So you know how when you have a bad day of food and tracking and you just decide to screw the whole week? Yeah. I’m there. It is not nearly as bad as it could have been, but it’s pretty darn close. I feel like I should go home and run for 4 hours – not to try and undo the horribleness of my actions – but to atone for them. Like ‘You suck fatty – now you must run!’
Do you ever get like this? I know I am far from the only one that struggles. I also know that I am constantly allowing the screw ups to take place. There were many “WTF?” moments this week where I was like “Why are you doing this to yourself?”
I have the working out down. I know that running and weights mixed help me in every way imaginable. I also know that if I don’t exercise I feel guilt like nothing else. It’s like I suddenly have become catholic or Jewish and my protestant ambivalence is gone. It’s like Yaweh is calling me to the treadmill.
And the devil is baking me cookies.
I’m not going to promise that from now on, scouts honor, I’m going to be good. Only because, frankly, it doesn’t affect you whether or not I am successful in my journey. It also doesn’t help anyone for me to be self righteous or arrogant or give the view of me being ‘perfect’ or my version thereof.
I am going to stop hurting myself though. I’m going to stop eating out of anger (this morning case in point.) and out of any emotion really.
Happy doesn’t equal Ice Cream
Anger doesn’t equal cookies
Sadness doesn’t equal chips
Love doesn’t equal beer or wine
Annoyance doesn’t equal French fries
These things don’t help me in anyway. I just need to learn that. I need to learn how to keep myself mentally and emotionally full so I stop looking to fill my stomach in the process. I am tired of seeing the scale fluctuate so much that I get so excited when I lose weight, that I sabotage the following week’s progress. That doesn’t make much sense does it? No it doesn’t, and this is how I function. I lost 3.4 pounds last week. This week I am looking a gain of the same size if not more.
Pretty depressing huh?
I am going to try and break the cycle. Instead of focusing on a week, I am going to focus on a meal. One meal at a time. Yes fried food is good, but I don’t need to gorge on it. I need to respect my body and fuel it properly so that running that Marathon in March won’t feel like *Complete* torture.
I’m looking for tips. Any tips that can help.
You’ve helped me before, please help me again.