It’s clearly one of those days that no matter how much I try I am going to be overly emotional and sad. Not because I want to be, but because I’m too emotionally and physically tired to do anything else.
I have proven to myself, that I have a anxiety, depression, mental disorder. This is not news to some people, as I have been diagnosed and on and off medication for years. But I think after last night I have finally realized it for myself. After a completely dumb fight that had no bearing on reality at all, it hit me. I am the catalyst. I am the reason why people exit my life. I am the reason why I couldn’t get my own ‘friends’ to be in my freaking wedding. I couldn’t even get someone who stated that they were my best friends to stand with me as I got married.
How embaressing. What’s worse, is that it was 100% my fault.
It’s sad that my wedding pictures don’t remind me of happiness, but of how few friends I actually have in my life.
Pity – party of One, Your table is ready.
- I fly off the handle all the time. Not just recently. I can’t blame this on anything going on now. This has been going on for life. Even as a child I am sure I was this unstable.
- I come up with ridiculous theories about how people are out to get me. I’m constantly in fear of getting fired. I am constantly thinking TPWSNBN is cheating on me (which at this point I couldn’t blame him). I cough and it’s obviously lung cancer. I worry about my parents and sisters to the point of tears randomly for no reason.
- I actually convinced myself last night, during the fight that was completely my fault in every way, that after dropping TPWSNBN at home I should find a wall or a bridge or something and drive off. I am not stating this for sympathy, for attention, for anything because I frankly don’t think that at this point of reading my blog you could honestly believe that I would make something like this up for attention. Instead I parked my car for a few minutes to calm down.
- Calming down is only temporary.
- I feel like I am screaming in room full of people and no one understands what I am saying.
- I’m at the point where I am not even sure of my own reality at times. I don’t know how to explain this any better.
- I feel a tightness in my throat now, pretty much all the time, and nothing makes it go away. My heart races randomly, and I get blinding migraines.
I don’t know if this is making sense. I do know however that I am literally miserable, day after day. I know I am making my husband miserable. I know I am not helping anyone by just talking about this on here, i get that. I am not asking for help. I am venting because I can’t bottle it in anymore.
We all use the term insane, crazy, paranoid. I am starting to actually believe I fall into a self destructive category. I have everything, but nothing at the same time.
Having put this out there I am expecting a myriad of responses, or none at all. I am not sure how I would respond to this. So I’m disabling comments. If you have something dire to say, you know how to reach me.