as good as I arrived in my sparkly dress.

I’ve kicked up my running a bit in the past week, which I think will help a lot.

I took yesterday off because my legs were still a bit still from the stupid elliptical on Wednesday.  I know if they are sore, it’s because I worked them hard, but at the same time, I hate the elliptical.  I would rather run for the rest of my life on a treadmill and never race again than be on that stupid machine.

Today is another lunch time workout with my coworker.  I am pretty sure I will stick to running – most likely only 2.5ish miles, and then do 4 miles tomorrow.  We don’t have a lot of time at lunch, and I also have to shower today because I am going to see my professor later, and then we also want to get chipotle.  OH my schedule.

Here is a random question…

If you know something is wrong, and you do it anyways, and then feel horrible about it, what does that say about you?  This could be with regards to food, life choices, etc.  But what if you know that what you are doing something wrong, and before it you feel apprehensive and anxious, and then you do it anyways?

I get this way with food, large purchases, drinking too much, etc.  What do you do to make it right?  Do you apologize?  Do you forgive yourself?  Do you vow never to do it again?

I’m just wondering how I can – week after week – make these horrible choices and then feel horrible about them, to only make more horrible choices.