We all have those days where everything that could go wrong does. Except I didn’t have one of those days. I had an awesome day up until it wasn’t. Everything was going well, and then it didn’t go well. Then it messed up. Then something big messed up. It wasn’t my fault, but being caught in the cross hairs, I’m involved. I’m not sure what is going to happen from it, but I know it’s long from being over.
I ate my stress and feelings yesterday. I still tracked, and even with being On Plan and exercising today, I’ll still be over my points by a lot. I’m okay with this, because frankly, sitting and wallowing never did anyone any favors.
I think it’s very easy to fall back into the same old routine. Eat too much, don’t workout, and then feel bad for myself. I used to say this was so hard. But really that’s easy. What’s hard is not doing those things. I claim to be strong, and I claim to want this. So if I want it so badly, then I should just do it. I should just choose this hard, over the hard of being overweight, tired, sluggish, mad at myself, self deprecating, and loathing. I started saying that I had to compete with others because they were losing weight/getting thin/looking fabulous, but I can’t anymore. I am not them. They have other things going on, other things building towards their success.
I have me, my sneakers, my weights, and the road.
The past is exactly that. The past. I can’t change it. I can’t go back and rewrite it. I don’t want to. I want to rewrite the future. I know what most people expect me to become. I know what most people think I will do. I know that because I am not following Paleo after 6 weeks of trying – and gaining weight, not fitting into clothes, and feeling like my stomach was being torn apart day after day, makes some people feel like I didn’t try hard enough at it, or I didn’t wait as long. I know the fact that I am back on Weight Watchers, to some feels like me giving in to the hype, and that it won’t work, and I’ll be back to finding some other plan to follow eventually. Well they aren’t right.
A plan works, no matter what it is, if you work it. You can lose weight on Bob Harpers Skinny Rules of 800 calories a day. It is possible. It’s by no means healthy, but if losing weight is your only goal, then yes, it can be done. Diet pills do work, if you follow the plan. It’s not long lasting, and not healthy, but it works.
There are choices to be made by everyone. I am choosing to continue with Weight Watchers, lifting, and running and if that doesn’t make me look like this:
I’m really okay with that. I know that this is a goal for some women. I really don’t need/want to be that muscular. I just want to be stronger than I am. A little less jiggly. Could I be the above picture? SURE! (Without the tan) I could most certainly attain that with enough hard work. But I’d settle for this:
I know I am not fat, but I have fat to lose. I know I’m not obese, but I am not where I want to be. So I will keep chugging along. I feel better when I am on plan, not just mentally, but physically. My body functions better. My running is better. My lifting is better. I feel better.
So after having a pretty bad day, that shook me deeper than I have in a while, I am emerging, much like a cicada does, with a new purpose. My purpose is to be happy (unlike the cicadas, who emerge to have sex and then die). I am choosing to be happy, and with that, loving myself.
Things I love:
My legs are strong. I can run for long distances and they carry me across every finish line.
My shoulders have become stronger making shoulder presses easier, but not too easy
It’s summer so my eyes are a crisp blue – which I love
My feet, although a bit beat up being runners feet, are still strong and improving in their movement during my landing
What do you love about your body?
What choice have you made to make yourself a better person?
I’m lifting and running today, what are you doing to move?
I am in a milestone meeting at work alllllll day today. For those of you who don’t have the pleasure of these meetings, they are essentially when the Government comes in to a board room, and we the contractors exhibit our work for their product up to this point. We are then graded and then we move forward with the plan. These meetings take a ton of prep work and I being the “book boss” have a hand in all of it. For the past month and a half I have been the person no one likes on the project, because I keep bothering people for their input to the slide package (which is now at 280 slides). I am just going to be happy when this is over, frankly.
I ran 4 miles yesterday at a 9’52″ pace, and it was interesting. I varied my pace throughout the run into intervals. I did 2 minutes at 5.5 mph, 2 minutes at 6.2 mph and 1 minute at 7.0 mph, approximately. The build up and release of each interval seemed to work well for me, so I plan on executing my runs like this from now on, each week building up the speed and thus the distance.
I’m feeling really good about Weight Watchers still. My snacking at night has subsided a lot which is a product of eating enough during the day, and really tracking my points. I have this need to win this time, and I am not going to let some random piece of food I don’t need stand in my way.
I am not sure I am going to be able to workout today. This meeting is supposed to be pretty long, so who knows when I’ll get home, and by the time I do, I doubt I’ll have the energy. It’s fine. I’ll lift and interval tomorrow. Run on Friday, and lift on Saturday to finish out my week, and then do my long run on Sunday.
MONDAY IS A HOLIDAY AND I AM SO EXCITED.
I’ve been up since 5:00am so I don’t have much brain power yet.
Since my post yesterday afternoon, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can up the intensity in my workouts – other than the obvious of using the heavier weights and going faster during my speed intervals. I’ve decided that everyday I will add three sets of an exercise that I am finding particularly difficult to nail. For me this will always be lower body. While I have endurance – I can run half marathon’s after all – I don’t have a lot of strength. I can get much lower than 1/4 of the way down on my single leg squats. If I am using both legs I can get my butt to the floor, but single leg, mostly just my left, it’s a struggle to ‘get low’.
I have tracked honestly and completely for 5 days now. This is a big thing for me. I know it will take time, but I am seeing progress in my body being able to do things it couldn’t before. I know it’s a process. I know I must trust said process. I know it will work. I will be a more healthy person inside and out because of it.
I’ve decided that I will sign up for an run the Marine Corps Marathon in 2014. I will begin training for it after my half this October. I figure giving myself as much time as possible will help, and getting the painful first 18 mile runs done in the winter will help me see them as not so bad when I am doing them in the summer.
I am scared that my workouts will suffer immensely over this summer because of work and class. I am at peace with this, because school trumps workout, and it just means that my workouts -when they do happen – have to be worth it. I also have to be on point with my eating, and luckily my Husband will be home to cook dinner every night so the temptation of grabbing something simple at the JC won’t hit me.
Please if you have time watch this video. It’s safe for work, and it’s a beautiful story.
I really wish my acne would realize that I am turning 29 in July and go bother some 14 year old. It’s kind of redonkulous that I am still dealing with this. Especially after going to a dermatologist. BAH. He said my skin might get worse before it gets better, so I guess this is the getting worse stage.
With all of the summer temperatures hitting now, I wish I had started this lifting regime and my honest attempt at Weight Watchers in January – Oh wait… I did restart Weight Watchers in January and then gave up. Okay well, I wish I had been more strong in my dedication with Weight Watchers. I’m uncomfortable in anything that doesn’t cover me almost completely, and well, with the heat and humidity of the DC region, that always poses the disgusting problem of me looking realllllllly uncomfortable to everyone around me. I should just get over it, but instead I am just going to buy maxi dresses and call it a day until I feel better in less clothing
3.5 mile run – inside because yuck. CICADAS BE TRIPPIN’
I came home, did my strength training workout along with my HIIT, and was disappointed in the calorie expenditure my HRM relayed back.
40 minutes of busting my ass for 314 calories?
I was actually mad that my body was becoming more efficient.
So now I know it’s time to up the intensity. Higher weights, higher speed intervals. My thighs are burning just thinking about it. I can’t wait for the day when I can just do my workouts and not worry about how many calories I’ve burned. When I find that sweet spot if eating and working out that helps me maintain it all.
Am I dreaming? It can’t be. There are people who live that way.
I feel good about my choices today and satisfied with rejoining Weight Watchers. I’m not expecting a loss anytime soon, but I’m happy that the structure is back.
Ahh I feel old. Craziness! Happy for both of them! I’m mostly excited because it meant I could make a Pinterest Board – Wedding Board for Cece! - and start pinning things. I am sure she won’t use any of my ideas, but I love weddings, and I like to plan fake ones in my spare time. Congrats again to you both!
I skipped The Color Run yesterday. My left eye was swollen shut, and I felt like death. The Husband let me sleep in till about 9:30 and then we made our way to brunch where I properly stuffed my face. I still feel sick from that meal, but hey, I was sick so my body wanted what it wanted. I still managed to accomplish 3.25 miles on the treadmill yesterday (HIIT and some walking for the mileage) so all was not lost. I am feeling much better today, and have doped myself up on all the allergy medication I could find.
I’m so far loving being back on Weight Watchers. I’ve planned out my meals for the week, it helped that we went grocery shopping last night, and I’ve already made lunches too! I’m still having the wave of doubt that this will work this time, but The Husband has faith. He even said “I think you’ve learned a lot now. I think this will be the time you can make it happen.” It helps with that kind of support. It also helps that I am routinely now making meals that are low on the Glycemic Index just from habit. I know Carbs – Breads mostly – are a trigger, so I tend to not include them. I also know that I can have a treat once in a while, but with all the veggies I’m piling on my meals, I’m not hungry.
I said it. I am not hungry.
My arms are looking more and more tone. Don’t get me wrong, there is still a nice layer of flab, and a wing that waves whenever I do jazz hands, but it’s a process, right? I’ll get there. Right now I am just enjoying my new love of HIIT running. I don’t cover a lot of miles, but I noticed on my normal run on Saturday I was able to keep running at a constant pace longer, than before.
I start classes again in 2 weeks. Wahhhhhhh.
NROLFW Stage 3 B2 & 15 minute Intervals (1 Min @ 7.0 mph, 2 min @ 5.5 mph for 15 min)
Questions for You Readers!
What are you doing to move today?
Do you suffer from Allergies? If So, what do you take?
I rejoined Weight Watchers. It worked for the first 40 some pounds I lost, because I worked the program. I am not giving up my lifting or my cleaner eating. I am fusing the two. I am excited about this. I really hope this is the last ‘I THINK I’VE GOT IT” post. I need to lose the body fat, so I am focusing on clean eating and lifting. I plan on loading up on protein and veggies on the daily and eat fruit and some grain to keep me fueled for my runs. I am going to be successful to the end this time. I can feel it.
My hair is ALMOST back to the way it was before I had it chemically straightened. You have no idea how happy this makes me. I still have a long road ahead till it’s healthy and awesome again, but for now, it’s better than it was.
I’m seeing The Great Gatsby tonight with the Husband and Friend, and I am so excited. SO EXCITED. I love the book, and the original movie, but there is something about Leo Dicaprio being Gatsby. It just works.
Next week is a short week for me (working from home on Friday to start the three day weekend as early as possible) which I am more than looking forward to. We’ve got a baseball game with my dad, Dinner with the Husbands parents to celebrate his mom’s birthday, and other than that – a whole lot of nothing. Which is amazing. Ahhhh weekends without plans are great.
Last night I was feeling particularly sorry for myself as I started comparing myself to some fictional person I had made up in my mind (usually a mixture of the many beautiful and fit women I come in contact with on a daily basis all jumbled into someone that looks kind of like Beyonce – BUT BETTER, if that’s possible) when I looked at my arm. What the hell was that? It’s hard, and a lump. I looked at my husband and said in fear “What the hell is that??” and he felt it and said I think it’s muscle. I immediately looked at him and said “It’s most likely a tumor.” He rolled his eyes and started laughing at me, when my mind said This is proof, Bethany. This is proof that something is working. At least in your arm – oh wait… BOTH ARMS… something is working. STOP WAITING FOR THE SCALE TO GET THE MESSAGE.
I think so many of us, myself mostly, get tethered to this number. The number on the scale is as arbitrary as women’s sizes. Seriously. Think about it. Up until recently we had sizes like 8 and 14 and 00. WHAT THE HELL IS 00? Double Zero’s? Less than nothing? Sure it’s easy for a fat person to save face and make fun of a skinny person, but I’m not. I’m making fun of the size people. Who made up this crap? Men’s sizes make sense. the first number is their waist band and the second number is their inseam. It’s from ACTUAL MEASUREMENTS. But women’s sizes are like random numbers because the idea of measurements scares us? So now, women try to conform to these numbers that not only make sense, but make you feel worse if you are not in single digits. Thanks Marketing People.
I was planning on resting today, but I have the urge to run. So I think – I’ll be doing 4 miles this afternoon. I have The Color Run this Sunday, so I lost my normal long run day, and I don’t want to lose momentum. So I’ll run 4 miles today, do NROLFW tomorrow to finish up week 1 of stage 3, and then Saturday I’ll do a workout DVD for good measure… or I’ll do HIIT. Or something. I don’t mind the idea of working out daily as long as when I miss a day I don’t treat it like the end of the world (Like I usually do.)
Even though I am kind of only Part-time Paleo, I am still reaping the benefits of it. I don’t feel tired all the time (THANKS PROTEIN) my hair is so nice and healthy (THANKS HEALTHY FATS!) I’m not Anemic (THANKS IRON!) and I have discovered new recipes and ways of cooking – this comes from not being able to just eat pasta when I am bored. I am not sore for days after workouts, because the protein I am eating goes to work to repair those muscles, and I am left just feeling strong. Sure I still crave things I shouldn’t eat, but I think that will always be there in some respect. For now, I indulge when I want to, and then work hard in the gym and the rest of the time to keep myself in check.
I really want to buy a just above the knee length dress for summer. Like a casual one. I looked at Old Navy and while they have the style I want, I never have good luck with their clothes – aside from their Active line – which I adore – so I am hesitant to go and buy a dress. It either fits perfectly in store, and then looks hideous at home, or it looks great and then I wash it and it looks like crap or doesn’t fit. I have this problem with pretty much my whole closet. I’m just afraid to purge everything because then I’ll have like no clothes, and with Grad School I have no money… so I can’t go around naked. Sorry Husband.
One last thing… I know this whole journey for some of you is the hardest thing you have done at this point. I get that. I know that the desire to workout is not ingrained in everyone’s mind, and the desire to eat healthy and forgo decadent choices is impossible at times ( I live near like every frozen yogurt place in the state, I get it.). But I also know, you aren’t happy where you are. I’m not happy where I am either. I am trying, everyday, to be better than I was yesterday. It doesn’t always happen, but I also realize I am a heck of a lot better than I was 5 years ago. Sometimes you need to look back and even if you haven’t lost a crap ton of weight, look at other aspects:
5 years ago I had never run a race, let alone 3 half marathons.
5 years ago my idea of healthy was a salad with cheese and tons of dressing
5 years ago Water was something that made coffee which I then doused in sugar and cream
5 years ago the idea of a workout was 30 minutes walking on the treadmill once a week (if that).
5 years ago I couldn’t fit into my wedding dress, now it won’t stay up without assistance
5 years ago I was almost a size 20
5 years ago My office chair was too tight around my hips
5 years ago my husband couldn’t lift me
5 years ago I couldn’t lift my husband (Haha LOOK AT THEM GUNS)
5 years ago I wouldn’t have believed this is where I would be today, and I would have also punched myself in the face for being anything less than proud.
So that’s what I am doing now. I am proud of where I am, from where I’ve been, and where I will be.