Wanting Versus Being Committed

I think with many things in life, there is a blurred line between wanting the result and being committed to getting the result.

Getting an A on a paper in school, doing well on a project at work, keeping your marriage on the right path, moving to a new location, finding that dream job, being happy, and of course losing weight.

I think on and off over the past 5 years of my weight loss journey I have flirted with wanting to lose weight (When the pounds kind of come off and then I plateau) and being committed to losing weight (when the pounds simply drop).   I realized this morning that pretty much for the past year I have been in the wanting mindset over the committed mindset more so than not.  This is troublesome because frankly, you would think, that if you want something bad enough, it should just happen right?

I’ve got an arsenal of blogs that are motivating, inspirational and exactly what I need to hear constantly being updated in my reader – SO YOU WOULD THINK IT WOULD JUST CLICK RIGHT?

Well, it does and then it doesn’t.  It clicks when I am reading it.  It clicks for hours afterward.  I am motivated, content, and ready and then something (Anger, Depression, stress, boredom) hits and I’m back to my old ways.

That was until I read the post from Run Roll Repeat today.  She went home and was surrounded by temptation of fried food and still managed to stay on track.  I was like “HOW?” and then I realized.  She is committed to losing weight, not just flirting with the idea.

Then I started thinking about other people’s blogs I read.

Runs For Cookies Lost over 100 pounds, and has kept it off.  She runs Marathons!

She’s Losing It is an incredible blog about a mom who got incredibly fit while still being a mom

Healthy Tipping Point is of course my go to for running advice and recipes that are both delicious and healthy.  She is informative without beating it into you.

BitchCakes is one of my biggest role models.   She lost 100 pounds and is now training for the NYC Marathon this year.  She is kick ass, and it still curvy and didn’t try to fit herself into some skinny mold.

The Spicy Simmer is a great blog with cooking and CSA goodies.  She has amazing mouth watering recipes and a great personality.  Very motivational in the kitchen.

You’d think with all of this wealth of knowledge, I’d be set.

The fact is, I am set.  I have more than enough ability and knowledge with these few blogs to master whatever I want in my weight loss journey.

The commitment just hasn’t been there.  I can run and run and run and lift and lift and lift alllllllllllll I freaking want, and it will make no difference if I eat like crap.  I need to be mindful.  I am going to be mindful.

I have tracked my day out, and I am planning on a run this afternoon once I get home.  I am excited to start lifting next week after the Half Marathon is over.  I am also working to clean up my diet.  I know I eat mostly healthy, but I am not eating the right things to keep me satiated.

I’m also not drinking nearly enough water.  So here starts my plan of being committed to losing weight.  Come hell or high water.  I just want to be back to where I was this time last year (about 10 pounds less), and then I can work from there.

Today’s Plan:

  • Breakfast: 1 slice Ezekiel Bread 1/2 TBSP of Better n’ Peanut butter, Yogurt and blueberries & Coffee
  • Snack: WATER
  • Lunch: Southwest Salad (Ready Pac brand), Yogurt, Apple, Turkey Muffins
  • Snack: WATER
  • Dinner: Spinach and Feta Turkey Muffins & Mac and Cheese (Light)
  • Activity: 2-3 Miles on treadmill


French Press

Our coffee machine broke like a week ago, so we – in our broke state (THANKS TUITION AND CARS) are saving some cash and using the French Press(es) we have already.  It’s actually kind of nice.  The coffee tastes cleaner, and smoother, and even sweeter.  It’s a nice change from the normal way of things.

I was going to run yesterday but that didn’t happen.  My legs were really bad yesterday afternoon so instead I soaked in scalding water and Epsom salt.

Run To The Finish gives the low down with a comparison to Ice Baths (WHICH I HATE):

The ice bath…it’s one of the most dreaded and most loved long run recovery tools.  I will admit to having tried it a few times, but that was back when I lived in Kansas City and it was like 32 degrees outside to start with…so yes I really, really hated it.

At that point, I turned to Epsom salt baths after my long runs and for the most part I haven’t looked back (except after that 19 miler in 100 degree temps here).  It’s very likely that I will embark on more ice baths next year when the temps rise with my distance, but for now I am going to stick to the Epsom salt.

icecubeCauses muscles to tighten and drains the blood, once you step out blood starts flowing and in theory this flushes lactic acid and speeds recovery.

icecubeReduces swelling and tissue break down

icecubeNo major studies can agree on whether or not this works…but if you think it works well with running that’s generally all that matters.

saltBody more easily absorbs magnesium through the skin than in a pill this results in a number of benefits.

saltReduces inflammation
Eliminates toxins which helps to easy muscle pain

saltImproved nerve functions by regulating electrolytes

Helps your adrenaline glands ensure they have enough magnesium, which they likely do not after a run because it causes so much stress on the body.


101 Running Tips also has an article on this!

Who’d a thunk?

So this whole Government Shutdown thing – I know it’s the big elephant screwing up people’s lives, but I really don’t want to hash through it here.  There are people on both sides and frankly, I am not gonna drum up anymore drama here than I already have (you are more than welcome to find me on Facebook and see my rants there :-) )

Today’s Plan:

  • Breakfast: Yogurt, Blueberries, Coffee
  • Snack: Banana
  • Lunch: Salad, Yogurt, apple, Turkey Muffins
  • Snack: Protein Shake w/ Water
  • Dinner: Ezekiel Bread w/ Peanut Butter & Iced Coffee
  • Activity: 3 Mile Run

There is a chance that race might be cancelled for Sunday… :-(

From Wilson Bridge Half Marathon: WE WILL BE MAKING AN ANNOUNCEMENT ON WEDNESDAY MORNING ON THE STATUS OF THE 2013 WWBH. At this time, we are in full preparation for a race on October 6.

I hope it still happens.  Worked too darn hard for this!

  • Is your job furloughed because of the shutdown?
  • Do you French Press your coffee?
  • What are you doing to be active today?


Perfect 10 Race Recap @PRRunning (10 Miler)

I was not really feeling good about this race at all in the past week.  My hip started acting up, I was tired from work and school, stressing about the future and this exam I have to take in 2 weeks, and this race was just not what I wanted to do.  I wanted to be back in my warm bed, not out in Reston running in 50 degree temps (EVEN THOUGH IT’S THE BEST TO RUN IN).

I just wasn’t feeling it.

I showed up anyways…. and we were off!

I started out pretty steady, running the first two miles at the pace I wanted.  I slowed a bit because I knew I had 8 more miles to go, and then that’s when my hip decided to rear it’s painful side.

I tried to run through it which worked for about 4 more miles, and then around mile 6 (consequently the turn off for the 10k) it was in complete pain.  I hobbled, jogged slowly and walked my way through the next 4 miles to the end where I ran through the finish line and promptly stopped.  I was exhausted, and in pain, and severely thirsty.

On My Way to the race

On My Way to the race

Action Shot!

Action Shot!

A really dark grainy shot of me coming up to the finish!

A really dark grainy shot of me coming up to the finish!

The Medal

It was a learning experience, and it totally killed my nerves for next weekends Half Marathon.  I’ll be okay, and this not caring about time thing, is really helping.

So here is me in a Banana Suit

So here is me in a Banana Suit

Today I am going home and running a few miles on the treadmill at a slower than slow pace to recover my legs.  I’ll be doing a strength training workout regime starting next week that I am uber Excited to tell you about!


Edit: I have to say, that if you are in Virginia or DC and want to run a great series of races – Potomac River Running is the best.  Their coordination, routes, and race support are unmatched.  You get free photos and the staff are truly the nicest people ever.

I’m Accepting Things

Last night with the amounting stress of not being able to get the New iPhone 5s, my husband and I were forced to drive home from Tysons Corner Mall empty handed.  For whatever asinine reason this kind of set me off.  I’m not saying that I am actually stressed about this, but it was a glimmer of something to look forward to this afternoon and it didn’t happen.

We were sitting on the couch watching the new SVU episodes, and I just turned to Jason and said “I feel like I have no control.”

That is what it has felt like.  It is as if everything I am doing is for nothing.  All the studying, the preparing, the running, the attempt at eating healthy, everything.  It’s getting me nowhere.

He simply said to me “But you do have control.  That is all you have.”

He was, and usually is, right.

I have to accept things as they are if I ever plan on moving forward.  I have to accept what will happen if I don’t pass this exam, and I have to be okay with it.  So this is what will happen in list form if I don’t pass:

  • I can’t start my student teaching until Fall 2014
  • I will have to remain at this job until late August of 2014
  • I will be able to take classes next semester towards my Masters – they will just be electives
  • I will be able to save more money up in order to help when I do leave my current position
  •  I will have more time to adequately prepare for my exam which I can then take again in December 2013

That list isn’t so scary, right?  I mean, yes, I had plans to quit.  I had plans of being employed in my new career in fall of 2014.   I HAD PLANS.  But that’s the problem.  They were my plans.

I spent a good portion of last night praying after Jason had fallen asleep and simply asked God if I am working on his timetable.  If not, could he please put me on it.  I asked for peace with whatever type of path it is, and I asked for comfort in knowing that if this all gets delayed (in my mind, right on time in his) that I will not find myself as a failure.  I think that is my biggest problem right now.  I am terrified of this somehow making me a loser or a failure if I don’t follow some arbitrary plan I have for myself.  It will mean I don’t progress with my current program group, and while that is sad, it’s not the end of the world.  I can live vicariously through them, still meet them for drinks, and still hang out, and get there insider info.

I have to accept some other things too:

  1. I’m never going to get where I want to be with my weight until I accept myself as I am now.  It’s difficult, and daunting, but I have to love myself as I am in order to want change.  Hating yourself makes this whole eating healthy and working out thing seem like punishment or a chore. It makes everything seem like work, and no one likes work.
  2. I can not have certain things in the house no matter how much I tell myself at the grocery store, that I can exercise restraint.  Nope, I can’t.  I can’t have cereal, ice cream, desserts, pretzels, etc.  I have to get this through my head.
  3. I SPEND WAY TOO MUCH MONEY.  I need to stop doing this because frankly it’s just stressing me out more, and making things harder on Jason.
  4. Being Self Deprecating is only cute for a while – then you just become annoying.  I have crossed the threshold into annoying, and it happened a long time ago.

There are many more things, I am sure, but right now these are at the top of my list.  I am going to work on making these a reality in my life, and only then will I be able to change.


Finding the Words

I go to a psychiatrist.  I am trying to go back to therapy.  I find that attaining the right, perfect for you therapist, is harder than finding that person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Realizing Jason was the one, was one of the easiest things I have ever done.  Keeping our marriage strong and intact, is work, and it’s hard, but it’s worth it.

Finding a therapist on the other hand is EXCEPTIONALLY difficult.  For me to be able to be that open.  That naked.  That vulnerable – with someone I am also paying?  It’s not easy.

I’ve talked with about 4 in the past two weeks on the phone.  None of them seem right.  Either their voice is annoying, their hours suck, or they want me to chant.

I don’t chant.

I don’t care if it will solve all of my problems.  I can’t take it seriously.  Sorry to those of you that chant, and chant often.  It’s just not for me.

I had a monumental disaster of a day yesterday food wise.  I was eating for comfort – and it was bad.  I am stressed about so much right now, it’s literally making me sick.  I can’t tell you how many times yesterday when I was woofing down food like a hippo in the Hungry Hungry Hippo game that I felt nauseated, and gross.  There was a point where I had eaten so much crap, I was sweating.  I couldn’t keep my body upright because the surge of sugar crap that I haven’t eaten in ages was being fought by my body.

Today is a new day.

I am going to run this afternoon and I have a great dinner planned.  I am trying not to focus on what I think other people are thinking of me, but when I look at my own self, my own life, and I see how incredibly fucked up it is in my head, I can’t help but think that everyone else is thinking the same thing.  Or worse.

I need to stop caring what everyone thinks, because they don’t wake up as me everyday.  I know I have it great by pretty much every standard out there.  I am employed, I am in school, I have a great husband and family, two amazing dogs, quality friends, and a house.  I am in relatively low debt considering how much I shop randomly, and I am loved.

I find joy in these things, I am not ungrateful.

It’s just the joy chips away when the newness wears off.  I have that sad cloud over me pretty much 95% of the time.  I wake up in the middle of the night, sad, and then go into the bathroom to cry so I don’t wake up Jason.  I’ll cuddle up with one of my dogs on the floor just to feel something next to me (Jason gets really overheated when he sleeps, and he snores, so I stay away from him mostly – still love you!).

I have relentless stressed filled dreams from dying to failing at the Praxis II again – and everything in between.

That’s where my head is at this moment.


p.s. to the Giveaway winner – I swear I am going to stop at the Post Office to drop off the box.  I’ve just not been really capable of functioning lately.

Tuesday Things

Oh it’s fall.  It’s gorgeous out.  It’s the perfect amount of cool, and crisp, where I can snuggle in my boots and my sweater and let me hair go naturally curly without the worry of frizz.

It’s also when my eating goes crazy.

I had a doughnut the size of my head this morning.  If anyone has any idea how big that is, you are feeling just as sick as I do now.  So to take my mind off of my now gross stomach, and the fact that I feel like my body is falling apart, I have decided to do some “Online Window Shopping” Tuesday Things Edition:

This coat is gorgeous.  I love the color, the cuff detail, everything.  I am not sure how thick it is, or how warm it would be, but I am sure with normal winter clothes underneath it would be great for the temperatures of my region (Washington DC area) – most likely not warm enough for like Stockholm Sweden or anything :-)

It’s very functional in it’s cut, and with pearls and high heels, it would work great for a office holiday party on the more casually dressed side.  I love the color, and the quilted pattern.  The belled out sleeves are a beautiful touch as well.

I am loving all the Cobalt Blue everywhere this season.  It’s always been one of my favorite colors, but I only seem to own it in dress or shirt form.  I would love these shoes, I think they would look great with a grey skirt and bold colored blouse!

On the more casual comfy side, who wouldn’t love this cable knit sweater?  I can see the breath in the air, long scarves, hot cocoa in mugs, and the pink on my nose now.  Oh the longing of winter is heavy on my shoulder.  I miss snow, and this sweater reminds me of that cold smell.

Yes, I know I just got my first pair of Hunter Rain Boots, but now I am kind of obsessed, and want them in almost every color, material, etc.  I love these.  I love the pink – it adds a fun element.  They would be great with a pair of leggings and over sized bright sweater!

Simply cute, and pretty much could be rocked at a formal event or everyday.  You be the judge.

While all of these would be amazing additions to my closet, I am broker than broke, so I will be buying none of them.  I will simply look from afar, and smile knowing there are women out there rocking each of these items, and looking stellar in them.

I will be mostly rocking these for the rest of my life, as my mind doesn’t seem to understand the idea of healthy eating and losing weight, means no doughnuts.  Especially after you’ve had one, don’t go looking for seconds.  *stomach grumble/Mental negativity*

Workout Recap: September 9 – September 15

WAHOOO Another Week of Training down! 21 Days till the Half Marathon!

Monday September 9 – 4 Mile Run – 42’30″ (471 calories)

It was a good run! I thought about just making it 5 miles but, I’m trying to not burn out. My legs thanked me. My mind and body are tired so this is what I call giving myself a break.  I felt good throughout, and wore my second new pair of Brooks Ghost 5s – I was told once by another running to buy two pairs of running shoes so you can switch them out periodically so they wear evenly and then they last longer.  I will see if this is in fact true!

Tuesday September 10 – Strength Training & HIIT (1 -2 Miles) – Upper Body / Abs (227 Calories)

3 Sets of 12 Reps:

  • Shoulder Press
  • Crunches
  • Tricep Dips
  • Reverse Crunches
  • Side Lateral Raise
  • Back Extension
  • Single Arm Row (Each Side)
  • 20 Minutes of HIIT

It was really nice to lift again.  Oh it was nice.  I was to tired to lift a camera to my face for an after workout picture, so I simply just took one of me overly excited at school:



Wednesday September 11 – 5 Mile Run – 52’57″ –  (588 Calories)


So I decided I would run outside on the hottest day of the week.  Go me.  After 2.3 miles I was like “NOPE.  DONE.”  So I turned around to head home (which was about 1/2 a mile away at this point if I cut through a side street) and then something happened.  Something inside of me was like “EFF THIS.” I reached down and pulled my tank top off that was glued to my skin with sweat.  I ran the last 1/2 mile home in my sports bra and capris.  THIS NEVER HAS EVER HAPPENED.  I don’t even let Jason watch me run on the treadmill when I take my tank top off.  I make him leave.  I really do. I finished up the last 2.2 miles at home on the treadmill with Grey’s Anatomy.  I decided to reward myself with this:

Pimm's and Ginger Ale

Pimm’s and Ginger Ale

Thursday September 12 – Rest Day

I went back and forth on whether or not this would be a rest day – but after I charted out my runs for the rest of the month, I decided yes.  I am running 11 miles tomorrow – WHICH I AM GOING OUTSIDE FOR – so I figure resting today can’t hurt.  Plus this means I can go home and blow out my hair and continue to read the smut I bought on my Kindle.  Yes that’s right.  I am finally reading 50 Shades of Grey.  I’m 9 chapters in and I am like embarrassed.  I’m also really confused as to how they are going to make this into a movie that you can go and see in public… like with other people.  This seems like the type of story that should be, like under the counter of some Video Connection that you have to have a passcode for. *shivers*

Friday September 13 – 11 Mile Run – 1:57:01 – (1169 Calories)



This was a hard run.  It’s my fault.  I did it on the treadmill because the anxiety of trying to find 11 miles on non-repeatable streets in my neighborhood proved daunting.  Plus the fact that it was a weird day in that I only got 4 hours of sleep, and I wanted so desperately to nap more than anything else I figured if I got to the point of where I couldn’t finish on the treadmill I could stop.  I was yelling at the treadmill as the distance mounted.  I never ran 11 miles for training for a half before.  It’s making me second guess my 12 miler this Friday.  Thoughts?  Should I scale back this week?  Next week is the 10 miler race and then it’s the half – so i am in the 3 week time period at this point.  Is that a taper time period?  I have no idea.  I just run.  I don’t follow adequate training plans that make sense.

Saturday September 14 – Rest Day

Bubble & Sqeak

Bubble & Squeak

I ate this on my rest day.  It was glorious.  It was positively the most delicious breakfast I have ever encountered.  I want it always.  More than always.  I want it to be constantly fed into my body.  It was food porn at it’s best.

Oh Look, my hair isn't always sweaty and in a bun

Oh Look, my hair isn’t always sweaty and in a bun

I tried a blow out tutorial for my hair, and I obviously need more practice.  Boy is it getting long…

Sunday September 15 – Strength Training & HIIT (1-2 Miles) – Lower Body (371 Calories)

I'm screaming on the inside

I’m screaming on the inside

3 Sets of 12 Reps:

  • Squats
  • Backwards Lunge (Each Side)
  • Jumping Jacks
  • Table to Donkey Kick (Each Side)
  • Deadlifts
  • 30 Second Wall Sit
  • Sumo Squats
  • 15 Minutes of HIIT


  • Weekly Mileage: 22.9 Miles
  • Weekly Caloric Burn: 2881 Calories
  • September Mileage: 51.9/100 (51.9% to Goal!)
  • Yearly Mileage: 608 Miles