I go to a psychiatrist. I am trying to go back to therapy. I find that attaining the right, perfect for you therapist, is harder than finding that person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Realizing Jason was the one, was one of the easiest things I have ever done. Keeping our marriage strong and intact, is work, and it’s hard, but it’s worth it.
Finding a therapist on the other hand is EXCEPTIONALLY difficult. For me to be able to be that open. That naked. That vulnerable – with someone I am also paying? It’s not easy.
I’ve talked with about 4 in the past two weeks on the phone. None of them seem right. Either their voice is annoying, their hours suck, or they want me to chant.
I don’t chant.
I don’t care if it will solve all of my problems. I can’t take it seriously. Sorry to those of you that chant, and chant often. It’s just not for me.
I had a monumental disaster of a day yesterday food wise. I was eating for comfort – and it was bad. I am stressed about so much right now, it’s literally making me sick. I can’t tell you how many times yesterday when I was woofing down food like a hippo in the Hungry Hungry Hippo game that I felt nauseated, and gross. There was a point where I had eaten so much crap, I was sweating. I couldn’t keep my body upright because the surge of sugar crap that I haven’t eaten in ages was being fought by my body.
Today is a new day.
I am going to run this afternoon and I have a great dinner planned. I am trying not to focus on what I think other people are thinking of me, but when I look at my own self, my own life, and I see how incredibly fucked up it is in my head, I can’t help but think that everyone else is thinking the same thing. Or worse.
I need to stop caring what everyone thinks, because they don’t wake up as me everyday. I know I have it great by pretty much every standard out there. I am employed, I am in school, I have a great husband and family, two amazing dogs, quality friends, and a house. I am in relatively low debt considering how much I shop randomly, and I am loved.
I find joy in these things, I am not ungrateful.
It’s just the joy chips away when the newness wears off. I have that sad cloud over me pretty much 95% of the time. I wake up in the middle of the night, sad, and then go into the bathroom to cry so I don’t wake up Jason. I’ll cuddle up with one of my dogs on the floor just to feel something next to me (Jason gets really overheated when he sleeps, and he snores, so I stay away from him mostly – still love you!).
I have relentless stressed filled dreams from dying to failing at the Praxis II again – and everything in between.
That’s where my head is at this moment.
p.s. to the Giveaway winner – I swear I am going to stop at the Post Office to drop off the box. I’ve just not been really capable of functioning lately.