Current State Of Mind #1


One of my favorite blogs to read is one I found not too long ago – Olive To Run is inspirational, hilarious, and a really great read.  I always want to go run like 20 miles after reading one of her posts.  Today she posted her “Current State of Mind” and I decided to play along and fill out her little survey as well.

 

I feel… like I am starting over.  It’s as if every struggle from before is gone, erased, and I am left with this clean slate.  While daunting, and scary, I feel somewhat at peace.

I want… to focus on the important things, the stuff that matters, not the fluff, window dressing, and drama that seems to take up my time.

I need… to find joy in the people around me, not the things.  I need to center myself with those who care about me, and forget those who don’t.

I have… little to no patience, and I have to make this change.  I have to sit and know that in time things will work out as they should.

I am thankful for… My family, my friends, this blog, my job, my schooling, my legs for letting me run, the things in life I seem to forget when something goes wrong. Those things don’t go away, and I shouldn’t let the negativity shroud them.

I would like to… Give back everything that my parents, and my husband have given me.  Their support in every way is why I am here, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them.

I dream about… How things will be when I am accepting of myself.

I prefer… to think of life as a weekend separated by work weeks.

I listen… not enough to God.  But I need to step back, shut up, and wait for his direction.

I appreciate… those quiet moments when I can stop thinking and just breathe it all in.

I know… that where I am now, is not where I will always be.  I know that with time, I will find my footing and my path and it will be glorious.

Can you believe it’s been 12 years since the 9/11 attacks?  I am still emotional about the subject, and this morning on the radio it seemed every station was playing some rendition of a sad song with clips intermixed from the news that day.  While I am sure I could fill an entire weeks worth of posts about how I felt, where I was, and the aftermath in my life, I’ve decided to simply state that I am proud to be an American.  Regardless of where politically you stand, we all stand under the same flag.  I am united in the thought that I am – as you are – lucky to be in this great land, and we are living in the best time of our history.  It might not seem as such with all of the negativity swirling around, but really, in comparison, we are not going backwards.  We are moving forward, and there will be more good days ahead.

I’m excited about my run this afternoon.  I am planning on 5 miles, and with the weather the way it is it will be on the treadmill.  I am just resigning myself to being a treadmill runner until it snows.  Okay, maybe not that long, but for a while at least.  Bring on Grey’s Season 3 on DVD!

It’s Wednesday and we are having Fish Tacos!  I am so excited about this.  SO SO SO excited about this.  I love me some fish tacos.  Just had to get that out there.

  • What are you doing today to be active?
  • Whats for dinner?
  • What’s your current state of mind?

Newsworthy:

24 Days till the Half Marathon!

Not Liking Yourself


I am guilty of being entirely negative about myself on a minute by minute basis.  I need (or at least I think I need) constant reassurance, and affirmation on myself in pretty much every aspect of life.  I know this is annoying to everyone who comes in contact with me, and I know it makes me hard to be around.  I sense my neediness is the number one reason why I didn’t have many friends in High School or College and why the few I did have are no longer in my life.  I get anxious when planning get together’s with people because I instantly feel uncomfortable walking out of my house, driving to a location, and then having to make conversation for a indefinite amount of time.

While I am outgoing, it’s all forced and awkward.  I have to tell myself to shut up at times because I know my topics are usually inappropriate or not interesting.

I find this happens a lot with my husbands coworkers.  We will be in a situation where I am ‘forced’ to converse and I bring up things like Credit Limits, or how I got alcohol poisoning on Jason’s 21st Birthday Weekend.

I feel awkward in 99% of clothes (the 1% being my PJs).  This summer My husband and I went to the beach, and I didn’t even get in the water because I was so self conscious about how I looked in my bathing suit.  I know that made him sad.  I know all he wanted was for me to be at ease and comfortable in one of his favorite places, but I couldn’t make myself.

I am 100% content being a shut in and watching TV or Movies and living vicariously through the other people in my life who are off gallivanting the world doing amazing, beautiful, amazing things.  I’m comfortable at home singing along to Sara Bareilles while thinking up story lines, and writing in my journals, this blog, or just on scrap paper.  The deck in my backyard is my largest venture out that I can still feel at ease in.

There are times where the anxiety builds so much, I come across as a selfish bitch that turns to her husband and says “I need to leave.”  I get the sweats, and shakes, and a headache.  Yesterday, at my Dad’s birthday dinner, I had chest pains through the majority of the outing because of the closeness of our group at the small table.  I was against the wall, and the screaming child behind me through 80% of the meal just became almost too much.

I can be okay, I can be safe, I can be in control in my house.

But I’m really not.  It’s obvious I am not.  This is why there are so many things we want to do, but we don’t.  I want to go to Africa next summer for a missions trip, and while now, with it millions of days away, I am at ease with the choice to go, I am thinking of the months leading up to it, and how flying across the Atlantic Ocean – Alone – will be terrifying.  How the irrational fears jump up inside me and that voice in my head – The one that sounds like Morgan Freeman (Because he narrates my life, even the bad parts) – says “Don’t do it.  You know better.  You leave these walls, you leave your shelter.”

So what do I do?

Do I go back to my doctor, and tell her the crazy pills she put me on aren’t working – in fact they have made me worse to the point of where I have stopped taking them completely, and now the paranoia, depression, and anxiety is crushing?

Do I just run more? and harder?

Do I wallow?

Jason wants me to go back to the doctor.  I think he is right, but at the same time taking those meds is like putting in ear plugs at a concert.  You can still hear the music, but it’s muffled  and the moment isn’t the same.  I don’t want to lose bits and pieces of myself because of this condition.

I barely slept last night – like I can tell you exactly every time I looked at the clock and I saw every hour of my sleepless night shown in red glowing numbers.  I barely slept knowing I would write this post, and all the people from my past that still read this blog to snicker, or write hateful, hurtful comments (which is why I approve every comment now, because I was deleting upwards of 10-15 a day from people.. I know who they are because they have IP addresses that give their secrets away), or those who tell other people in their lives how horrible I am, and then it gets back to my husband.

He is the real victim in this.  He wasn’t made privy to my carelessness for my own existence.  He wasn’t given the full scope of what he was legally binding himself to.  He says he doesn’t care, and that he loves me anyway, but I can see the draining tiredness in his eyes when I say – for the millionth time – I’m just sad.

So I am trying something new, today, in fact.

photoI love this shirt I am wearing.  It’s a great color, comfortable fabric, looks good with jeans or dress pants (and most likely a skirt too, but I’m covered in mosquito bites, so until tights can be worn, I’ll never know).  I think it fits me well, and judging by this forced smile in my picture, I like how I look in it.

I ran 10 miles on Friday.  10 miles.  Depending on who is reading this, 10 miles might be a warm up for you, or something you never think you will accomplish.  But I did it anyways.

I’m in my last semester before my internship starts in the Spring.  As long as I pass the Praxis II in October – I will be venturing into a new career – which is both terrifying and amazing at the same time.

Today is my Dad’s 61st Birthday.  He is truly a rock on which I lean a lot.  I need to remember his strength and faith when I forget my own.

I am loved, even if only by few, those people count – and in talent, personality, and character they outweigh the negative people that are no longer in my life.

It’s a process, one I am trying to get the hang of.

xox

Workout Recap : September 2 – September 8


Another week down!

Monday September 2 : 5 Mile Run – 53’06″ (495 Calories)

I ran 5 miles on Sunday and this was more of a “I need to keep my mileage up” run, so I wasn’t aiming for speed – which is pretty much my mentality always and forever – I felt good through most of the run, towards the end my ankle started to complain but I stuck it out. Thank you Grey’s Anatomy!

Tuesday September 3 – REST DAY

So with the first day of schools being back in session, it took me FOREVER and a day to get to work this morning, meaning I can’t jet out early to get my workout done. I still have to go home and take care of the dogs, but with my lack of sleep last night the most I am going to do is wash my hair and blow it out before leaving for class tonight. I know I know. I could get in a quick workout, but when you need a rest day, you need a rest day. The rest of the week will be filled with running fun – because after one day of strength training I fell off that wagon again… After the half marathon, I’ll be more apt to abuse my body in that way, but for now, I gotta keep my mileage up.

Wednesday September 4 – 5 Mile Run – 52’45″ (535 Calories)

This run was interesting. My legs felt like lead. I am not sure why they are feeling heavier as opposed to more efficient. But it could have just been a bad day, these things happen – they happen often – but it makes the really good runs REALLY GOOD.

Thursday September 5 – 3 Mile Shakeout Run – 30’56″ (399 Calories)

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My legs felt pretty good during this run. I was just not feeling it. I got home and was like “NO. I DON’T WANT TO.” Then I realized that I just needed to put my shoes on. So I got dressed, got my shoes on, and then like a light switch I became a machine that just went through the motions, and then – it was done. Fancy how that works. I was drained by the time I got to class, and I think I yawned like 6 times in 2 minutes. I am sure my group felt great having me around, not really.

Friday September 6 – 10 Mile Run – 1:45:55 (1008 Calories)

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I effing did it. Wow, I forgot how long that took to accomplish. I need to be faster. If I was faster I would get it done quicker and then I’d not be running for so long. I’m sure that’s how the other runners are so happy, because they are faster so they don’t have to do it as long. It’s the longness that bothers me. But it’s all good. Next week will be amazing.

Saturday September 7 – Rest Day (Stretch, ice, hydrate)

I felt massive all day.  I hate how that happens on rest days.  I hate how I feel like I am automatically back at my starting weight 6 years ago just because I take a day off.  I am also hitting that point in the month that every girl loathes, so that is not helping.  BUT I must say my day – food wise – could have been worse.

Sunday September 8 – Strength & 1 mile Run (341 calories)

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Oh between the hangover and my body just not wanting to run, this is the best I could do!  I wanted to run, but I also didn’t.  I think I am hitting that point where I am getting burned out.  So I decided to strength train instead of forcing myself to run, and it helped so much.  I also miss strength training. So I think I am bouncing back to 2 times a week:

  • Run Days: M, W, F
  • Strength Days: Th, Sun

We’ll see how this goes.  I’ll be doing HIIT on the days that I strength train too, so I’ll still get some running done in there, but it won’t be how I have been – so my weekly mileage will drop :-(

 

  • Weekly Miles: 24 Miles
  • Weekly Calorie Burn: 2778 Calories
  • Monthly Miles (so Far): 29 Miles
  • Year to Date Miles: 585.1 Miles

Feeling Fall


It seems that the one day we have that feels like the beginning of October, I get emails from like every clothing store touting their new fall looks.  After picking my faves from Banana Republic (My go to store) I found even more from other places!  Here are my picks so far this year… I’m sure I’ll have even more updates as the weeks go on…

 

And of course….

While it looks Turquoise, What Kate Wore  explains:

Banana Republic Facebook

Banana Republic Facebook

Above, a Banana Republic Facebook post about the dilemma. Below, the graphic accompanying that post.

Banana Republic Facebook

 

 

 

Fall Fashions I Am Lusting After


Anyone that knows me, knows that I love the cooler weather.  I really like winter, but that is far far far away… so I’ll take Fall for now.

Well as I was sweating in my car my email buzzed on my phone from Banana Republic, announcing their Fall New Looks!  This of course made me automatically start thinking of changing leaves, a nip in the air and pumpkins.

Here are some of my favorite things from their fall collection so far…

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Weigh In: Face It Friday #SkinnySnowman


WI: -0.0
Total Lost: -40.8
Emotion: Eh

  • I need to step back and look at my choices completely.  I know I haven’t been on plan and frankly this ‘maintain’ of weight is kind of a blessing.  It could have been worse.  I could have gained weight this week.  I could have gained a lot of weight this week.
  • I am going to do my best to stick to the plan.  I am also going to move more.  I know it seems like I workout a lot, but I don’t.  I focus on 1 workout and then the minute that is over I’m like “BOOM.  DONE.”  There was no reason for me not to lift after my run yesterday, but I didn’t.  I didn’t even do my planned ab work.  My stomach is not happy about this.  It has dreams of being flat and toned.  I’m holding it back.
  • If you are having any sort of “UGH” moment – read this article.  It made me smile. (Totally safe for work)
  • Tonight is my work Christmas party – Holiday party – whatever.  It’s at a steakhouse, and we don’t have the menu ahead of time so I am going to try and pick the meal that has the least amount of damage associated with it.  I am also going to watch my intake of alcohol because I can’t get drunk – again – in front of my coworkers, and because I am running tomorrow (And Lifting!).
  • I plan on helping myself negate some of the damage tonight by doing my CrossFit At Home workout from Tuesday.  I had a blast doing it, and I felt strong afterward.  I am going to try and  up the weights a bit this go around and see what happens.  I might injure myself, I might just enjoy myself.  I want to live heavy darn it!
  • I think what it comes down to is my eating habits.  My sweet tooth gets the best of me, and frankly, it needs to stop.  I am going on a Sugar detox.  Not an actual one where I read labels and stuff, but like a “I know this cupcake has sugar in it so I will not eat all of it it.  I won’t go trolling the office for candy like I do most afternoons -this makes me sound horrible – and I will go back to my “Sugar Free” drinks at Starbucks (black coffee with truvia.)
  • I made an awesome dinner last night of baked chicken and sweet potatoes.  I was like licking the plate.  My God I love that combination.  I also love the fact that it’s chock full of protein and good carbs and good fiber.
  • Food Pushers have entered the office.  Danish.  Bagels.  Breakfast Pastries.  No.  I am not going to go to the office.  I am not going to go to the office.  I will stay FAR AWAY FROM THEIR OFFICE. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS.
  • I just found out I got a B in Linguistics!  HOLLA.  I sent in my final endorsement form to GMU for analysis, and bought my text books for next semester for my second class.  I can’t believe this is actually happening.  TPWSNBN got his bonus so I paid off the credit card and transferred the rest to our savings account – which we now have enough to pay for my tuition completely next year without having to dip into any of our normal funds or take a loan out.
  • Things are looking up, so why am I waiting for the fall out?  Ugh that other shoe has to drop right?

Plan for today:

Untitled

 

  • Breakfast: 2 eggs on English muffin w/ Cream cheese & Coffee
  • Snack: Banana
  • Lunch: Garbage salad of onions, carrots, eggs, walnuts, cheese, apple with balsamic; yogurt, diet pepsi
  • Snack: Luna Bar
  • Dinner: Work Holiday Party – Reign in the Control

xoxoxoxox Happy Friday!

Wednesday Wallop #Skinnysnowman


  • I am supposed to give blood today at 9:15 am and as long as my iron levels are up to par, I will be.  I was supposed to give platelets, but that donor option was removed as the facility couldn’t function today (whatever that means) so I got a phone call on my way to work asking if I could donate blood and the blood donor mobile in our parking lot.  I said sure, why not.  We’ll see if I am able though.  So if I am able, today becomes a rest day, if not I’ll be running 3.1 miles at home and then doing ab work.
    • 30 crunches
    • 1 minute plank
    • 30 bicycles
    • 30 russian twists
  • My Linguistics teacher isn’t posting grades until the 19th of December because that is when they are ‘due’.  I find this to be unacceptable.  I turned in all of my stuff early – which she asked for – and she can’t even return the favor by giving us our grades early?  UGH.
  • I look really cute today though.  I should have had TPWSNBN take a picture of me before I left for work, but I didn’t.  I am wearing purple mary-jane heels, grey tights, a blueish pencil skirt, and a grey cardigan with little sparkles on it.  I feel pretty.  I also kind of feel a bit like a fashionista, because I am sure in most circles this outfit would be judged.  Only because I am not my normal monochromatic self of black and a base color, but nonetheless, I like it.  I also like wearing skirts.
  • I don’t own nearly enough girly clothes.
  • I am so unmotivated in the mornings.  I made myself breakfast and felt like I deserved an award for it.  I was like “I SCRAMBLED EGGS!” I took some food advice and ditched the English muffin today and had half a sweet potato baked with salt and pepper, and then two scrambled eggs on the side.  So far so good.
    • Breakfast: 1/2 Sweet Potato, 2 scrambled eggs, coffee
    • Snack: Trutein Vanilla Protein Drink
    • Lunch: Spinach Salad with veggies and hard boiled eggs, yogurt, carrots
    • Snack: Banana
    • Dinner: Chicken Breast with baked Sweet Potato (I may put mine over spinach and skip the sweet potato.. depends how I feel)
  • Is it bad I kind of hope that they can’t take blood, so I can workout today?  That is horrible right?
  • I just remembered I have a merchandise credit at H&M.  This will solve my need of pencil skirts.
  • I am sorry for my haphazardness.

That's about right.

  • I am so ready for time off work.  SO READY.  I am just at the point where I couldn’t give less of a crap about the project.  I need to not care for 8 days.  I need to sit back and relax and sleep, and run, and lift, and eat right and start the new year off refreshed. 

  • I concur pictogram. I concur.