• Has this year flown by so far for anyone else?  It seems like just yesterday I was freaking out about starting Graduate School and trying to figure out ways to fund it, not lose time for my training, and balance work and oh family and friends.  Now I am more than half way done with my first semester, and I am cataloging mistakes I’ve made along the way to make myself a better student, and hopefully, ultimately, a better teacher.  I have learned so much in the past 8 weeks that I am still kind of flustered that I was accepted to the program.  My mind is all a flutter today.

Fabulous Wine Induced Papers

• Right now I think the main focus I need to make for myself is my diet.  I know my issue is too much snacking (i.e. Bored eating) and the occasional (THANK GOD NOT FREQUENT) binge.  A lot of people think when they simply eat too much, it’s a binge, and may be for them it is.  I talk to my doctor the last time I was going through a binge period and she told me to write down everything – no matter how much or how bad – I ate during the binge.  So I did:
  • 2 sleeves of saltine crackers
  • 3 tortillas with hummus
  • 6 ounces of cheddar
  • 2 bowls (roughly 3 cups) of fat free vanilla ice cream
  • 2 diet cokes
  • 6 cookies (all we had in the house)
  • 1 bag of popcorn
  • 1 piece of wheat bread with Peanut Butter (about 2 TBSP)
• The only reason why I stop there (I know some of you are sick just looking at that list) is because the Husband came home and it was time for dinner, which I then also ate without issue.

Pre Race Fuel – but it’s consumed way too often – and not before many races.

• So what can I do?  My doctor – as many other bloggers who deal with the same issue – said I need to find the root of WHY.  Why am I having these binges?  Is it boredom?  I frankly shouldn’t have time for boredom.  Any free time I have should be focused on school work, exercise, or sleep.  Is it emotions?  I need to learn not to “Eat My feelings” and focus on why I am feeling what I am feeling, and realize it’s okay to be sad.  Food won’t make it better.  Food isn’t going to hug it out with me, it’s just going to me more upset.  Which is the kicker.  I am upset, so I overeat, then I am upset because I overate, and then think, what the hell, I’ll start over tomorrow and be “better”.  I am the Queen of starting over tomorrow.  I am the Queen of excuses.  But when your only pants are so tight they leave indention marks on you stomach (that spills over your waist band) and you can’t find anything to wear that lets you breathe adequately, and in a hasty decision you donated all of your bigger sizes, leaving you with LITERALLY no clothes to wear once it gets warmer out – you start to realize, there is no more tomorrow.  You are in your tomorrow.  Tomorrow is staring at you with a bitch face laughing at your mistakes, and shaking it’s finger when you say “But I’ll do better!” Because even it knows, unless you make a valiant effort – which you haven’t done in almost two years – you won’t do better.  You will do the same and with that you will see the same results = nada.

• I can’t go back so many steps to her, again.  I can’t go back to size 14, over 190 pounds, creeping towards 200 and look at myself in the mirror.  I can’t ‘wait for thin’ anymore.  I have to grab ‘healthy’.  It’s not so much a physical thing now, as it is mental.  I know what I have to do, but I have to want it, and need it.  
• I spent the better part of last night wishing for some miracle.  The Husband said “you aren’t going to wake up magically one day and be thin, you have to wait.  It takes time.”  He’s right, but while I am waiting, I need to focus on getting my head straight.

• I’m not the bride who almost couldn’t get her dressed zipped up and felt huge in her dress all day.  

• I can’t hide from pictures anymore for fear that I won’t like what I see.  I am not going to make some big ass confusing plan to change my ways.  I am simply going to track what I eat.  I will continue to workout.  We went grocery shopping last night, and not only did we spend like NO MONEY but I didn’t put trigger foods in my cart.  I am going to be more mindful, keep myself busy.  Pre-track my food everyday.  Give myself a chance to see what happens when I actually put 100% into this.  I miss the way I was when I first started.  I was a rock star.  I dropped 25 pounds in my first 6 weeks.  I was elated.  I couldn’t believe that this was happening.  Every year I’ve said this will be the year I get into a two piece.  Well this will be the year. 

• Because JCREW sells swim year round, I am not ordering it yet.  I am waiting till I get closer to our Beach Vacay in now August (was June, but because of summer session we had to move it) – But this is the plan.  It’s not flashy, and it’s not all that revealing.  But I hope to feel comfortable enough to put it on and slather myself in SPF 30000 and sit underneath an umbrella in dense shade for a few hours at a time at the beach. 

One day at a time.  That’s all I can do.  So that is all I will do.  Today I have pretracked my meals on Myfitnesspal and Weight Watchers.  I am still with in my calories and points, and I am planning on running 4 miles after work (I swear once it warms up and I am not a baby anymore, I’ll be running outside).  I feel great about the NROLFW program, as I finished up week 2 yesterday.  I am starting Week 3 on Wednesday and upping my weight from 15 pound dumb bells to 20 pounders!  Then I need to buy more plates to up my weight for the next two weeks after that.  I am excited because it is still challenging and I want to see the results.  I need to see them.

Food For Thought on a Tuesday

• An Out the Door Egg McMuffin Recipe
• Gaining Weight When Starting a New Exercise Plan is Normal