My weeks are still off due to the two-fer we had last week. But I digress…
WEEKS ARE IMPORTANT.
This is my second favorite episode of every season – the Women Tell All. This is where every woman from the show comes back to complain about the other women, complain about not being picked, and complain, complain, complain. This year, though, it was more of complaining about Juan Pablo.
So we start off with Catherine and Sean Lowe – the two who got married on TV. Catherine has bangs now – this is an actual part of the conversation.
So important, guys.
They are happy, in love, and back from their honeymoon, where Sean said the wedding night was “Fireworks!” to where Catherine added “Quick Fireworks.” Ouch, girl. Really? You’re gonna call him out like that? Sean laughed it off, because he is a doormat, and then continued with his story about being sexually assaulted by
Catherine a stingray while they were swimming with sharks. I mean, really dude. A stingray? Not quality television. You are the only one laughing. Even Chris gives him a look.
Side Bar: How tired do you think Chris Harrison is with all these boring people who just suck? I would be an alcoholic in his shoes.
So back to the women!
We’ve got the whole boring bunch. I mean really. There was like .00009% of the drama this season compared to past seasons. (Tiara, anyone?) I was let down. Very let down. There were awkward silences, but that was as bad as it got. I thought Nikki and Clare (Absent because they are in the final two) would have ripped each others hair out at one point, but Clare simply walked away (Stupid. Acting like and adult).
Sharleen started things off giving her reasons for leaving the show. She was very classy about it, simply explaining that while she had a physical attraction to JP, there wasn’t a connection that said she was the one for him. When Chris Harrison brought up that JP thought she was the “Front Runner” she was stunned, and then gave her best stunned face:
Every other girl was retracting their claws and giving her side eyes (except Renee of course). She seemed the entire season to be way too good for this (like most of the women), so I don’t think she feels that it was anything more than some trips to random locations, and then a few weeks to rest her vocal chords from her opera gig. You’ll be missed Sharleen, and your wide array of facial expressions.
Next Up Renee! While she was a fan favorite – most likely because she is the nicest person alive – she was eliminated in the Top 4 episode. I think this was one of the most difficult things to watch – which she agreed on (We’re like BFFs already). She described JP as sweet and romantic and that they did have a lot to talk about – mainly because they both were single parents – poor Cassandra was like “Uh, so am I?” but no one cared. But don’t fret for Renee, she coyly admitted that she is happy with a ‘situation’ she is in, and smiled that gorgeous smile that she gave us all season. I wish you love and happiness girl. You were always the epitome of class, virtue, and amazingness.
Rockin’ it with Molly the Dog
Next up – Andi! Oh Lordy.
She pretty much threw a temper tantrum again about how self centered he was. Well girl, I mean. Well. Then she faked sleeping so she wouldn’t have to talk to him. I mean couldn’t you just leave the room? Were there guards saying you had to stay there? Why didn’t you just call JP on his crap then? Why are you a failure to the female gender? Don’t whine and complain about something on National Television if you couldn’t stand up for yourself then. You look like a spoiled brat.
(Sorry, I’m gonna get hate for that, but she annoyed me from day 1). Go forth and be whatever Andi (Apparently our next Bachelorette… to which I am like “No.”)
Then it was time for JP to come out… on stage.
His smile, quickly turned to an “Oh Crap” look as he was instantly beaten with insults, complaints, and evil eyes (except from Renee, who sat quietly).
He mentioned how he would like to be friends with some of the ladies, to which the world almost toppled over because of how many eyes were rolling.
In between him trying to joke with Andi by saying, “Esss OK,” Kelly confronting him about his controversial anti-gay remarks which went viral and him talking about his “special” ladies, Juan Pablo was criticized by Cassandra for going to Renee’s hometown and meeting her son. Cassie felt that if Renee wasn’t the one, something he should’ve known before hometowns, that he shouldn’t have made the visit. (I agree. Ben must have been pissed).
When talking about Clare and his famous romp in the Ocean:
- “I think he had buyers remorse” – Sharleen
- “He didn’t say Camila whenever he was in the Ocean” – Kelly
- Danielle (Who?) can actually talk! She said more in this episode than all of the other ones combined!
- The girls all agreed that he was looking for a girlfriend and not a wife, while the rest of them were looking for a husband (Ah, the innocent minds that still think this show with a success rate of like 6% can work that way.)
- JP knows he says “Essss Okay” a lot. There was even a montage of him saying it a lot – to which I vomited everywhere.
- Kelly (Dog Lover, Mom to Molly) was offended by the gay comments he made in the news. She, the typically hard and sarcastic one, shed a few tears explaining that having a gay parent, this was uncalled for.
- When JP tried to use his bilingualism as a cop out, Victoria (The girl who got so drunk that she was sent home the next day) jumped in saying “Stop using English as a second language as a cop out”. Growing up in Brazil and speaking Portuguese as well as English, she has a point.
- JP called Camila his little package. One of the show’s producers later told him that in America that meant he had a small “package”.
So next week is it guys! Who do you think it will be? Nikki the Nurse who looks like she is constipated all the time, or Clare the vampire who looks like she is going to devour him in one bite?
Either way – he’s got it made!
After the rose will air the same night, which will give us the update on how him and the “winner” are doing, as well as bring back the scorned runner up.
Predictions? Let me hear them!