Anger.


Plan of the Day!

  • Breakfast: 5 hour Energy, Sugar Free RedBull, Coffee w/ Cream, English Muffin w/ PB2, Smoothie
  • Snack: Apple (Optional)
  • Lunch: Mini Turkey Meatloaf, yogurt, carrots, grapes, diet pepsi
  • Snack: NutriGrain Bar – Apple Cinnamon
  • Dinner: Chicken Stir Fry with Broccoli Slaw and Shirataki Noodles
  • Evening Snack: TCBY Frozen Yogurt Bar

Activity: Well I didn’t end up lifting yesterday afternoon, I was too tired when I got home from work.  So Today will be 3 days of Live Fit – Back and Biceps, Legs, Chest and Triceps.  Wheeeeeee.  I’ll be nice and sore for tomorrow’s run and my day off.

I was completely tracked yesterday and though I didn’t fall victim to ‘bored eating’ I ended up having an extra snack/meal/etc after I should have been in bed.  After all of my check in’s with my support group and even saying to my husband “I’m done eating” right before bed I had to have something else.  You know what?  It made me feel gross.

I don’t have the relationship with food that I should have.  I realize this.  I am scared of it and then obsessed with it.  It’s a vice to me, not a source of energy.  When I overeat I don’t just feel bad for messing up, I begin to see myself at my starting weight, 44 pounds ago.  I’m not saying that I think of when I looked like that.  I am saying that I literally look in the mirror and see that person.  She becomes real again.  She becomes the forefront of my mind.  She becomes the reflection in the mirror.  She becomes the proof in pictures.  Then I give up.

I woke up this morning, and peeked at the scale.  I was not happy with what I saw.  I looked in the mirror and was not happy with what I saw.  But something changed this go around of me being unhappy.

I got angry.

Not at the food.  Not at my workouts.  Not at McDonalds (which I have not eaten in 2.5 years).  I got mad at myself.  Like all out wanting to punch myself in the face for being so blind and egotistical.  I do not have my shit together.  I act like I do.  I act like I am the epitome of health.  I act like this while I am polishing off a box of cereal, or a pint of frozen yogurt (neither of these happened last night, so don’t get all preachy with me).

I got mad that I was lying to myself.  I thought about this.  All my life, hiding things from other people like my weight, my eating habits, my lack of working out, and my true feelings on how I was treated by others and myself, have never been me lying to anyone.  I don’t consider omission of things to be lying.  Namely because there are some things that I won’t even share with my husband, let alone anyone else.  It’s really just between me, God, and the scale.  He doesn’t, and there for others don’t, need to know my binge habits of yore.

It helps no one to admit those.  In fact when I tried once, I recoiled, out of fear of judgement.

I am angry at myself.  I am livid at myself.  I am pissed off that I gained the weight in the first place.  I am pissed off that I let myself lose 28 (almost) years of my life on being overweight.  I am pissed off that from the sidelines I watched things like school dances, sporting events, friends, and parties, because God Forbid I walked out into the limelight and have a stomach roll show.  I am pissed off that I am allowing this to continue.  I am not powerless over my eating habits.  I am not weak.  I ran a half marathon.  THAT WAS HARD.  Eating within calories should be easy in comparison.  Right?

You’d think.

So what am I going to do?  I’m taking this anger, this resentment, this pissed off feeling and I am going to think of it anytime I decide to walk into the kitchen.

It’s amazing how we, as humans, can justify things to ourselves.  I ran 3.1 miles yesterday morning, which obviously means at 11:00pm last night I could have a 3rd dessert, right?  No.  I have even noticed that my workouts are dwindling.  I run 3 days a week, and I am supposed to weight train 4 days.  Notice how today I am doing 3 days in one?  Why is that?  Why have I lost the happiness and the fulfillment I once thrived on?  What the fudge happened?

I have no idea.  I have no answers to that.  I wish I did.  I wish I could turn around and tell you exactly what I did wrong and when.  What I can do is document how I am climbing out of this hole I dug way too deep.  I restarted last week, but every day is a fresh start in my mind.  Today is Day 1.  If you look on the right menu, you’ll see a My Fitness Pal Logo.  Click that and you can see my food log for the day.  Exactly what I am putting in my body.  I will promise to you, and myself that I will honestly track each day.  If I am too lazy or embarrassed to track that obviously means I shouldn’t be eating that, right?  Exactly.

Thank you for continuing on this journey with me, guys.  I hope I make you proud.

 

3 thoughts on “Anger.

  1. I love you. I’m in the EXACT same place as you. I haven’t put on my running shoes since May 27th. Let’s overcome this. We are better than this struggle.

    …again…I love you.

  2. As you know this is a struggle I have had for 50 plus years, we all have secrets that are not shared and we all deal with things in our own way. I am very proud of your honestly and determination and I will continue to pray for you everyday. I love you, as a baby, child teenager, beautiful woman, always and forever

    mom

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