I’m having one of those days (weeks… months… years….) where no matter what I have in my closet – I can’t seem to feel anything but – Boxy, manly, unkempt, frumpish in my clothes. I wanted to dress up, but the last thing I can think about doing when waking up in the morning 20 minutes late, and being sore and tired from staying up to read Erotic Fiction by Anne Rice, is shaving my legs and throwing on a skirt. I’m shocked I half way blow dried my hair so that it could look somewhat presentable. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I know I need to go to bed earlier, so I can get better sleep. I know I need to stop making excuses and follow the plan of Weight Watchers – yesterday was a bad day. Well frankly Saturday through yesterday were bad days – I need to stop being a little bitch about things and just do it.
So why can’t I?
I am beginning to think my current mental state is about to hit the downturn. A lot of people seem to think that when you have depression bouts at various points throughout the year, that it can be derived from seasonal changes. Well it would make more sense that I would be depressed in the Summer. Then riddle me this: Christmas is my absolute favorite Holiday. Just thinking about Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra Christmas Songs or Judy Garland singing in “Meet Me in Saint Louis” brings this sense of emotion and warmth over me that I think was only match when I met my two Dog Babies. But with all that being said, Christmas is also the time of year that my depression becomes debilitating. I feel like a wind up toy the entire season that is about to run out. The tension headaches are insanely painful, and my entire body aches constantly.
I don’t think I have seasonal depression, I think I have wave depression. I rode the Winter Wave until about January when it started ease up (I think the long distance running helped), and now, it’s going back into it’s downturn. I think a lot of people associate sadness or misfortune with depression. That’s fine, just make sure you aren’t medicated, as those pills, even if you do need them, can screw you up royally – so imagine what they can do if you don’t need them. I’m at this scary point where getting up and going to work is no longer something I feel obligated to do. I used to care so much about my job and the people I worked with, and then, out of nowhere I have begun to heck out.
I think that the fact that I can’t seem to make myself follow WW – after I screw up once or twice – and the fact that overall I feel gross and worthless is because of this depression. I’ve never had a high opinion of myself, but it seems now the more weight I lose the worse it has gotten. How is that possible?
I’m one big ball of effed-up-ness at this point, and while I attempt to dig myself out of it, please know that this blog, and you readers are one of my main highlights.
Plan of the Day:
- Breakfast: English Muffin, jelly, Smoothie, Coffee – 9 Points+
- Lunch: Turkey Wrap, Yogurt, Grapes, Baby Carrots – 8 Points+
- Snack: Apple, Banana
- Dinner: Chicken Stir Fry with Asian Slaw and Peanut Sauce – 5 Points+
- Snack: WW Ice Cream Cone + Snack after Workout
- Activity: Chest, Triceps, Back, Biceps + 1-2 miles walking on treadmill (May be – legs are still screaming from before)
I will also be cleaning my upstairs bathroom as I realized it really needs it. Cleaning makes me happy. Maybe I should just become a cleaning lady.
I’m just tired of the let down you know? Between someone who shall remain nameless – who let’s be honest I already told them how much they hurt me, and I know it won’t do ANY good, because this person will not change – and my own mental instability I’m heading into the not so good territory.
** I do not need an intervention. I will not ‘do anything stupid’. Hugs help. Prayers help.**