Putting Things into Words

It’s clearly one of those days that no matter how much I try I am going to be overly emotional and sad.  Not because I want to be, but because I’m too emotionally and physically tired to do anything else.

I have proven to myself, that I have a anxiety, depression, mental disorder.  This is not news to some people, as I have been diagnosed and on and off medication for years.  But I think after last night I have finally realized it for myself.  After a completely dumb fight that had no bearing on reality at all, it hit me.  I am the catalyst.  I am the reason why people exit my life.  I am the reason why I couldn’t get my own ‘friends’ to be in my freaking wedding.  I couldn’t even get someone who stated that they were my best friends to stand with me as I got married.

How embaressing.  What’s worse, is that it was 100% my fault.

It’s sad that my wedding pictures don’t remind me of happiness, but of how few friends I actually have in my life.

Pity – party of One, Your table is ready.

Other Realizations:

  • I fly off the handle all the time.  Not just recently.  I can’t blame this on anything going on now.  This has been going on for life.  Even as a child I am sure I was this unstable.
  • I come up with ridiculous theories about how people are out to get me.  I’m constantly in fear of getting fired.  I am constantly thinking TPWSNBN is cheating on me (which at this point I couldn’t blame him).  I cough and it’s obviously lung cancer.  I worry about my parents and sisters to the point of tears randomly for no reason.
  • I actually convinced myself last night, during the fight that was completely my fault in every way, that after dropping TPWSNBN at home I should find a wall or a bridge or something and drive off.   I am not stating this for sympathy, for attention, for anything because I frankly don’t think that at this point of reading my blog you could honestly believe that I would make something like this up for attention.  Instead I parked my car for a few minutes to calm down.
  • Calming down is only temporary.
  • I feel like I am screaming in room full of people and no one understands what I am saying.
  • I’m at the point where I am not even sure of my own reality at times.  I don’t know how to explain this any better.
  • I feel a tightness in my throat now, pretty much all the time, and nothing makes it go away.  My heart races randomly, and I get blinding migraines.

I don’t know if this is making sense.  I do know however that I am literally miserable, day after day.  I know I am making my husband miserable.  I know I am not helping anyone by just talking about this on here, i get that.  I am not asking for help.  I am venting because I can’t bottle it in anymore.

We all use the term insane, crazy, paranoid.  I am starting to actually believe I fall into a self destructive category.   I have everything, but nothing at the same time.

Having put this out there I am expecting a myriad of responses, or none at all.  I am not sure how I would respond to this.  So I’m disabling comments.  If you have something dire to say, you know how to reach me.

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