Over the past 5 years of trying everything to lose weight, one thing has remained a constant. I still see the same person from five years ago when I look in the mirror. I still see the size 16 newly wed whose mother had to fight with the zipper on her wedding dress to get it to close. I still see the girl who was so incredibly uncomfortable in anything other than baggy shirts and loose jeans. I still see the girl who would go into dressing rooms with smaller sized pants draped over her normal sized pants so that the attendant wouldn’t judge or give a look.
I still see the girl who would choke back sobs when the nurse at the doctors office stated her weight outloud.
I still saw the girl who was shocked that someone, anyone, could find her attractive enough to want to marry her.
I still saw the girl that was everyone’s ‘friend’ with funny comebacks, to hide the mortified expression on my face.
I still saw the girl who was always fearful that I would be the butt of someones fat joke.
I still saw the girl that in high school wouldn’t eat lunch, because people made comments that I could skip meals.
I still saw the girl who awkward and immature at best would hide behind anything, anyone in pictures just to not be in the forefront of anything.
I still saw the girl who would close the door to her room, cry while listening to sad music and finishing off an entire half gallon of ice cream, praying, hoping, wishing that one day whatever cycle I was in, whatever pattern I put myself in, would end. I just didn’t know how.
I kept seeing the same person, because I hadn’t seen me now. I was looking through some posts from fellow bloggers, and saw a lot of ‘Before and After’ pictures, and thought about how I didn’t have one. So I scoured through Facebook and found one from our Honeymoon in 2007 – Easily my heaviest weight, and then last year in San Francisco – which I hate to say it, is the same weight I am now (give or take 2 pounds) – I will get back on track, and lose the rest – PROMISE! – and a little Picasa work and VOILA!
I finally got to see myself.
Weight Watchers Worked.
Stopping the Insanity of blame worked.
Wanting better for myself worked…
And it will all work, again, for the last 20 pounds…
All I needed was a little epiphany.